Yesterday morning, I drove our pickup truck down to a local business to get an oil change. It was rainy, cold, and I didn’t feel well-rested, so I wasn’t in the best of moods. Those of you that know me also know that when I’m in my best of moods, I still don’t necessarily like to strike up conversations with random people. I came to the oil change place armed with my Kindle reader so I could just quietly read until the truck was ready.
The only other person in the waiting room was a man a little older than me. He struck up a conversation with me; friendly enough, but it quickly entered into a serious discussion on how we each care for our elderly parents. We spoke about the various challenges of being a caregiver, how we deal with things, and why we do it. One of his last comments to me, though, was that he thanked me for the lovely conversation and said that he finds nice people everywhere.
As he left me there in the waiting room, it struck me that the way most people meet nice people everywhere is by being nice people, themselves. Kindness begets kindness, and that’s something I’ve needed to remember the last few days — and years, really — as I’ve watched unkindness in many forms.
A simple truth: if you want people to be kind to you, be kind, yourself. Even if they’re not kind, be kind in return; this can be the most trying response there is.
But most of all, be kind to yourself.
I don’t mean a selfish kindness. I mean a kindness that results in good things for yourself, whether it’s reducing stress, bettering your situation, health, or life. In light of this, the things we think are self-kindness are often not.
Snapping back at someone who is cruel doesn’t make the situation better, no matter how good it feels in the short term. Responding by counteracting cruelty, on the other hand, has the possibility of improving a situation. Usually, that means taking action rather than spewing words, and those actions can have longterm effects. In last week’s blog about Charlie Bravo, just yelling about horrible people who abandon dogs in crates to a certain death would have solved absolutely nothing. The action of releasing the dog and caring for her did so much more — even if the result had been tragic rather than the eventual good news it was.
Kindness is about the possibility of creating good.
In the same vein, reacting to a tough situation by buying a half-gallon of Chunky Monkey ice cream (is there such a flavor?!) and devouring it might feel like self-love in that moment, but not afterward. Not when you regret the decision or feel the consequences. No, that’s not kindness to yourself at all; it’s self-deception, and those who must commit to better health have to learn that there’s a difference between instant gratification and true self-care. One is destructive; the other pays dividends down the road, even if it’s difficult at the moment.
Some would call this ‘tough love’, but to me, it’s self-kindness to consider the consequences to my future self. The things I choose for myself in this moment have echoes down the road. It’s entirely up to me to decide if I will appreciate or regret those echoes.