Stop looking for Week 4; I was in Vegas and didn’t post. 😉

So… I’m struggling with a lot of things at the moment, but first, a recap on the Vegas trip.  I was thrilled on the way there, because not only did I fit the seat, but I didn’t need a seat belt extender. That was a real boost for me.  I also did a lot of walking while in Vegas, and the knees/legs lasted longer than I thought they would. But by the end of the week, they were still shot, and it’s been a few days to recover. I guess if there’s good news, there, it’s that any soreness I had wasn’t because of muscles, and recovery has been quicker than it has been in the past.

I had a fantastic time in Vegas with some truly wonderful people. That’s not an issue at all.  But I did get some kicks in the chops when pictures started getting posted and other peoples’ weight losses were mentioned, but mine wasn’t. Yes, I know this is an ego thing; and I am caught between wanting the recognition of having lost 63 pounds, and not wanting it noticed because it screwed with my head when I had to constantly recount my story and my current weight when I lost 140 pounds years ago. I don’t want to be identified by weight loss anymore than I want to be identified by my weight. But. I guess I am somewhat saddened that 63 pounds of me is gone and it’s not immediately noticeable.

I’ve been mentally flogging myself over feeling bad about it. And complicating everything else, I have a new awareness of my body that I haven’t had in quite some time; I’m not sure if this is a consequence of the mental mule kick or just bad timing. How to explain this?  Well, I feel fat. Yeah, I know, I am fat; I’m stating a fact, not insulting myself.  But for the first time, I feel my body, and I can feel where the fat is exactly, how much there is, how thick it is in places, how far I have to go before it’s gone. That awareness might be a very good thing, but right now, it’s serving as a reminder to me that I need to suck it up and keep up the hard work.

With all this crap floating around in my mind, plus the complications that hit because of overeating and walking too much for cranky knees, I came very close to not getting back on the wagon. My mind was literally screaming why bother? to me.  And it’s been tough to not give in to that voice. I’m disappointed in myself, because I really did want to be further along in the journey by now, and while I know logically why I am where I am, I’m having a really hard time with self-acceptance at the moment. I see pics of myself and cringe. I don’t see any progress that I’ve made. I’m still the largest one in the room.

Now, I’m admitting to this and writing it out because even though my brain keeps demanding that I just give it up because it’s not doing any good, I know on a lot of levels that I have made progress, and it becomes exponential at this point. The progress I make in both weight loss and strength training will have an increased effect from this point onward; the larger percentage of my overall body weight that I lose, the more noticeable it will become. A 63 pound loss, if you start out at 234 pounds, is much more noticeable than a 63 pound loss when you start at 334 pounds; I know that. And now that I’m smaller, any loss I have will be a larger proportion of my overall weight.

Plus, as I continue to lose, any strength I gain will have a bigger effect. The more weight I lose, the happier my knees are, and the better job my muscles can do keeping things aligned and working properly. In short, I would be an idiot to give up now, because I’m on the brink of this mattering so much more than it has.

As an addendum… I didn’t put on my goal pants this morning. I’m going to give myself a solid week of being on plan before doing that again; I recognize that I’m not in the strongest place, mentally, so I’m not going to compound it by trying on goal pants. I know I’m still carrying some water weight, as well as real gained weight, from a week of vacation.