It’s always good to have goals. I have some; I have upcoming events that I’d like to be back down to my low weight (or beyond) for, as well as be fit for. Having things like that which keep me thinking in positive ways while I work toward getting recent gains off seems to help my mental attitude. After all, I’d rather be looking down the road rather than staring in the rearview mirror; I’ve been there, already.

I know the past has lessons for me that I need to pay attention to so I don’t repeat them, so some glances in the rearview mirror to orient myself are totally appropriate. What’s wrong is when I fail or don’t make the effort to recognize the walls I’ve built myself.

Recently, I had to do some mental work on why I stopped short — by 2/10 pound — of achieving the major goal of losing 200 pounds. I gave myself time to examine this and came to the conclusion that I had sabotaged myself. With what isn’t nearly as important as the recognition that there’s a huge difference between setting achievable and positive goals and setting ones that work against you. At one time, from quite a distance, I saw the promises I gave myself as good. But I also likely never saw those promises as achievable.

It’s an easy matter to promise yourself something you firmly believe is outside of your abilities. At 371 pounds, even though I had previously lost 140 pounds in my life, I really didn’t believe for a second that I’d ever be where I am at this moment. Setting goals back then wasn’t necessarily a bad thing — some of those goals moved me forward, after all. Perhaps, looking back, setting goals that were just daydreams at the time were good from the standpoint that eventually, I’d have to dig into why I set them in the first place.

And here I am with a shovel; or maybe a sledgehammer is more appropriate. Me at 371 pounds just never imagined Me where I am, right now, facing the realities of those dreams. Even though I stood in my own way until I realized what I was doing, I look at this as a good thing. It’s part of the process that is helping me to understand myself. Now, I realize I was setting myself up for failure and promising myself things that worked against my mental health instead of contributing to wellness. I had to find some peace and discard those long-held self-promises because they ended up making me feel inadequate and unworthy rather than being great rewards for a job well done.

I knew, for months, that I was holding myself back from achieving that simple .2 pounds; it might as well have been a brick wall. But I also recognized that I needed silence — the elimination of mental noise — to do the necessary work. That didn’t happen during the holiday season; it couldn’t happen because I couldn’t find peace enough with far too much on my plate. I needed to get my own house in order and pull off the layers in order to see, and then work on, what was at the heart of my self-invoked barriers.

This is a constant work in progress. The more I learn about myself, the closer I come to allowing myself to achieve the things that are important to me. I can’t say with 100% certainty that I’ve completely removed my wall, but I know I’ve tumbled at least some of the bricks, and my job going forward is to keep chipping away at the walls I’ve built.