If you’ve ever owned an older computer, you likely know what “defragging” (defragmentation) is. But if you don’t, it’s the process of reordering files on a computer’s hard drive. It’s a maintenance thing that’s more automatic these days, but back years ago, it was one of those things you did if your computer was running slow and had lots of errors popping up. Because over time, as you use a computer, things just don’t always end up in the right place, or chunks of old programs long deleted are still clogging up the works.

At least once a year, my brain has to go through its own defragging. The worst of it usually coincides with the beginning of school, after my teacher husband has been home during the summer. My schedule gets disrupted, and I no longer have the quiet time necessary to recharge my own batteries, make sure my mental and emotional bank is full, or any other metaphors you want to use for introverts running flat. That’s me. This year, that’s especially true; not only did we have a couple of extra months thrown in the mix, but we are both experiencing a fair amount of angst over the new school year.

I’m one of those people who needs uninterrupted quiet time to allow my brain to push out any bad junk and rebuild itself. The disruption of having someone around — anyone, it really doesn’t matter who — distracts me from the mental work I know I need. I recognize that about myself, but without fail, my brain enters defrag mode once school starts and I have to remind myself what’s happening.

The early defrag stages are all about pushing out muck, much like deleting random computer files that were tied to a program no longer on the computer. Once my brain cuts through the noise and starts eliminating any lingering junk that just gets in my way, things start running smoother. I can start putting things in my little world back in order.

That’s what’s been happening for the last week. My brain has needed to find the silence by pushing out the muck. The process isn’t over — I’ll know when it is, because I can feel my mind start sparking and knocking like a furnace at the beginning of fall, belching out dust — but it’s a necessary process. And yet, I always resist it when it starts, instead of simply accepting that I need to let my brain do what it needs to do.

I have fought with myself over doing the things I need to do, even writing this blog. This is how I know I’m still in the mucking-out stage of things; I want to resist just about anything and everything. But at the same time, I keep thinking of things I want to tackle as projects, so I know the mucking out is nearly over. Next week will be better, and in the long run, understanding the investment I have to make in letting my brain heal itself means I can let it do its thing so it’s not constantly hanging me up at some later point.

I used to fight this all the time. I used to get caught up in guilt over not feeling like I could function properly. I didn’t let myself work through things, so they just backed up. I used to try to drown out the process with all sorts of noise. Some folks can do that and still find the necessary balance in their lives; I can’t. I don’t. It’s one of the many things I’ve learned about myself over the course of this journey, and I know that it’s a necessary hiatus that allows me to tackle things more effectively once it’s done.