I admit it: I’ve been struggling. It’s mental crap, again; stuff I just really need to figure out, deal with, and get out of my system.  I’m a deal with it and go on type of person, so it just really frustrates the heck out of me when the same issues keep raising their heads time and time again. Obviously, I haven’t found the key, yet, to handling them.

This time, it’s back to feeling sorry for myself because I don’t see progress; or rather, I think my mind is telling me there’s no progress because it’s not being noticed. Believe me, I know exactly how childish and self-centered this is, and that I shouldn’t be losing weight for attention. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel these things on some level, and they undermine me, so I have to deal with them.

The sabotage has been subtle. It’s been letting the amount I eat and drink drift up on weekends. Not being diligent with exercise and making excuses. Not making sure there’s enough variety in my daily regimen, so I end up getting bored — and tempted. These are all normal ebb-and-flow parts of any health regimen, but my response cannot be to give up, because that makes no sense: if I’m not putting in a full effort, I can’t expect results, and no amount of excuses will change that. Pouting because someone else is getting attention for weight loss that’s a fraction of mine is just silly.

The result of this kind of thinking is a petulance that demands I just forget the whole thing, that I feel sorry for myself because over a year of effort hasn’t meant squat. That I just stop making the effort.

Which is, of course, the dumbest thing in the world that I could possibly do. If you’re digging a hole and it doesn’t seem like you’re making progress, the solution is never to stop digging. Regardless of what my perception is right this moment, regardless of whether or not I think I’m making progress, stopping the effort and giving up isn’t going to produce the desired results; in fact, I’d likely gain the weight I’ve lost back.

It is entirely about perception. We all have great days, and we all have fat days. I need to recognize the fat days and just move on; the great days will come, and they will be more often the more effort I make, because I have made progress. A lot of it. Just because it’s been gradual enough for people to not notice doesn’t negate it.  In fact, despite my dumb brain telling me otherwise, it’s what I want, and what’s best for me mentally. Losing a whole bunch of weight in a relatively short amount of time did bad things to my brain years ago; I both thrived on the attention and despised it.

I have to remember to be diligent. Instead of just thinking “screw it, I’m done with this!”, I have to reevaluate where I’m at and what I need to do to help myself.  For right now, that means a few things:

Being more attentive on the weekends. I let myself go from moderate carbs/calories on weekends to allowing treats that I shouldn’t be eating, or eating/drinking until I’m beyond full, which will only stretch my stomach back out. I need to quit blowing Monday and Tuesday because I’ve over-indulged on Saturday and Sunday.

Adding variety back to my diet. It’s very easy for me to drift to a norm of low carb eating: meat, eggs, not much else. I’m convinced that what’s made a difference for me this time around is making sure I have a lot of variety in my eating, including lots of fruits and veggies. When I get lazy in my eating, I get away from those things.

Changing up my exercise routine. I dearly need some change, if for no other reason than my mental health. I’m burned out on water workouts at the moment.  I’m going to change focus for a bit and try to add walking into my regimen — slowly. I’m also going to start adding strength training into it as well, and perhaps alternate with water workouts so I don’t feel like I’m just spinning my wheels.

I’m also going to quit avoiding trying on my goal pants, which I’ve done the last couple of weeks. I need to remember what they feel and look like, because that mental marker is important. I tried my pants on first thing this morning, and truly, I don’t think I’ve gone forwards or backwards since the last time, but I need to kick the idea of “no progress” to the curb, because I know darned well that it’s very easy for me to go backwards and gain weight. Not losing isn’t ideal, but it’s a hell of a lot better than not gaining, and that’s a victory, too.