I’m still keeping up the good fight, hoping to conquer 118 so I can amuse you with a new profile pic and a new “I’ve lost this much” pic. Stay tuned! It’ll happen!

In the meantime, I’ve been doing a fair amount of thinking about how my body has changed over the years. This came up while cleaning; I’ve been in the process of going through a lot of old boxes and papers, including old photos. Many stages of my life, I recall clearly. Some, I’d rather forget.

A World of Difference between Then and Now

I’ve found a number of photos that surprise me. It’s not because of my weight at the time; it’s more about the reflection of a mindset, reminders of times when I know, for a fact, I was horribly depressed and unhappy with my life. I came across such a photo several weeks back; by my best calculations, I was just about to turn 36. I am now 54, so there’s been quite a bit of ground covered between that time and now.

Weight-wise, I was probably heavier at almost-36 than I am, now. What I noticed wasn’t weight related; it was how one photo of me captured how unhappy I was, how out of tune within myself. Over the course of my life, I’ve dealt with stretches of depression, and this was one of them.

I didn’t like myself very much, and in those dark days, I tried to be everything to everyone else without bothering to make sure I was being true to me. Forgetting who you are is a dangerous mindset. Ignoring your inner nature eats at you until there’s nothing left but a shell. Drifting through the world, barely functioning, far too afraid to make changes — it’s a bad place to live, and I am glad I am no longer there.

Those who have known me all this time might say I was a nicer person, back then. Soft spoken, the kind of person who didn’t stand her ground or make waves. I admit that these days, I can be brazen and at times obnoxious. I’m less inclined to just go along with the flow. I’m more opinionated, I stand my ground, I take chances, I say no a lot.

I still struggle with mental demons, but I am more me than I have been in a very long time.

But I don’t have that dissonance, that sense that I’m not good enough unless I become what other people expect. I am who I am; take me or leave me. I am made better by my experiences and the absolute true friends who are part of my life, and these days, even my worst photo shows that internal fortitude. I am a fighter, once again.

Being at peace with who you are can make more difference than 18 years and all the weight in the world. Letting your true colors shine strengthens you from the inside out.