Weight loss update: I lost .4 pounds this week, but it’s not enough to change my ticker. Still — every ounce makes a difference; it’s the cumulative effort of small steps.
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I met a young woman, yesterday, who was going through tough times. I was in a situation where I had no choice but to share my space with her, and she unloaded her life’s troubles on me. (Honestly, I must just have one of those faces where people feel comfortable telling me their life stories. This happens more than I care to admit. Perhaps I missed my calling as a psychiatrist.)
She is probably around my own daughter’s age — later 20’s — with two small children; one who is profoundly handicapped, and she doesn’t know who the father is. The other has a father but he and his family rarely participate in her life and they shun her. She had the expectation that they would include her in their family and they would love their oldest grandson, but this hasn’t been the case.
It’s not what happens to you — it’s how you choose to react. Bravo, seal!
Of her own family, her uncle has been in jail. Her mother didn’t want children, she says, and she feels no love. Her father died when she was 10 and her stepfather has always mistreated her. Her grandmother gives her some respite, but she has led a life of living on public assistance, being bounced from one place to the next, even being beaten by her son’s father, recently. What little she has, has been stolen.
As I listened to her, one thing became crystal clear: she sees herself as a victim with no control, prone to the things that happen to her, and none of them are good. I did not offer her advice — it wasn’t my place to do that, and the few words I said merely brought on more tales of woe.
I do feel bad for her and any other person who finds themselves in a similar situation, where they feel powerless over their own lives. And sure, you could easily say that she caused her own predicament by the choices she’s made.
The inability to accept responsibility for your lot in life is hardly rare, and it’s certainly not limited to poor single mothers. I’ve heard denials of life’s circumstances from people who live otherwise enviable lives. That inability is, unfortunately, part of the human condition and far from rare; it strikes people regardless of income, career choice, faith.
One of the reasons I believe that I’ve been successful on this weight loss journey is because one of the first things I did was take full responsibility for my situation. I used to blame my obesity on genetics; my paternal grandmother was a large woman, and my father tended toward the heavy side. Then I blamed it on circumstances; I deal with thyroid issues, as well as blood sugar issues.
Without sharing my laundry list of previous excuses, I took responsibility for them all. Taking responsibility is not a process of flogging myself for implied bad behavior and punishing myself. So many people see it that way — or that it lets someone who has done us harm off the hook for hurting us.
Taking responsibility involves two key process, the first of which is an acceptance of where you are right now. It’s both painful and powerful to know your starting weight on a diet; painful because you have to admit where you are, at this moment, and powerful because you have a starting point, and you will appreciate that information, later. With that acceptance of where you are, whether it’s weight or other factors in your life, brings an awareness that you possess the potential for change.
The second is internalizing the reasons why you are in the place you are in. When you actively work to pinpoint those reasons, you can look for ways to change your course. I may fight genetics, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do the best I can to counter them. I may suffer from medical issues, but I live in a time where I have resources to help me balance my body’s chemical imbalances. Accepting these things (and many others) have given me a path to change the outcome, which is within my power. After all, bad genetics didn’t make me eat too much pizza, and thyroid issues didn’t force me to eat that second (or third) cupcake. I did that.
I may not be able to change the things that got me to where I am at this point in my life, but I can choose my reactions. That’s a place of power and strength. The more I react positively to the bad things that happen, the less bad they seem, and the more progress I make.
If I were to pick the one difference between the young woman I met yesterday and myself, that would be it. I could have easily ended up in her shoes when I was young, tossed about by bad circumstances and feeling powerless to change, stuck in a life I didn’t want but hopeless to change it. But I found the courage to change my course before it swayed too far out of control. Looking back, I am constantly amazed that I found the strength to do that as a young woman, and that seedling that pushes me to keep reinventing myself as a master of my circumstances is still there. The more I use that ability, the stronger I become.
I’m well aware not everyone has that — or perhaps they do, and they don’t know how to ignite the fire needed to make abrupt and powerful changes; that’s something each person must find on their own. Change is always possible, but we have to be willing to try.