Last week, I reposted the blog entry that started my journey. This past Sunday, September 3, marked four years that I’ve been on this journey, so it seemed appropriate to look back.
My husband read the old entry and observed something I had not: that my writing tone, from that day to this one, has changed quite a bit. I didn’t have much confidence — not in myself, no faith that I’d actually persevere in this quest. It was as if I really didn’t believe my own words.
Good things are also here right now.
Quite honestly, I didn’t. I was faking it until I made it, a gamble in itself because that often doesn’t work. I didn’t feel as if I had much of a choice, though; my life had become so limited, so small, that I knew I either needed to find the desire to change it, or sink into depression. So I took the step to give it another try; one step, one day out of innumerable previous attempts.
Living life on a small level left me feeling out of control. There were so many things I either couldn’t do or wouldn’t do because of fear. I felt overwhelmed by the things I needed to do, to a point where I did nothing at all.
Working my way out of that sort of mental (and physical) prison requires gaining control of something, no matter how small, and one thing I always have complete control over is what I put in my mouth. It’s that simple; that’s where I started. It was the small spark in tinder that grew to a flame and spread.
That’s what I mean by faking it until you make it. Taking control of that little bit of something allowed me the chance to start moving in the right direction until I built up enough momentum and enough success to become my own motivation for continuing.
He is right that I didn’t believe I could do it. Four years later, I know I can do it — because I’m doing it. Yes, I have my ups and downs, but the ways in which my life has changed are nothing short of breathtaking.
On a related note, I went to my doctor for an annual wellness checkup. I’ll brag and say the really nice part of being consistent in weight loss is that I don’t worry about the doctor fussing over my weight; he’s my partner in moving forward, and he’s aware of where I’ve been and where I’m heading. I told him that it’s quite likely I’ll be having knee replacement surgery within the next few months, and that I’ll soon be seeing my orthopedist to start the process — and he told me something I never have heard from a doctor, before.
He said — you’re going to come through this just fine. You’re healthy and you’re ready.
The lab results showed the same; my labs have never been better than they are at this moment. And while I still have weight to lose and health to gain, I am astounded by being here, at this point. Four years ago, I never could have imagined taking these steps.
Where will my fifth year take me? I can only imagine where I’ll be, a year from now.