At the moment, my weight is all over the place. I had hoped to split the difference before knee surgery; you know, actually weight as much as I’ve lost. I’ve been that close at my low; a mere 3 pounds or so above it.

But I’m letting impending surgery get in my head. I’m carrying both excess water weight and probably a few pounds of just flat out real weight — meaning I have weight to re-lose. I’m nowhere near endangering my surgery, but I’ve noticed that when my weight occasionally drifts up (usually because of something daunting on the horizon), I mentally flog myself for it instead of giving myself a bit of a break.

Making sure I’m not making excuses.

The truth is that I need to eat right now. I’m not eating anything off plan; just more of it, as I work to overcome both borderline anemia and a potassium deficiency. I understand how this came about; I am on doctor-prescribed supplements, but I also need high-quality food. I’ve had to accept that weight fluctuations right now aren’t as important as being healthy enough to meet surgery head-on. I will also have to adapt during recovery — and then I can work on getting back to where I was before all this came about.

I don’t like being patient about anything, but I know patience is what I need, at the moment. I also need to understand that just because my brain does a little flip out any time my weight doesn’t do what I hope for, does not mean that I’ve gone backward. This is, for the time being, part of my process.

There is still a part of my brain that screams at me that my weight loss isn’t legit because I’ve gained a few pounds back. (And by “a few”, I mean I’ve been rambling around 5-10 pounds above my low.) I know most of it is water because of the fit of my clothes and my body’s reaction. But there’s a gremlin that kicks a chunk of my non-thinking brain and tries to insinuate that I might as well have gained back all of a 183-pound loss — which is obviously flawed logic.

I’m staying busy, though. I’m not using this as an excuse to eat bad things. I’ve been keeping up with my step goals and expect to have 8,000 steps/day by the time surgery rolls around. I’m doing everything I can to get to the other side of this, because I know I’m giving myself one of the greatest gifts I can: working hard to get past the things that hold me down.

(Sorry, no video today — I’m short on time.)