It’s that time, again.

That time when I feel guilty enough about letting myself slide that I know I need to do something — anything — to get back on the right track, get my head in the game, or any number of other diet-related cliches you can think of.

I started back to low carb yesterday. Right now, I’m just trying to slide back into things; I’m doing straight low carb without counting calories, no exercise, until I get to the point to really bear down, again. I intend to weigh, measure, and take pics, instead of just relying on using clothing for fit. Last time, while I did stick with the program over a year, and using clothing as an indicator of weight loss was a good one, it often wasn’t enough.

At the risk of playing head games with myself, I need to use all indicators at my disposal; anything that can indicate and reinforce positive change. Quite often, our bodies betray us; we lose weight but not inches. We lose inches without a change on the scale. Our clothes fit differently without a change in inches or the scale. I need every single positive thing I can use to keep me from giving up. I also need to use those tools in a way that I’m not obsessing over them or flogging myself. I need to track long term instead of beating myself up short term.

Most of all, I need faith in myself that it’s possible to lose the weight, again. That it’s possible to improve my life and get to a point where I live with less fear, less shame, less self-doubt.

I’d love to tell you that I’m happy with my size; that I’m comfortable in my own skin, but I am not. I’m fully aware of the importance of self-acceptance, but that doesn’t mean I totally believe it. The truth is, it’s hard to accept yourself when you’re physically in pain and no one to blame for it but yourself. It’s difficult to accept the limitations of your current being when you know, without a doubt, that you’re capable of incredible things — and those things are out of reach. But knowing those things, and admitting them, is a start.

Over the days to come, I’ll be taking the vitals: starting weight, starting measurements, photos, the works. Although I’m down about things, now, I enter into this with the glimmer of hope: that this will be the final time I will need to be in active weight loss rather than maintenance.

If you’re reading along, thanks!