In the spring of 2003, I started a weight loss journey. Over the course of about 18 months, I lost 140.5 pounds. And then, try as I might, I could lose no more.

While a lot of folks saw that journey as a success, the longer I look back at it, the more I see it as a failure. I fooled myself into thinking that I knew myself well — when I really wasn’t living true to myself. I forced myself into something that wasn’t natural to me, and quite often, I felt like an imposter. That fit woman who grabbed her life back couldn’t possibly be me. To add insult to injury, I was inflexible and unwilling to admit to myself that I needed to change in order to progress.

I fought to get past a 2.5-year plateau — and gave up. I regained every pound I’d lost, and then a few more on top of it. There were a few attempts between then and now, but I took that failure hard and couldn’t allow myself to believe I was capable of losing the weight without flogging myself half to death.

Because really, the life I led then was hardly a life at all. Everything came second to my weight loss efforts. Now, I firmly maintain that any such program has to be part of a person’s life, not take it over. (This is one of the many reasons I prefer not to be known for weight loss. If that’s all you see of me, you’ve missed the best stuff.)

Today, I can proudly say that I am .6 of a pound away from losing every pound I regained after that failure of a journey. I’m about to be in a weight territory I haven’t been in over three decades. I am entering a new phase of this journey — one of uncharted territory I am thrilled to explore. And the one thing I am truly thankful for is that it has taken me a much longer time to lose the weight than it did over a decade ago.

Please pay attention to that: I am thankful my weight loss has been slow.

And by “slow”, I mean I’ve been fortunate to lose 25-30 pounds in a year, on average. I am in my 5th year of weight loss. These years have been a learning experience like none other I’ve ever had in my life. While I still have the occasional “what the heck, that was me?” moments when I see old photos of myself, my mind and body are in agreement. They never really were back during that first big journey.

Things happened so quickly back then that my brain couldn’t really keep up with my body. I was physically strong for the first time since childhood. I was a workout beast. I loved it when I could sneak up on someone I hadn’t seen in a couple years and they totally didn’t recognize me. I felt like I could finally leave that Fat Me behind and pretend she never existed.

That was a huge mistake and eventually my undoing. I was so busy trying to distance myself from who I’d been, that I lost who I was. I truly believed that the only way I could be healthy was to punish myself on a daily basis. I didn’t exercise for the joy of feeling the strength in my muscles; I exercised because I feared that not exercising would result in going back where I’d been.

Perhaps it was karma that helped pile those pounds back on, eventually weighing in at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been in my life.

Now? Not only do I know so much more about myself, but I also know without a doubt that I can achieve my goals without flogging myself, without punishing myself. Yes, I have a bit of a journey yet to go; no doubt about that. The most surprising thing this journey has brought me has not been weight loss; it’s been the gift of realizing that I am at a high point in my life. I have never been better than I am at this moment.

Sure, my life can be quite like the circus performer trying to keep all the plates spinning without busting them; I do well in one thing but another needs my attention. That’s life, really. I’m not quite yet at a point where I fire on all cylinders equally all the time, but I will be. I know that with absolute certainty.

My life was dissonance, then; trying to understand why I couldn’t get past where I was, was nothing more than an emotional and mental vampire that took me away from everything else that my life was supposed to be. Now my life is more about harmony.

While this process is never an easy one, I find that my occasional struggles are nothing in comparison to what they once were, because so many of them have a rightness about them. The result has been that I have never felt sharper, more in command, more hopeful about my future. Each thing that’s added to my life is another note in my harmonic structure, giving my life depth and joy rather than blocking my path.

And that’s a damned good place to be.

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A follow-up: my weigh-in to make sure I’ve lost enough weight to proceed with surgery was this past Monday, and I passed with flying colors. Two months from yesterday, I’ll be exchanging a crappy arthritic knee for a shiny new one. I’m pretty sure I’ll be getting the better end of that deal!