Sometimes — things happen that have the potential for derailing me. I’m watchful for the common triggers; returns from vacation, holiday deviations, highly emotional events.

And sometimes, there seems absolutely no reason for losing heart. This has been me this week. There’s really been nothing that has discouraged or challenged me; I just have not pushed the way I know I should be. I’ve let my guard down knowingly. I know damned well what it takes to be back on course, and I haven’t done it.

These really are the times why this journal exists; these are the things I need to talk through and address. I already know that I need to recommit and push through this, and yes, even if I don’t particularly feel it right now, fake it until I make it. I have not totally gone off the rails, but I have let myself off the hook rather easily instead of being diligent. I’ve let damaging thinking creep in; why shouldn’t I be able to eat like a normal person on occasion? It’s not fair that I should have to be so diligent — all the time.

The thing is, I know that’s wrong thinking. If the unfairness of life was a great excuse for jumping off the bandwagon, very few of us would ever remain.

When I sat down to write out this entry, not only was I disappointed in myself for letting my eating get out of hand, which in turn led to an upset stomach, which I was going to let stop me from finishing the 4500 steps I needed to meet my 10,000 step goal for the day. It just seemed like too much.

So I sucked it up. I stopped writing. I went out and I walked. I don’t listen to music when I walk; I use the time to think things through, and one of the things I realized was that I was lying to myself when I told myself nothing triggered this destructive funk. No, a number of things have been building up.

For one, I have been hypercritical of the many photos that were taken of me while I was on my girls’ trip cruise. While I felt great on the cruise, I thought I looked awful in many of the photos. Like I have been fooling myself into believing I don’t have that much weight to lose. Instead of thinking it through, I let visceral disappointment slap me in the face instead of understanding this is one of my triggers, and I needed to put that into perspective. I can’t sit here and write out blogs that recognize that I am not done yet, and then be surprised when I see photos that simply agree with what I’ve been saying.

I’m not done yet. And that’s okay.

Another trigger: I have to remember and understand that even though I may be deeply vested in something, in this case, my music, I can’t expect that of others. I don’t even really know what I was expecting — it wasn’t realistic to think I’d have this cheering section at my recent concert; and I had no reason to expect that, anyway. I deeply appreciate those who were there, including my husband, but the deep emotions I have tied up in creating music are mine only. And in the end, I don’t perform for others; I perform for me. Letting myself become disappointed rather than remembering why I do this — it was another trigger, a disappointment I felt as a child when my parents rarely came to my concerts. I am not that child, and I learned, then, that my music was for my own heart.

I also have a tendency to let myself become overwhelmed and instead of taking control and rationally thinking things through and breaking up big commitments into manageable pieces, I have been letting myself freeze. This is a behavior I haven’t allowed for some time and I have no room in my life for it, now.

What I have done is let my behavior slide into old habits; it’s an easy matter to do when you’re not willingly paying attention. This is why it’s important to always remember that this is a continuing journey. I cannot allow myself to slide back into thoughts and processes that hurt me more than they help, and I have learnd the skills, now, to work through these things.

The last trigger was the reminder from a friend how my weight had once been a way to hide from the world; I don’t hide much, these days, nor do I get to hide much. I live out loud and in living color, and sometimes, that’s scary. When you know what it is to hide from the world and find safety there, it’s surprisingly easy to fool yourself with distractions and silently let yourself recede back into that comfort zone. That’s what I’ve been doing. While I’m not done, yet, neither can I afford to let myself go backwards.

So today, I have consciously thrown off these old coping mechanisms that really didn’t serve me well at all, and I have chosen to not let those things take over. I walked my 4500 steps and reached that 10K goal, and tomorrow, I will consciously choose what I eat, so I can regain my footing. Instead of drowning, I will choose to make it rain, and embrace the need for change.