Please — I’m begging you — don’t give up on me.

I’m not talking to “you”, those who read this blog, but to me, that vision in the mirror.

Because that’s what I’ve been doing. I recognize all the signs. The subtle letting go of things, one by one, until one day, I realize I’m not really making the effort I once was, and I really don’t want to, because I’ve fallen into apathy.

I am that person, and I’m admitting it, here.

The last blog I wrote was on taking 100% responsibility for my life. I’ve done some soul-searching, but not enough to get my head fully in the right place.

Taking that responsibility means recognizing what I am no longer doing for myself. Not only have I stopped being disciplined in my weight loss methods, but I also have not been disciplined in other areas of my life that I know, without a doubt, are to my benefit and enjoyment.

This morning, I watched the videos I made during my journey. I knew, when I made them, that I would reach a point where I just simply deny and tuck under the rug all the things I’ve been working toward. I’ve made some big changes in my life, in the name of achieving long term goals and dreams; and now that those things are finally falling into place, I find myself facing them — not with joy, but with fear.

Fear always holds me back. Fear is the embodiment of being told I’m not good enough, so many years ago, and reacting by giving in to that devaluation.

I fear that I can’t do the things I set my sites on; so I short myself the effort and therefore, the disappointment of failure.

I fear the truth that I’m really not a good writer, so I don’t write.

I fear the pain of exercise, and the judgments people inevitably make of that fat woman lumbering into the gym, so I don’t go.

I fear the possibility that I may never be able to lose all the weight I need to lose, so I stop trying.

And that’s where I am, today, looking around and realizing how many things I’ve let go in the name of fear.

I’m not looking for cheerleaders, even though I appreciate it when people support my efforts.

I know that when I write, it’s not about who reads it or what they think of it; it’s about my need to tell a story, first and foremost. Editing takes care of the rest.

I know that when I walk into the gym — or anywhere else, that matter — there will always be those that judge me by my appearance, even if I achieve every single one of my health-related goals. People, by nature, judge. Will I let the judgment of people I don’t know or care about hold me back?

I know there’s the possibility that I may never be able to lose all the weight I need to lose — but that is never an excuse for not making the effort. Without the effort, I guarantee it will not happen. That’s the stark reality of the matter; this takes effort. Period.

I know the steps I need to take to make each of these things a reality — and it starts with not giving up on myself. It’s time to be brave, again; to step forward and take chances.

So here I am, friends; kick my head into the right place or give me encouragement, tell me your stories, inspire me to be better.

But whatever you do, please don’t give up on me.