I’ve been preparing for a trip; a vacation with a dear friend, off to discover places I’ve never been to. She’s someone I first “met” on the internet; and while some might think it’s weird, that’s nothing new to me. Friends are friends, regardless of the venue that brings you together in the first place.

The first time I actually met someone I first knew, online, was back in around 1993 or 1994. We knew each other through a crafts bulletin board; we were (and still are!) both knitters, so we had something in common. She lived relatively close, and we had talked on the phone a few times after many online chats. And yes, I was a pretty large woman, back then, and the fear of actually meeting someone face to face scared me.

If you choose, there’s something very anonymous about internet friendships; we can be whoever we want to be, whoever we put forward and create. I’ve found that most people I’ve met over the course of the years have either been exactly as I imagined they would be, because they were always true to themselves, or they were far different from their online persona.

While I hope I’ve always strived to be exactly who I am, that doesn’t mean I didn’t immediately worry about being judged, and the biggest reason I’ve ever had for thinking I would be judged harshly is my weight. I’ve been in groups that arranged group meets and we’ve all kidded about “hey, can I lose 100 pounds between now and next week?”, but most of my friends didn’t really need to do that. It’s just that first face-to-face insecurity most of us have, rising to the surface, and hopefully, that sense of otherness dissipates quickly. We judge ourselves much more harshly than others do; they see the friendship and beauty, and we pick at the scabs and apologize for not being better, somehow.

While I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to meet friends in a variety of places I haven’t been, before, I admit that my first big trip with my travel buddy was a step out in complete trust; we weren’t just meeting up to hang out for a weekend. It was big! We both flew down to Houston, hung out a couple of days with another great friend, and then took off on a cruise for a week. This wasn’t lunching at a restaurant; this was leaving the country.

And in my case, it was also a matter of trusting my body to meet the challenges of travel, since I’d just had my first of two total knee replacements the previous spring.

This will be our third adventure together, heading off on a cruise to places neither of us has been previously. I’m off to California, first; another place I’ve never been to. Sure, I’m nervous; not because of my friend, because we’ve known each other, now, for roughly 16 years — but I’m nervous for all the normal reasons. Will I remember to pack everything? Will I lay awake half of the night, imagining I misplaced my passport?

This is the normal stuff of life; I’m no longer worried about being judged because of my weight. My anxieties are the normal ones, instead of fearing I might be told I need to buy an extra airline seat. Or nervously having to ask for a seatbelt extender. Or have to deal with having an airport employee push me around in an airport-supplied wheelchair. Because I’ve been there. I’ve had to deal with each and every one of those fears, and plenty more.

Now, leaving for a vacation takes on a new level of excitement, because living without those limitations means I have less to obsess about. It’s my nature to obsess, but busting down those worries means there are a lot fewer things on my mind, and a greater willingness to set out on an adventure.