Burnout. All of us have dealt with it in one way or another — and that’s where I find myself this week.
I’m one of those people that needs a certain amount of uninterrupted alone time to nurture and replenish myself. When my battery is running low, I’m at my most vulnerable. I’ve had a lot to deal with over the past few months, and I know that once I can withdraw a bit and plug my life batteries in for a recharge, I’ll be ready to face whatever challenges are next in my life.
That’s just how some of us are made. I know plenty of folks who thrive on being surrounded by other people and activity. I’m not one of them. I get to a point where I’m like an over-stimulated toddler who, like it or not, needs that nap badly. If I don’t have a certain amount of time for restoration, I run dangerously close to empty. It’s no fault of those around me or even circumstances. It just is.
It’s a lot easier to stay grounded when you’ve built a solid foundation.
Curiously enough, though, I’ve found that my abilities to stay in sync and not fray at the edges, and remain in control, have improved with time. It takes a lot more to deplete my mental and physical batteries, these days. When I’m exhausted and had enough, now, I don’t find myself as vulnerable and at risk of doing stupid things that undo the hard work I’ve put in.
In my past, these are the times when it would be remarkably easy to consider my diet just one more stress point and reward myself with food that makes me feel good in the moment, but loses that ability to comfort me the moment it lays like a brick in my stomach. Last weekend, I celebrated my birthday with family, for instance, but I completely forgot about the cupcakes a friend sent home with me until they were too stale to eat. I got back on course afterward, and I really didn’t stray as far off the dietary path as I might have; eating things I’m not used to tends to make me regret it soon afterward.
It’s a side-effect of undertaking this long journey that I didn’t expect or foresee; it’s not like I’m young and just diving into life’s experiences. No, even when I’m at burnout levels these days, I’m calmer about knowing what I need to do to push through. Hell, yes, I’m stressed, but I’ve managed to learn what behaviors only complicate stress even more.
It’s also about perspective and staying grounded. We were at a wine fest last week, and I realized after discussing it with my husband that one of the reasons I was disappointed in the festival itself was because I can get around better, these days, and had been looking forward to doing more while I was there — but the festival is going through a downtime and there wasn’t as much to wander around and do. I realized this most when we went to a different winery and I thoroughly enjoyed taking a tour. It was a livelier place to be. I don’t regret for a second being there with my family — but what was good enough, before, now no longer is.
By the way, those two bags of Cheetos from a couple weeks ago are still sitting on the counter in the kitchen. While my eating hasn’t been perfect this last week or so, I’ve mitigated the desire to simply check out and do whatever I want. It’s a little bit like growing up and behaving like an adult, which isn’t always my forte. I may not be at my absolute strongest, right now, but I also know how to keep myself in line until I’m able to plug myself in and build myself back up.
On that note, I’ll be visiting with my knee surgeon this coming Wednesday and I expect to solidify a surgery date in December. I’ve been in caregiver mode for a while, now, but the next challenge will be a complete change — and the beginning of the next stage of learning how to live in this new life of mine.