Sometimes, change slaps you in the face — and sometimes, it creeps in on kitten feet. Like last night.

Like last night.

A little history: my close friends and I used to compete on a weekly basis at bar trivia. The locations changed over time; so did the faces. Some weeks, there were only a few of us. Other times, there might be a dozen or more of us, huddled around a table as we competed against other teams.

Can you find me in this pic? Hint: I’m not there.

One of the locations, though, bothered me. On a normal day, I didn’t mind being there, but on Trivia Night, the place was packed so tight that just walking in the door made me feel anxious and trapped. This is, unfortunately, one of the darker sides of being morbidly obese. Being in tight quarters, especially with a lot of people around, made me incredibly uncomfortable.

My fears were likely unfounded, but that didn’t make me any less nervous. I’d sit at a table with our team, only to feel completely closed in on all sides, trying to work out the paths I could take to get out of the room, or simply visit a restroom, if needed. For a person of normal weight, passing between backs of seats wasn’t an issue — but I was not a person of normal weight. If I found myself in a loud, crowded place where I couldn’t easily find a way out, my level of anxiety rose.

I stayed for my husband and my friends, but enduring the couple of hours it took to play an evening’s round of trivia often resulted in clenched teeth, tight muscles, jangled nerves. For obvious reasons, I try not to put myself into those kinds of situations very often, and it’s been some time since I’ve dealt with that sense of claustrophobia.

And then — there was last night.

I’m a member of a club that meets on a monthly basis, and we changed our meeting location to a new restaurant that just opened a few weeks ago. They’ve been pretty busy, but I had no idea how busy until we showed up last night. Our large group had reservations at two long tables, but otherwise, there wasn’t an open seat in the place; it was loud and definitely hopping.

You’d think those old feelings would have jolted me when I walked in the room, but amazingly, I realized about an hour into the meeting that it didn’t bother me at all — not like it used to. I wasn’t on edge, waiting to leave as soon as I arrived. I actually enjoyed myself, and I didn’t worry once about whether or not I’d need to ask someone to move out of my way to clear a path — because it wasn’t an issue at all.

I’m glad to know that old fear has healed itself without my conscious realization. I have to think it’s just another sign that my brain is growing healthier, right along with my body. The closer I draw to normal, the more these fears fall away and I find myself doing things I would never have considered three or more years ago. While I’ve been waiting on the world to change around me, it’s been me that has changed.

While I’ve been waiting on the world to change around me, it’s been me that has changed.