First things, first: I can finally announce that I’m at a new weight loss low. Ain’t it great? I am exactly 149 pounds down from my starting point. I have finally broken a plateau; that has lasted since last May.
“A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars.” – Carly Simon
I’ve waited a horrendously long time to pass Mile Marker 150 on my own personal highway. It’s been a long time in coming; I’ve been held back. I only need to look in the mirror to see who’s responsible for that.
Yes, part of the blame is because I had to recognize a need for a plan adjustment so I could progress. A tune-up, if you will. That got me a little bit farther on down the road.
I have lost 149 pounds of Floyd Mayweather, boxer.
The rest has been my good old brain and the mental junk I’ve clogged it up with, all surrounding my own fears of passing that mile marker. There was a fair amount to declutter; just when you think you’ve got a good handle on things, something else rears its ugly head and must be dealt with. A roadblock, if you will, that I constructed to stand in my own way.
I have been morbidly obese for probably 90% of my adult life. Being able to solve the riddle of why I ended up at a high weight of 371 pounds is absolutely crucial if I plan to avoid ever being in that same spot, again. It doesn’t come from trying to divorce myself from the things that landed me there; it comes from recognizing the scars and working through them.
At the heart of it is the eternal question: who am I? Close behind it: who do I want to be? One flows directly from the other. Without those answers, I am a vehicle with no steering wheel.
I was successful, once before, at losing 140 pounds, but I failed at keeping it off. The easy reason why is because I couldn’t answer those two simple questions. I wasn’t strong enough to cope with learning who I was, or could be; I wasn’t totally true to myself. So I gave up, and I let the weight come back, knowing full well that I was hiding.
Who am I? Right now, today, I am mentally strong, and I’m tired of hiding behind weight. I am secure in who I am. I’m learning immense things about myself, and one of the most amazing is that I’m perfectly capable of not only bouncing back from the scars, but that I know there are scars yet to come, and I’m not about to dwell on them. As Carly Simon said… I haven’t got time for the pain; I have a life to live. I’m moving the roadblocks and getting out of my own way.
Who do I want to be? My fullest self. Able to live my life with as much joy and gusto as I can manage. Remain true to me, to the things that bring me joy and a sense of self-worth. There’s no reason to hide, after all; I’m done with hiding scars. Scars are signs of healing, and that’s what I’m about.
150? Bring it!