Walking and exercise time is also brain time, for me; I don’t listen to music when I walk. I prefer to walk outdoors, which has been a challenge with the recent cold snap. (On a side note, as a former Chicagolander, when — exactly — did I become such a wimp about cold weather? Our lows here have exceeded high temps elsewhere, but here I am, wanting winter GONE NOW.)
I stay in the moment. I am conscious of each step, still, as my body continues to recover from surgery; I am nearing two months out, now. I think about the things I need to do, the things I want to do — which aren’t always the same thing, mind you — and I reflect on what I want to accomplish, so I’m also looking forward.
All the times I began a diet, I looked forward far too much, and often held myself to an unreasonable and unachievable standard. Even when I was a relatively thin teenager, and wanted to lose maybe 20 pounds (oh, for those days!), I kept thinking of the moment when I would be at a goal weight.
But it wasn’t just that goal weight; it was the imagined world that came with it. Not just what I might wear, but how I might present myself to the world, how others might view me, and the things I would be capable of doing as a thin (and therefore more attractive, in my young mind) woman. As I aged and began any number of varying diet programs with increasing amounts of weight to lose, the end game changed, but it was still just another form of fantasy. Everything would be perfect when I reached that future point, and my life would just magically be right in every way.
Even when I started this journey and started to believe it was really possible to lose a large amount of weight, those daydreams of what life could be like as a different person were there. I just really didn’t know that the different person I imagined was actually a return to who I started out to be in the first place; that I haven’t become someone different, but rather, I have become more me.
As I’ve witnessed this becoming, I’ve realized that visualizing some person who isn’t me right now isn’t fair to myself. I am who I am right now, and I have good reason to be happy in my own skin while I continue to work on improving my health. I may not be exactly who I am in this moment a year or five years from now, but it does me a great disservice to think of myself in terms of unachievable goals. Failure is at the end of that path; the idea of “perfect” has to change to
That’s one of the biggest single reasons for my success this journey; that acceptance that not only am I happy with who I am in this moment, but even if I’m happy, I can always be looking forward to improving myself, making a better me. It’s the whole picture, not just the weight loss part of it; it’s everything that’s part of my world.
Regardless of what the number says on the scale, I will always be pushing forward; whether it’s my health, my enjoyment in life, bettering my circumstances, honing my skills. These things are a complete package, and if I hyperfocus on one to the detriment of something else, I’m not making my world a better place. It’s about perspective, and about valuing myself while still holding myself to a better standard.
Learning this means that hopefully, I finally have success; and that I won’t be fighting the same battles time after time.