When I have been in the depths of depression, I used to spend all day long in bed, sleeping, and then spend half the night on the computer. Mostly, I wrote, but it was bad stuff; under the guise of writing books, I spewed nonsense, chain-smoked, and merely existed. During the day, if I rose from bed at all, it was to take care of the necessities of the bathroom, the occasional shower, food. My home was a disaster of stacks of unwashed clothes and dishes. I have worked from home for decades, with the rare venture out to regular employment when my business has not been productive, so it was painfully easy to sink into the dark and close my brain off from every possible thing.
Depression set me adrift with no rudder and nowhere to go, or so I thought, despite having a family and my work; I could pull out spurts of work to see me through. (Depression can cloud your perspective; I had a much better life than I thought, but it was impossible for me to see it.) I could be functional if I tried. But outside of faking my way through obligations, I had no structure, no real goals. My mind created dire consequences if I would not act on the things that needed to be done, but I was so overwhelmed by the things I had neglected that I couldn’t bear to even make the smallest of starts.
That has been decades ago; since then, I’ve recognized that not only was I dealing with undiagnosed health issues that needed to be addressed (severe thyroid issues, metabolic syndrome for examples), but I have to make the conscious effort to pick myself up when I see the signs of depression creeping in around the edges. My depression was chemically based, but situational depression can certainly knock me for a loop.
I am careful to keep goals in mind, not just for work projects and the like, but personal things that bring me joy. These days, I am a goal-oriented person, down to even setting timers throughout the day for what I want to accomplish. I need structure, goals, things to look forward to, keeping motivation. When I have a balance of the things that build me up, I can meet most situations head-on.
Over recent years, that structure of goals has not only been my focus but the underpinning on which I’ve built much of my newer abilities to deal with much of my life challenges. And I admit that as my world drastically changed with the COVID-19 pandemic (just like yours!), as my husband came home to work, as we canceled one event after another or had them canceled for us, I felt the underpinning sag and the foundation crack. I found myself wanting to shift gears and move forward, but to what? I needed goals. For a bit, I felt like I’ve been stuck in neutral and unable to push myself to find new goals.
It’s yet another facet I’ve had to learn about myself, and I suppose that if such major events had to happen in my life, I am at least thankful that it happened when the structure of my life could bear a bit of pummeling. Had it happened years ago, when my mental foundation was shakier than a house of cards, I don’t know that I would have had the ability to battle the assault on my mental state.
I have been working, now, on setting goals which I control, rather than the outside world. Since I have been on this journey, I initially took on goals that were entirely up to me, since I had to venture small steps. As I’ve become stronger, I have become more involved in broadening my world, and as a result, the goals I’ve set have become reliant on outside factors. As an example, I started to play horn again several years back, but to fully experience music, I joined an orchestra. Now, the orchestra has had to cancel the spring semester and concert. Necessary, but since my goals shifted from my own personal enjoyment toward being part of the overall group, I suddenly had no practice goals, and I had to push myself to play again.
Other goals included spring break activities including listening to live music and local travel, but those quickly vanished. My walking and weight loss goals are their own reward, but I had mentally pushed myself, planning for these events that are no longer there. I may have started walking around my yard, in the beginning, with the simple goal of being able to walk short distances and eventually no longer rely on a wheelchair or a cane, but now that I don’t deal with the same restrictions, I had looked forward to a pub crawl, hiking around, and a 5K with friends. Now the 5K has been delayed until September, the restaurants and bars are closed, and while I can still hike, it won’t be in the same places.
My goals have shifted from a self-reliance because of a small world to a partnership of reliance with an expanded world; when the partnership suddenly dissolved, it jarred me. But the choice, once I recognized this, is a simple one: I can either rebuild my structure and move forward, or let the cracks in my foundation turn to rubble. I’ve been starting simple, again, and I’m no longer stuck in neutral. Working toward simple goals has helped me find my drive.