No more bench sitting for me.  I need to be back in the game, and I feel like I’ve been sitting out and not participating like I should be.  I think this is the reason why I haven’t been seeing the progress I was hoping to see.

Today, I’m back at it.  I’ve already been down to the gym, and my food intake so far has been on target.  My goal this week is to get back to clean eating, as well as a regular exercise schedule of five times a week.

I have a fear of falling off the wagon; of just sliding back into not exercising, since I hadn’t been to the gym in over a week, and of going back to sloppy eating, because frankly, there are areas I could clean up.  I want that part of me that tells me that I might as well jump off the wagon and stay off of it, to STFU.

That part of my brain has been nagging at me, lately, and telling me that I’m fat and undesirable, and I’ll never be good enough.  That I’m still the fattest person in any given room, that I’m still judged for it, that I’m not making progress — so the solution is to just give up, because it’s easier to just let myself go back into a depressive state and tell myself it just doesn’t matter.

I know with every fiber of my being that the solution to still being fat is NOT to allow the behavior that promotes it, but there’s that dumbass part of my brain that insists that the effort isn’t worth it and I should just eat whatever I want, and sleep in.  I’m reminding myself that this is a battle I’m engaged in, and that changing my lifestyle will take the investment of my time and energy for months and years to come.  Those thoughts that sabotage me, that make me feel like I’m not good enough, need to be dispatched.  Yes, I’m recognizing that those thoughts exist; but I think I need to, in order to work against them.

I’m almost half a year into this effort.  I’ve put in a lot of good work.  I’m sticking with it.  Yes, I’m still the fattest person in the room in many situations.  Yes, there are those who judge me for it, or think to themselves “at least I’m not as fat as her!”  The mental boost I derive from knowing I’m doing something positive for my health, regardless of how it may appear to those around me who don’t know, is so much better than the mental state of recognizing that my size is an issue and knowing I’m doing nothing. And as long as I keep at that good work, there will come a time when those situations are no longer a description of me.  I know that’s possible; I’ve done it, before.

It’s time to get off the bench and start the next inning with my head in the game.