Without a doubt, one of the biggest challenges I face in getting my head right about weight loss is fear of unknown situations.
Not fear of big or expected things; sure, there are constant changes I deal with regarding my journey, both physically and mentally. I know I’ll have to deal with living in an unfamiliar body with capabilities that are modulating from one day to the next. I’ve prepared myself for those sorts of things, because I’ve been there, before.
No weight loss this week. Just awkward discomfort!
No, my fears are tied to stepping outside my comfort zone, even if the things I fear are also things I love and look forward to. It isn’t because I have self-doubt; once again, I expect that. Everyone stumbles just a bit as they learn and adapt. I know no one is expecting me to suddenly become a superhero.
As I learn about myself, one of the things I’ve been dealing with is my introverted nature. I’m not very good at being flung into the unfamiliar, especially leadership roles; I tend to be more of a support person, happy to not be in the limelight.
A couple weeks ago, I mentioned two recent endeavors: joining an orchestra, and returning to exercise. Both have put me in unique and uncomfortable positions in the last week, over and above the difficulty of choosing to do them in the first place, but there are always lessons to be learned if you look hard enough. Sometimes, those lessons jump up and smack you right between the eyes.
In water aerobics class, I was the beginner; I never even attempted it until a few weeks ago. So, it’s with some irony that I ended up leading the class for the past week. (I’m not going to say teaching; I don’t know enough about it to teach it, other than the similarities of some moves with weight lifting, which I have done.) The first day it happened, I assisted by being a timekeeper; the next day, I ended up leading the class, and when Monday rolled around this week, I did it again.
Wednesday, I was nearly late to class because I misplaced my car keys; when I arrived, the class was actually anxiously waiting for me to show up and lead. Er, what? Mind you, it’s a small class. And I am an introvert — if I’m out of my element, I have a hard time pushing myself to assume any level of leadership. I don’t want it. I’m also not the best in group settings, especially with workouts; I have almost always worked out alone (or with just one partner). The mere idea of having a class waiting on me? Honestly, it freaks me out. I honestly hope that my days as an erstwhile volunteer water aerobics “leader” are done.
The lesson, though, was in battling that innate tendency to reject an uncomfortable leadership role and just not go at all. Believe me, I grumbled to myself every morning before going. I seriously had to make myself get in my suit and walk out the door, knowing I’d likely be leading class, again.
But on the flip side of that, I would have been hurting myself by not working out, and I need every single workout. I want to be strong. I hunger for that feeling of ability that comes with physical strength. Was I going to let the circumstances of the class stop me?
No. I didn’t. I went. I’m proud of that, even if I’m still not crazy about being the one people are looking to. I don’t want that responsibility, and will gladly return it to the regular instructor when she’s able to return. But I won’t let a difficult situation daunt me into stepping away from exercise, again.
I also have a similar situation in orchestra. It’s not a leadership role; it’s more a matter of fighting for something that means a lot to me. I had just fallen in love with the idea of making music, again, when they announced that the upcoming concert would be on the same day as another event I’ve already committed myself to attend, and dearly enjoy.
This came immediately after a local composer introduced two pieces that are great for my instrument, and also quite challenging; while I’m still pretty rusty as a player, the idea of mastering them gave me an honest-to-goodness adrenaline rush. I went from the euphoria of finding that desire to play music beyond my current capabilities, to realizing that I’d have to make a hard choice. Which event will I attend?
Well — it looks like I’ll be attending both events. I’ll be doing a mad dash between them. They both mean a lot to me, and I want to be present at both of them. I will make it work in any way I can.
I don’t know that I would have been willing to do that a year ago. It’s going to be a lot of pressure, racing from a campground in one location to a performance 30 miles away (and then back!). I’m probably deranged for even considering it, but I know I will regret it if I choose one or the other.
Crazy? Perhaps, but I’m definitely going outside what’s comfortable — and learning some lessens about my own capabilities, on top of it.