In honor of Independence Day, a 52 pound watermelon.

That’s right, folks! I’ve finally broken through 50 pounds. I jumped right on the other side of it, and landed on 51.8, but this time, I’m actually not going to torture myself; I’m rounding to 52.

It’s time for a bit of a look back before I head on to the next leg of my journey, shooting for 100 pounds down.

I started my weight loss effort the day after Labor Day in 2013. It’s taken me a long time to lose 52 pounds, but that’s just the number on the scale; in my estimation, I’ve had many more improvements than that number would imply.

Very briefly — there are the obvious things, like better fitting clothes, less stress on my crappy knees, a better ability to get around. My health is better, overall, and no doubt, it’ll continue to improve as my weight loss progresses.

But the real difference is in my self-confidence, and that’s what truly needed to change. I’ve taken a couple videos of myself, talking to myself as I progress, and I will do another in a few days. I’ve told myself how I feel at that given moment, and my past (now heavier) self has spoken with reasons why I need to continue the good fight, if I’m flagging and don’t want to continue.

While I haven’t looked at them, lately, I will be when I record the next one. This was such a great idea; it’s very personal to me, but perhaps when I reach the end of my weight loss and head into the even more difficult job of maintaining, I’ll share it. That, and progress pictures; I’ll also be taking my first set of loss pictures since starting.

Without viewing the videos, though, I remember how thoroughly disgusted I was with myself when I stepped on the scale last fall and had to face the realization that not only had I gained back the previous loss of 70 pounds, but another 30 more on top of it. In a year. And I assure you, I wasn’t bellying up to a trough of food and burying my head in it — I was eating close to what most people would consider normal. I’m not going to say I’ve never binged, but it happens rarely. I have a very weight-sensitive body, and the fact is that I have to accept it and work within the parameters I have at this moment.

Having better self-confidence has led to some cool improvements for me, including a return to being more willing to take up things I was once good at; I’ve been sewing again, knitting again, playing french horn again. I’ve also been writing, again, although I want to do more of it and have been lax the last couple of months.

Looking back, I wonder how much I’ve been punishing myself for allowing myself to regain weight I’d previously worked very hard to lose. I’ve denied myself so many things that I previously enjoyed. I’ve been in a self-induced time-out, telling myself that I can’t do things I once did. It’s like a perpetual grounding; if you constantly remind yourself of limitations, you never rise above them.

I’m far from being physically able to do many of the things I once enjoyed, like hiking and boating, but putting time into the things I do enjoy has been a mental reward that has given me more confidence looking forward.

At some point in the future, I am not going to worry about how far I have to walk to get to a destination; walking will be a joy, as it once was. I am not going to fear walking up and down staircases, afraid of falling, and also being so winded when I reach the top or bottom that I have to stop and catch my breath. I am not going to worry whether or not a simple chair will hold my weight. I am not going to fear airline seats and their discomfort because of my size. I am not going to have to worry about whether or not a store I walk into will have my size; of course they will! I am not going to fear surgery, because my size adds a large risk factor to my survival. I am not going to think about peoples’ eyes on me, because I’m the largest person in the room.

At some point in the future, I am going to experience the joy of a morning walk in my lovely neighborhood, music in my ears and only stopping when I spy a deer or a rabbit in my path. (Photo op!) I am going to ride a bike, again. I am going to float a river, again, and enjoy a splashing battle on a hot day between more challenging sections of the river. I am going to scuba dive again, and see the richness of life far below the water’s surface. I am going to hike a mountain path, again, and let my breath be taken away when gazing at the beauty of the valley, below.

I am going to achieve the goals that have only been passing daydreams, so distant that they seem unachievable. But now I’m closer; one leg of the journey is behind me, and my destination is no longer just a distant dream.

A final note: I’ll be out of town for the next two Fridays, so there won’t be a blog for those dates. I’ll do a recap on my return. <3