Finally, I have passed the 25 pound mark; this pleases me, because I set an initial weight loss goal of 50 pounds, and this means I’ve passed the halfway mark. Last week, I sat at 24.8 pounds down; this week, I jumped right over that number and hit 27 pounds down. I’m very pleased with this!
27 Pounds of Maine Lobster – yum!
I have a couple minor milestones that I should reach, soon; I tend to keep track of the points where I started losing weight in the past, if I’m over them — and I should be passing a couple of them in less than 10 pounds. In some ways, it’s like passing familiar mile markers on a highway; they’re small reminders of where I’ve been.
I’ll admit that my attitude has changed about them, and I’m happy about that. Each time I’ve dieted, lost weight, and regained it, only to lament that I’m at an even higher starting weight the next time, I have beat myself up for it. I’ve chided myself for failure. I have felt positively disgusted with myself for having allowed myself to reach such a horrible point — fatter than ever.
This time? It’s a strange feeling, knowing that I’ll be passing those previous starting numbers soon, hopefully by the end of this year. I don’t feel that disdain or the need to personally flog myself over it any longer. My perspective has changed; I’m happy to be closing in on those numbers. I feel a sense of peace.
That surprises me just as much as anyone. I’m at peace even though I have two hundred pounds to lose? Well, yes. I know the results won’t come tomorrow, or next week, or next year. But I feel so much better about myself because I’m doing something and making progress, and not allowing myself to get hung up on how fast or slow change comes. (Right now. I’ll allow that my attitude will need future adjustments at some point.)
Yes, I’m still embarrassed by how large a woman I’ve become. Yes, I still feel a great bit of anxiety, just performing many tasks that most people find easy. Yes, I worry about many things that others of lesser weight don’t worry about, because of my size and abilities. And yes, if someone could wave a magic wand and I’d wake up in the morning with the same body I left behind when I was 19, I’d do it in a heartbeat.
Despite that, it’s become easier for me to accept where I am right now. Despite an adult lifetime of dealing with weight issues, I’m still learning and changing. There is still hope that this time, things are going to work.
The rewards for me, as I pass the 25 pound loss mark, are all good ones. I feel better than I have in quite some time; many of the health complaints I had before starting this effort have either improved or resolved. My knees don’t ache quite as much, and I know they’ll feel better as my weight continues to decrease. My clothes are fitting better. Because I feel like I’m accomplishing something by paying attention to my health, I am paying better attention to how I dress, how I groom myself, and the social activities I’m willing to participate in.
If you’re kicking yourself because you’ve gained weight, because you’re disgusted with yourself — please stop. Take just a week and commit to changing your lifestyle in simple ways, even if you’re not ready to fully commit to a diet/health plan at this time. Just the act of stepping forward to make the effort can have a tremendous effect on you.