I’m back in weight loss mode, again, after a couple weeks’ down; 114.4 pounds lost — just in time for spring break and another camping trip. This time, I’m better prepared!

I’m at a point in my weight loss, now, that I find myself constantly taking inventory, and comparing that against my mental images of myself. It’s hard for me to keep reality and that mental image aligned, and it’s been my downfall, before. In 2012, when I lost just under 70 pounds, I truly believed I had progressed more than I had. When I saw photos of myself after vacation, I was surprised by the large difference between what I thought I looked like, and what I actually looked like.

114 pound giant Chinese salamander — who doesn’t want to lose *that*?

That’s not all that threw me off; it was just the last contributing factor that tipped me off the wagon. I’d already had disappointments, gaining back several pounds before vacation, not wanting to put in the necessary work for the desired outcome, and not having an accurate picture of my physical abilities. If my mind isn’t firmly focused, simple things can throw me off.

I didn’t want to learn from the experience, back then. I simply never went back on my diet after vacation. I am learning, now. I need to make sure that those expectations of myself are in sync with reality. It’s far too easy to simply believe praise and think I’m stronger and thinner than I am, so I’ve made the conscious analysis of my body an ongoing habit. It’s a tight balance between overshooting my current situation and selling myself short.

I didn’t really realize until the other day, though, how much unconscious inventory I take. My body is changing, and not unlike someone who’s totally drunk, I find myself staring at my own body parts as if they’re not mine. My ankles are starting to look more like the ankles of a human and less like those of an elephant. I rub my shrinking double chin a lot. At night, when I lay down, I knead my skin, feeling how much is excess, feeling the bones closer to the skin than they have been. I might actually have a noticeable collarbone, soon!

My limitations are also changing. I still have them, but I can stand and talk with someone for much longer without tiring. I can slide through smaller spaces. I can get up and down our camper steps easier than I anticipated. My endurance is growing, and this is a very good thing. I’m more active because it’s easier to get around.

Although it’s nice to see a lower number on the scale, it’s more these things that keep me going; now I can tell a difference in my physical size, and I think my brain is fairly well in sync with my reality. The longer I’m able to keep things that way, the better off I’ll be.

This is me, becoming me all over, again — and the transition is underway.