What have you done that’s useful today?

My mother often says this to me as a harmless conversation starter, but I admit that it usually irritates me. It’s a throwback to a childhood where I often felt like I had to justify my existence, particularly to my father, who I’ve spoken about in this blog on occasion.

Maybe it irritates me because I have spent a good chunk of my life not feeling useful — or more to the point, not feeling as if I’m contributing something to the world, whether it’s been through my chosen profession, volunteer efforts, free time. When she asks me that question, I immediately feel as if maybe the things I do aren’t useful.

For me, this boils down to creativity. Everything I do that I derive value from comes from the deep need to create, whether it’s designing websites (my profession), knitwear design (a past profession), creating music, writing, or simply being creative in other ways. It’s a core belief for me that I submerged for longer than I care to admit; when I create, I feel as if I’m adding something of value, even if it’s only in my little corner of the universe.

This is very much a part of my own mental and emotional growth, the largest component of this massive life change I’ve committed myself to for the past nearly 6 years; in just one month, I’ll pass that six-year mark. Yes, there are most definitely times that I tend to step off the path and revert to the “why me? Why does this have to be so damned hard?” self-pity program, but even when I occasionally entertain those thoughts, I am so incredibly thankful that I have put in the work that I have. That effort has made it easier to get my head back in the right place.

It hasn’t just been physical work. Sure, any diet program is about physical changes, including food, exercise, methods. I’ve done that a billion times, it seems, but the results were far from final because no diet program in the world will completely be a success if it doesn’t address the core issue; until then, it’s just a band-aid. And band-aids aren’t permanent. (Personally, I think this intentional by the diet industry as a whole. It keeps them in business.)

Or as Taylor Swift so aptly put it, band-aids don’t fix bullet holes. I have also had to accept that the part of me that kept me down for so many years will always be there, and I will keep fighting it. The voices that try to lure me back grow softer each day, but there will always be a trace of bad blood. I work hard to make sure that trace remains just a trace.

Embracing the part of me that needs to feel free and create has been an important step in changing my mental functions. It has also made me more aware of my own social anxieties; my natural inclination is to pull away from situations that include a lot of people. I used to feel particularly scrutinized and claustrophobic when out among large crowds, but I’m finding that these days, they don’t bother me like they used to. I no longer feel the cold judgment that I did, years ago, knowing without a doubt that some of the whispers and looks in my direction were because of my size. Now, I hope the first things people notice about me are my contributions, not how much physical space I take. It’s taken quite a few years to shift from that mindset.

Removing that roadblock has helped me feel more comfortable when I go about dealing with other people, regardless of our relationship. Whether my feelings of not feeling accepted were my own imagined issues or someone else’s, it’s freeing to have made that important step forward, and most importantly, it helps reinforce my commitment to never returning to that dark place.