I find that four things must be in order for me to successfully lose weight. Right at this moment, I need to work on every single one of those four things: diet, movement/exercise, sleep, and mental well-being.

I am struggling with mental well-being, which complicates the other three. I swore I’d be transparent in this blog — and today, it’s time to be honest about my current struggles. In a way, I’m dealing with growing pains, and I absolutely should be talking about this, facing my fears, and meeting all of this head-on.

I’ve had a number of people ask me, recently, what I’m doing to lose weight, and I repeat what I always say: I eat less, I move more. And that’s essentially correct, but the reason I’m not more forthcoming is because no one needs a data dump in their lap when they’re just asking a question to be nice. The truth is, weight loss is both that simple and at the same time, tremendously challenging and complicated.

Time for some sunshine.

Losing a great deal of weight is more a metamorphosis than a mere transition. The body certainly changes, but if the brain doesn’t adapt and evolve, failure is guaranteed. I am both more “me” than I have ever been, before, and a new “me” that’s still beyond my grasp, requiring me to learn and discover. I suspect the inability to shift thinking is the biggest reason many fail at losing and then maintaining large amounts of weight loss. The truth of the matter is, though, that I have no choice; this isn’t a matter of losing twenty pounds for a high school reunion. It’s losing perhaps up to two hundred pounds to save my life.

It’s a hard reality to accept. My journey governs nearly everything I do, and it’s inescapable. While I have no desire to be defined by my weight or even my weight losses, I cannot ignore how much of my life is tied to my process. It is, at times, overwhelming and I get incredibly frustrated. When I started this journey, I had the hope that I could get beyond obesity, as if it’s just been a phase of my life. I’m learning that’s far from the truth; if I don’t learn the lessons this time, I’m doomed to repeat them yet again. There is no finish line; goals are just markers for what comes beyond that point, and that life will take just as much dedication and hard work as losing weight requires.

No matter what, even if I reach a point where I look like I’ve never had a weight problem in my life to someone who doesn’t know me, it will not change this transition I’m going through, right now. Being overweight isn’t just a phase I’ll be able to forget, like a bad dream. Perhaps it’s important that I never forget the battles I am winning right now, because my life will always be about overcoming challenges.

I’m scared. Excited, yes; but scared, too. I think that fear of the unknown is likely the reason many people shy away from staying at a goal weight and slowly let themselves return to a weight where they feel secure and protected from whatever fears they imagine. Fat is insulation; a way to block unwanted attention, an excuse to not face something troublesome, and a hiding place from any number of issues. Last week, I wrote about how invisible a life an obese woman can live — and there are times when being invisible is the easiest solution to tough problems.

The odds are still stacked against me. My weight loss, these days, is at a crawl, but still a loss. I’ve reached a point where I need to change my thinking and take different actions. And for all your support, which I truly appreciate, this is a battle I fight alone. This is the point where I keep walking out from the shadows and into the sunlight, and rise.