I’m back after two Fridays off from writing this blog. And the best news is… I’m back!

I was in Cozumel, Mexico for a wonderful week of fun in the sun and no worries about what I ate or drank. Consequently, I returned to a 17.8 pound gain. I was absolutely prepared for seeing a much higher number on the scale, though, so when I stepped on the scale, I wasn’t totally shocked by the gain. I knew I was carrying a lot of water weight; I always do when I travel. I’ve since dropped nearly ten pounds of that gain. It’ll take me a few weeks to re-lose any real weight gain; and by “real”, I mean “not water weight”.

Now, for me, this is victory. A big one!

Why? Because I’m here. I’m back, writing this blog. I got back on the wagon after vacation.

The last time I went on a big vacation was 2012. This blog site includes over a year’s worth of entries before that vacation; I stopped posting in late June, roughly a month before I went to Mexico. I was getting discouraged because my weight had plateaued and I was playing plenty of head games with myself. Mind you, it’s important to keep a positive attitude when you’re trying to lose weight, but it’s also important to be realistic, and I don’t believe I was, back then. I’d lost 63 pounds (all this time, I thought it was 70, but I found the numbers), and I’d been exercising a bit — mostly working out in the pool at the gym.

I did not have reasonable expectations of my own abilities; I thought I would have no problems at all while on vacation, but once I arrived, I discovered that I did still have limitations. I was embarrassed by them. I felt as if I was holding my friends and husband back from having a good time. I also had a few instances in which I felt absolutely mortified and humiliated, targeted because of my weight. And when I saw the photos of myself, I felt horribly fat. I became so frustrated with the differences between what I thought was reality and what was actually real, and just surrendered.

I gave up. I never returned to my weight loss efforts. And in the months following that surrender, I gained back everything I lost — plus even more weight. While I’ve lost 52 pounds, I am not to the low I was before going on vacation two years ago; in fact, I’m still substantially above it.

And yet, I consider this most recent vacation a much bigger success, despite weighing more and being able to do less.

This time, I had reasonable expectations — and I exceeded them.

I accepted that I wouldn’t be able to get around easily, and I came up with a plan to increase my mobility. We bought a collapsible wheelchair that traveled with us, and we used it quite a bit; although I wasn’t crazy about using a wheelchair (it’s a bit embarrassing, to tell the truth; I felt as if it were a crutch I shouldn’t be using, at times), it meant that we could get out and do the things we wanted to do, and we did.

I knew that it would be very difficult to control my food intake; it’s a foreign country with unfamiliar foods, so I planned to take the week off of watching my carb and calorie intake, and promised myself that when we returned home, I would return to my weight loss efforts. I knew I would have weight gain, but dedicated myself to dropping whatever I gained during the week. When this past Monday came, I fell back into my dietary routine — and my body is happier, now.

I know I am a very large woman — so when the photos were taken, even though there’s a part of me that really hates how I look right now, I accepted that those photos are me at a specific point in my efforts.

I often stumble in new social situations, because I feel inadequate; as if people won’t like me because I’m a fat woman. I promised myself that I wouldn’t draw back from meeting new people, and I’m happy that I allowed myself to do that; I met some wonderful folks, and it made vacation even better to share some memories with new friends.

This was one of the best vacations I’ve ever had, despite seeing much of it from a wheelchair, despite still dealing with many limitations.

The best part? I am proud of not letting myself wallow in self-pity over the things I can’t do, yet. This time, I am not a quitter, and believe me, that really is the best part of this experience.

The best news is — truly — I’m back. I’m keeping my promises to myself, and I’m moving forward.