I’ll be honest. I don’t know what to write, this week, so I’ll just tell you where I’m at.

It’s no secret I’ve been dealing with a long plateau. I once had a 2.5-year plateau and then finally just gave up trying to break it and ate all the things, regaining all of the 140.5 pounds I’d lost on that particular journey, and probably about 35 pounds or so more. I was tired of trying to figure out what was going on, felt like I’d deprived myself for far too long for no good reason, and gave in to the “it isn’t fair!” cry in the back of my head.

So needless to say, those things are on my mind, now. I’ve learned to turn down the volume of that insidious “it isn’t fair!” cry, but occasionally, the volume increases and I have to address it.

Like the longest plateau, I started seeing my weight creep up. I lied to myself about whether or not what I was doing was detrimental. At one point, I was up 25 pounds, and then (perhaps quite fortunately) I was refused knee surgery because of my weight, and it got me angry.

GIF visual of a weight loss plateau

Not that I didn’t get angry while I was on that very long plateau years ago, but this time, the difference is that my anger drove me to re-evaluate what I’m doing and why it wasn’t working. Before, I just stubbornly kept on the same path, and my journey started looking like I’d been caught in a huge traffic circle; I finally jumped off at the wrong exit and that was the end of what had been a very successful journey.

Journeys in the interim were moderately successful, but I just didn’t have the heart to stay on them long term. There’s only so much personal beating up you can stand before you just numb yourself with food, and I did that a couple of times.

I know all that is depressing to read, but I promised transparency when I first started this blog, and at times, I’ve strayed from it, so I feel it’s best to be honest about things now. The important thing is that unlike my earlier trials, I’ve done some crucial work on my own mindset, and it’s brought me to a different place; a mentally healthier one.

Instead of anger over the unfairness of being given a particularly tough go of it leading to frustration and then surrender, I’ve turned that anger back into what it should have been in the first place: being a scientist on my own behalf and actually evaluating myself for the possibility of change.

I am close to being off the infernal roundabout, and I know which exit to take. I am hovering just above my low weight after battling through the holidays. I am looking forward, again, to seeing the number on the scale each morning. I am confident my lot will change, soon, and holding firm.

The biggest change I see in my current circumstances over all the times I’ve thrown in the towel, before, is my mindset. I have far too much to lose and everything to gain by continuing to work on my own mental strength. So, I leave you with this: soon. Keep watching this space.