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Week 1: First Day of the Last Diet Ever

Sep6

This past Tuesday was a special day: it was the first day of my last diet.

That’s my goal: I want that day to be the last ever “first day of diet” that I ever have, because this time, I am going to do everything possible to make it a success.

Of course, that’s the attitude I always start out with, even though the memory of all the previous failures is there. It’s ever-present, that reality, and I have to fight strong to believe that this effort won’t be like every other time I’ve attempted weight loss — just another diet, doomed to failure. It doesn’t have to be that way. Because if I believe that this time won’t be different, I will fail.

I’ve lost 6 pounds total — the approximate size of this large mouth bass.

I’ve decided that the best course of action is to do things that will help me down the road. Starting a diet is easy work; the hard work comes when the scale’s not cooperating, when there’s no evident progress being made, and the temptation to give up is great. With that in mind, I’ve already done a number of things I usually avoid doing when starting a diet, as well as committing myself to things that will hopefully help me in the long run.

They are:

 

I took a starting weight. As elemental as this sounds, there have been times that I’ve been so afraid of the scale that I haven’t done that one thing. In fact, my most successful weight loss journey ever started with not knowing my exact weight, because I didn’t have a scale that could weigh me.

Look, I’m not going to beat around the bush, as much as I’d like to: I am morbidly obese. There’s no hiding or avoiding that fact. Older scales generally only weigh up to 300 pounds, and guess what? I was over 300. The first reading I was able to get, after several weeks of dieting, was 338 pounds. During that journey, I lost 140.5 pounds — based on that starting number of 338, which wasn’t accurate.

This time around, our home scales only weigh to 300 pounds, but we have a gym membership. The gym has a doctor’s scale, so shortly before 5 am on Tuesday morning, I went there to weigh — only to discover that the scale stops at 350.

And I apparently weighed more than that.

We now have a new scale that weighs to 400 pounds, and also takes some other nifty data, like body fat percentage. I was able to weigh myself on Wednesday. While I am thoroughly embarrassed to admit this, that starting number is 371. I could write volumes here about how that number devastated me, but that’s for another blog.

So, although it wasn’t easy by a long shot, I have a starting weight.

I am also weighing daily, which I haven’t done with a diet for quite some time. I’m charting daily weights to see if I can detect any trends, and each Friday, I’ll post the lowest weight for that week.

 

I took starting measurements. The last few times I’ve dieted, I have skipped this. I can’t even really tell you why, except that it’s avoidance. The dumb thing about skipping measurements is that when I’ve needed some sort of indicator of success, I’ve denied myself the ability to compare and see progress and success.

There are times when I have really needed that reinforcement, and when I’ve denied myself that, I’ve struggled. I’ve done this enough to know that there are times when measurements change and the scale doesn’t, so I’m giving myself the gift of knowing those beginning measurements, this time, so months down the road, when I need the boost, I’ll be able to see the difference and hopefully keep myself on track.

I plan to take new measurements at the first of every month.

 

I took starting photos. During my most successful weight loss journey, I took a photo journal of my progress. I can still look back on that and say “hey, I did it.” While it’s difficult in the early months to see much of a difference, those changes become much more evident over the course of time. It’s another reinforcement of progress, and while I’ll likely take photos monthly, I also will take photos when I hit specific weight goals.

Along those lines, I am also going to take a good head shot photo on a regular basis, and it’ll be one where I fix my hair, do my makeup, and look happy. I’ll use this as an avatar for my various online activities. I’m guilty of using photos that are a year or two old, sometimes older, and it’s important for me to have an accurate idea of what I look like at any given time. Why hide it? I am who I am.

 

I publicly committed myself. I need the support of my friends and relatives, so I felt it was important to make sure those close to me know that I’m working toward improving my health. This blog is an extension of that effort.

As silly and vain as this sounds, the last time I lost weight, I lost around 70 pounds, which is a terrific effort. But my ego took an extreme hit when no one noticed or said anything to me about it. I’d like to believe that I don’t need that ego reinforcement, but apparently, I do; I need people to acknowledge that I’m making the effort and seeing success.

That doesn’t mean I want people gushing over me… no, what I want is the sincere comments of people who actually see a difference, especially from those that don’t realize I’m making an effort to lose weight. This is a slippery slope, and I’d really like to take ego completely out of the picture, but I have to admit to myself that I loved it when I lost 140 pounds and people didn’t even recognize me. That gratification helped keep me on track. And while I’ve written quite a bit about not wanting to be identified by my weight or my weight loss, to a point, that’s not entirely true. I don’t want to be the fattest person in the room; and I don’t want to continually be that woman that lost so much weight (please, let that be the case again!), but inevitably, I’m the sum of my experiences, and that includes the battle I’ve waged with obesity.

 

I privately committed myself. I did something I’ve never done, before: I made a video to Future Me. In it, I explain to the Future Me who’s struggling to stay on plan how it is, right now, to live in this body, to deal with this weight, and why things need to change. I did it in hopes that I’ll watch it when I need a kick in the butt, when I have forgotten the struggles that drove me to the point of recommitting myself to another effort — my last effort, if I’m successful.

There are other things I plan to do during the course of this journey, including things like tracking my symptoms, tracking changes in clothing sizes (for the record, I’m currently in size 28 jeans and 4X shirts), and more. It is a colossal effort, but it needs to be done.

 

I’m 51 years old; my 52nd birthday is next month. This is a gift I’m giving myself; I can’t live like this any longer. I have denied myself any number of pleasurable pursuits because of my weight and subsequent physical problems.

It’s not who I am, today; it’s who I am tomorrow that will make the difference.

(And, by the way, I’m down 6 pounds.)

Week 1: Time to Dust

Mar27

It’s that time, again.

That time when I feel guilty enough about letting myself slide that I know I need to do something — anything — to get back on the right track, get my head in the game, or any number of other diet-related cliches you can think of.

I started back to low carb yesterday. Right now, I’m just trying to slide back into things; I’m doing straight low carb without counting calories, no exercise, until I get to the point to really bear down, again. I intend to weigh, measure, and take pics, instead of just relying on using clothing for fit. Last time, while I did stick with the program over a year, and using clothing as an indicator of weight loss was a good one, it often wasn’t enough.

At the risk of playing head games with myself, I need to use all indicators at my disposal; anything that can indicate and reinforce positive change. Quite often, our bodies betray us; we lose weight but not inches. We lose inches without a change on the scale. Our clothes fit differently without a change in inches or the scale. I need every single positive thing I can use to keep me from giving up. I also need to use those tools in a way that I’m not obsessing over them or flogging myself. I need to track long term instead of beating myself up short term.

Most of all, I need faith in myself that it’s possible to lose the weight, again. That it’s possible to improve my life and get to a point where I live with less fear, less shame, less self-doubt.

I’d love to tell you that I’m happy with my size; that I’m comfortable in my own skin, but I am not. I’m fully aware of the importance of self-acceptance, but that doesn’t mean I totally believe it. The truth is, it’s hard to accept yourself when you’re physically in pain and no one to blame for it but yourself. It’s difficult to accept the limitations of your current being when you know, without a doubt, that you’re capable of incredible things — and those things are out of reach. But knowing those things, and admitting them, is a start.

Over the days to come, I’ll be taking the vitals: starting weight, starting measurements, photos, the works. Although I’m down about things, now, I enter into this with the glimmer of hope: that this will be the final time I will need to be in active weight loss rather than maintenance.

If you’re reading along, thanks!

Y2, Week 13: Be a Scientist

Jun29

Last week, I talked about making several adjustments to my regimen. I’m thrilled to say that it appears I’m having a good bit of success. This is why it’s important to evaluate and change what you’re doing,  especially if you have a lot of weight to lose. What worked at 334 pounds wasn’t working so well at 271, and I expect that the changes I’m making today may not be as effective — or effective, at all — at 210. I had to get out of what has become safe and comfortable for me in order to see results.

My intention was to give the Atkins Fat Fast a shot, because it would be an indicator to me that I’m on the right track regarding insulin resistance. In my mind, I was fidgeting about when to start, because really, it’s not a picnic. But as luck would have it, I woke up with an upset stomach on Tuesday, and figured what the heck, I might as well try it since I’m limiting foods, anyway. WIN.

I weighed in on Monday morning at 282, 11 pounds above my low weight of 271. I knew part of that was water weight from the weekend. Tuesday morning started the fat fast. As of this morning, I am down 9.5 pounds since Monday; 7 of that during the fat fast of a whole three days. Realistically, I know probably more than half of that weight is water weight; but if even a pound or two of it is real weight lost, it’s a success.

The skeptical among you might be thinking that anyone should lose weight on a 1000 calorie a day regimen; and that it’s calories in, calories out that matters. I would agree with you — partially. The reason why I don’t wholly buy into the calories are all that count methodology is because my normal daily caloric intake is between 1200 and 1300. A deficit of 200-300 calories a day, over a three day period, should not have resulted in even one pound of loss. I’ll even add that I did not exercise on those days when I normally do, so if you calculate an offset for exercise (which I don’t) on my normal eating days, I was probably eating roughly 1000 calories before the fat fast.

The difference is the high proportion of fat with a great reduction in both carbs and protein. (This is why the fat fast is only recommended for a 3-5 day course; it lacks good nutrition.) The absence of carbs and protein forces an insulin-resistant body to go to stored fat for energy more so than it does in the presence of carbs and protein. I forget the exact proportions, but I believe that water weight is linked to body fat, as it is to glycogen, which is the body’s glucose stores. As you burn glycogen/release fat, you also release water, so the two go together.

I also have changed up my supplement regimen.  Years ago, I took supplements recommended by Atkins for those who are metabolically resistant; chromium, CO-Q10, l-carnitine, to name a few. I stopped taking them for financial reasons, and that may have been part of why I ended up putting weight back on. I am now taking them again, and while I believe it’ll take a few weeks to a month to have a full effect, I think they are part of the reason why the fat fast was so effective.

I think the combo of the change in supplements, in addition to the Fat Fast, have helped me get down to 1.5 pounds away from my low. Having done this experiment, I’m now looking to adjustments in my overall program, including increasing the amount of fat I include in my regular eating. I’d gotten away from high fats because of calories, and that was perhaps a mistake for me. I’m going to make a point to include more (healthy) fats in my diet, and I’m also going to do at least a modified fat fast 1-2 times a month.

I’ll also add that I have further reduced the prescriptions I take. I phased out an HRT and an anti-depressant several months ago (late March), and have now reduced arthritis meds in half. So far, my body has only had minor objections. As I continue to lose weight, I hope to alleviate daily use of arthritis medications.

I did not put on goal pants, since I’m not back down to the goal which moved me to those pants. I’m hoping to have dipped down to a new low in the weeks to come.

 

Y2, Week 12: Adjustments

Jun22

I’ve dropped about four pounds since my last post. While I’m not down to my low, yet, I see this as really good news.  Until I’m at my low, though, I see no point in trying on goal jeans.

When you get what you feel is a setback, the best thing to do is to reevaluate instead of throwing in the towel. That’s what I’ve been doing.  I got a copy of my test results, today; thyroid numbers look good. My fasting glucose number, however, is out of lab range at 111; normal is 65-99, by this lab.

Typically, my fasting glucose number has been above 100 over recent tests. I got to digging into this earlier this week, and from the sources I’ve read, 100-125 is an indicator of insulin resistance.  It’s difficult to lose weight if you’re insulin resistant, and Dr. Atkins wrote that the morbidly obese may well be insulin resistant.

This is a gross oversimplification, but basically, someone who is insulin resistant has cells that don’t take in enough insulin to process food properly. As a result, the body calls the pancreas for more insulin, and the cells don’t metabolize the food you do eat, regardless of calories. Anything left in your system as glucose gets stored as fat. Period. Youch.

The conundrum: insulin resistance improves as you lose weight, but if you’re insulin resistant, it can be nearly impossible to lose. It’s the mobius of dieting.

So, I’m tinkering and reevaluating, because it’s time. It’s been 2 1/2 months since I’ve seen a loss. It’s probably past time, in fact. That was a downside of using clothes as an indicator of goal; if I’d been on the scale, I probably would have been on this sooner. Alas, all I can do is move forward, and that includes:

  • Incorporation of certain supplements into my daily program, including ones that may assist in insulin uptake to cells, in hopes that it’ll help me metabolize food better. This should result in more energy and get me back on the path to weight loss.
  • I’m going to experiment with the Fat Fast that was printed in DANDR. The only food that doesn’t draw an insulin response is fat, so perhaps this will shake things up a bit.
  • I’m working on phasing out prescription medications that may be complicating weight loss. If they were life-and-death medications, I wouldn’t do this and won’t suggest it to anyone else, but they’re not.
  • Until I start seeing the numbers go down below my current low of 271, I’ll be watching the scales. Once I know things are on a downward course, again, I will likely go back to using clothing as an indicator of loss, although I don’t freak out about the scale like I have in the past.

I believe that when you’re on a program to lose weight/become fit/accomplish whatever goals you’re after, you have to be a scientist on your own behalf. You have to be willing to try new things and judge the results objectively, and even if you’re impatient, you have to give the trials enough time to work.

That’s tough, because I know so much emotion is tied up in our appraisals of ourselves and our worth.  But realistically, I’m still a morbidly obese woman, and saying “screw this, I want a Sonic blast!” solves nothing.  I’ll record the changes as they happen.

Y2, Week 11.5: Doctor’s Visit, Head Games

Jun19

I may have mentioned in a previous blog that my longtime doctor died a couple months ago.  This was while he was working at trying to balance out my thyroid meds. This left me with a decision to make: it’s tough going to a new doctor when you have extreme weight issues, because there’s still that ever-present mindset that you’re just not trying hard enough.

I went to a new doctor today.  Thyroid tests have been taken, and we’ll see if there are adjustments needed when the results are in, probably in a couple of days. On the good side of things, he seemed receptive and did the right things.  Plus, my blood pressure, which I have been monitoring since the last visit, has gone down, even though I tend to have white coat hypertension. (See a doc or nurse, and BP goes sailing upward!)

The bad side is that I weighed in this morning at 280.5, which is 9.5 pounds up from my low.  This frustrated me, for more than the obvious reasons; oddly, I have felt like I was losing, not gaining, although I do feel somewhat bloated. I had recently gone down a bra cup size, and here the scale is, reporting that I’m up, not down. WTF, indeed?

And I admit — when I see that number go up despite having stuck to my guns, it makes me want to say “screw it” and enjoy the foods I really like, etc.

You’ll be happy to know that I didn’t do that. Because, really, there has been good news; it’s just that my mind is so focused on weight that I immediately wanted to dismiss all other pluses as secondary, as if the weight gain were a verdict saying “try harder, loser”.   The good things include good progress at lowering my blood pressure without aid of prescription drugs, being otherwise pronounced healthy and “boring”. (I’ll take that kind of boring any old time, thanks.)

Plus, I got a new knee brace this week. It’s another custom brace like my last one; it’s breaking in nicely, and I’ll soon be strolling around the neighborhood with it. I did a lot of walking on Saturday, and had minimal knee pain. Friends, this is what I was hoping for — the alleviation of pain so I can continue to lose by exercising, and by just plain moving.

Alas, I’m going to make a temporary change: and that is, I will be weighing daily for a while, in hopes of seeing enough of a loss on the scale that I’ll be back at my 271 pound low.  At this point, I want to document any trends, and it will perhaps give my doctor more information for finding the keys to solving my hormonal imbalances.

As several friends have pointed out, the solution when you’re not seeing success is never to intentionally fail by giving up.

Y2, Week 7: Goal Pants and Creaky Knees

May20

Goal pants: I didn’t try them on this week. My head wasn’t in the best of places on Friday after getting on the scale and seeing a four pound gain when I haven’t been on the scale since March, a good 6 weeks ago. I had to wrap my head around that whole “you GAINED?!” thing and put it in perspective.

Now, those of you that have followed the blog know that I don’t weigh unless a reach a certain goal — or I’m heading to the doc. In this case, it was the doc.  While my orthopedist doesn’t weigh me, I wanted to talk to the doc about getting a new knee brace, since the one I have doesn’t fit anymore. I figured that having a number reference would be a good thing, but in the long run, it was a mistake to weigh.

For one thing, the person I saw at the doc’s office didn’t care about the beginning and end numbers; she just referred me to the brace fitter and said if they can’t make my current one work, the office would write a new prescription for one. And more importantly, seeing a gain on the scale didn’t do me any good, no matter how much I told myself that the scale doesn’t matter.

My clothes are fitting better overall, so I’m going to just tuck the gain in the back of my brain and use it as a reminder that I need to check myself on occasion. I have been letting weekends get away from me when it comes to raising my carbs and calories, and I needed to clean it up. This weekend, I’ve been doing much better. So perhaps that’s the kick in the seat that I needed.  I’m a couple months out from my next fitness challenge, so I have time to correct this.

Now, about my creaky knees: the difficulties I had in Vegas served to push me to a decision I’d been putting off.  For the past several years, I’ve been takinginjections in my knees.  I can get them every 6 months, but weight loss has helped my knees a lot, so this time, it’s been a year. I started the series on Friday, and it’ll finish off in a couple of weeks.

The other thing I did was decide to see if I can have my brace redone.  The  brace I have was custom fitted for my leg, and once again, since losing 63 pounds, the brace no longer fits. It slides down my leg when I wear it, and because I’ve dropped from size 26 pants to size 22, the pants won’t fit over the top of the brace. (This brace has a titanium metal bar that forms the outside of it, and it’s formed to my leg — as it was.)  I figure that if the brace can be reordered in a smaller configuration, that will last me another 30-40 pounds.  At that point, I don’t think I’ll need it. I’ve only put it on a couple of times since last November, and even then, it didn’t fit very well.

The purpose of doing these two items is to increase my mobility. The more weight I lose, the better my mobility gets. The better my mobility is, the more I can do. And I need that. I was originally seeing both items as somehow “giving in”, but that’s just backward thinking. If they help me progress so I can continue toward health and fitness, then I need to do it.

Y2, Week 5: Struggling with Mental Issues

May4

Stop looking for Week 4; I was in Vegas and didn’t post. 😉

So… I’m struggling with a lot of things at the moment, but first, a recap on the Vegas trip.  I was thrilled on the way there, because not only did I fit the seat, but I didn’t need a seat belt extender. That was a real boost for me.  I also did a lot of walking while in Vegas, and the knees/legs lasted longer than I thought they would. But by the end of the week, they were still shot, and it’s been a few days to recover. I guess if there’s good news, there, it’s that any soreness I had wasn’t because of muscles, and recovery has been quicker than it has been in the past.

I had a fantastic time in Vegas with some truly wonderful people. That’s not an issue at all.  But I did get some kicks in the chops when pictures started getting posted and other peoples’ weight losses were mentioned, but mine wasn’t. Yes, I know this is an ego thing; and I am caught between wanting the recognition of having lost 63 pounds, and not wanting it noticed because it screwed with my head when I had to constantly recount my story and my current weight when I lost 140 pounds years ago. I don’t want to be identified by weight loss anymore than I want to be identified by my weight. But. I guess I am somewhat saddened that 63 pounds of me is gone and it’s not immediately noticeable.

I’ve been mentally flogging myself over feeling bad about it. And complicating everything else, I have a new awareness of my body that I haven’t had in quite some time; I’m not sure if this is a consequence of the mental mule kick or just bad timing. How to explain this?  Well, I feel fat. Yeah, I know, I am fat; I’m stating a fact, not insulting myself.  But for the first time, I feel my body, and I can feel where the fat is exactly, how much there is, how thick it is in places, how far I have to go before it’s gone. That awareness might be a very good thing, but right now, it’s serving as a reminder to me that I need to suck it up and keep up the hard work.

With all this crap floating around in my mind, plus the complications that hit because of overeating and walking too much for cranky knees, I came very close to not getting back on the wagon. My mind was literally screaming why bother? to me.  And it’s been tough to not give in to that voice. I’m disappointed in myself, because I really did want to be further along in the journey by now, and while I know logically why I am where I am, I’m having a really hard time with self-acceptance at the moment. I see pics of myself and cringe. I don’t see any progress that I’ve made. I’m still the largest one in the room.

Now, I’m admitting to this and writing it out because even though my brain keeps demanding that I just give it up because it’s not doing any good, I know on a lot of levels that I have made progress, and it becomes exponential at this point. The progress I make in both weight loss and strength training will have an increased effect from this point onward; the larger percentage of my overall body weight that I lose, the more noticeable it will become. A 63 pound loss, if you start out at 234 pounds, is much more noticeable than a 63 pound loss when you start at 334 pounds; I know that. And now that I’m smaller, any loss I have will be a larger proportion of my overall weight.

Plus, as I continue to lose, any strength I gain will have a bigger effect. The more weight I lose, the happier my knees are, and the better job my muscles can do keeping things aligned and working properly. In short, I would be an idiot to give up now, because I’m on the brink of this mattering so much more than it has.

As an addendum… I didn’t put on my goal pants this morning. I’m going to give myself a solid week of being on plan before doing that again; I recognize that I’m not in the strongest place, mentally, so I’m not going to compound it by trying on goal pants. I know I’m still carrying some water weight, as well as real gained weight, from a week of vacation.

Y2, Week 2: Next Goal Clothes, Exercise

Apr13

Somehow or other, I lost a week when I was labeling posts, so that’s why you aren’t seeing a Week 1 or a Week 52 from last year; they were pretty much the same week. 🙂

I selected new goal pants on Wednesday. Since it was just Wednesday when I tried them on to take pics, I didn’t bother with trying them on this morning. This time, I’m going with a pair of jeans that are size 22 petite.  A friend of mine says that petite sizes run a full size smaller than regular sizes; I’m going to assume she’s right, since that’s how these seem to fit. They are slightly smaller than the size 22 black jeans that I just called as a fit recently.  They are also at the smallest range for 22, so once I’m in them, the next size for goal pants is size 20.

I have kept the same shirt for a goal shirt; it fits everywhere but the upper sleeves. I have big upper arms (which I detest, but what are you going to do?), so when they aren’t so noticeably tight, I’ll call the shirt a fit. Off hand, I don’t recall what size the shirt is marked.

I’m still just amazed that I’m this close to a size 20.  I know that some clothes come in 16W, but for the most part, 18W is the smallest plus size.  I will be absolutely thrilled when I am out of the plus size department.

I’ve been going through more “archived” clothes from the last time I lost a great deal of weight.  Yesterday, I went through a bunch of dress clothes, and hung up the ones I wanted to keep. That’s the next major group of clothes that I’ll be fitting back into, and the majority of them are around size 18. After that, I’ll actually have to buy new clothes. I’m predicting/guessing/hoping that I’ll be in them in about another year. And honestly, a year doesn’t really sound like that far away.

Exercise:

I’m back in the swing on exercise. I’ve also been supplementing exercise a bit with taking brief walks around the neighborhood. Unfortunately, on Monday, I pushed it too hard and my knees told me in various ways to stop that crap, so I have had to back off on it.  I intend to restart, though, and do it more smartly. Since I’m walking for endurance and not exercise, I need to pay closer attention to the signs my knees are giving me. Also, my hip wants to fuss on occasion. The more I lose weight, though, the happier my joints will be.

 

One Year On The Road

Apr3

That’s right. As of today, I’m one year down the road to a better and healthier way to live.

A year ago, I was faking it until I found some motivation.  I’m truly glad I did.  If you happen to be reading this, trying to find some courage to take that first step, let me echo what you surely know already: one day’s effort is the start of great things. Just get through today. Then, when tomorrow comes, get through tomorrow. Stop worrying about how long it’s going to take or how difficult it’s going to be; all of us can get through one day.

One day turns into a week of success, and then a month, and then suddenly you’re at where I am, today, and looking back at a year’s worth of work.  That year’s worth of getting through each day on its own has improved my life.

Where I was, then:  hip pain, plantar fasciitis, knee pain, water retention, heart palpitations. Size 3X tops. Size 26 jeans that were too tight. I had to wear flat granny shoes, no matter what. I needed a handicap hang tag because my knees had gotten so bad that I avoided places like Walmart or large grocery stores because the amount of walking was extremely painful.  I wore a custom-fitted knee brace to align my right knee and help me walk.  Generally, I felt horrible and cranky.

Today, a year later, 63 pounds down from my starting weight: Hip pain is gone. Plantar fasciitis is gone. Knee pain has gone from a regular 8/10 to 2/10, which is an awesome accomplishment, considering the likelihood that I will have total knee replacement in at least one knee, thanks to level 4 arthritis on all three surfaces of both knees.  The knee brace no longer fits, but I don’t feel like I need it, either.

I regularly wear 2X tops, and most of my pants are size 22. No more water retention or heart palpitations. No more handicap hang tag; I’ve gone from experiencing knee pain even when I’m sitting, to being able to walk parking lots and large stores with no problems.  I’m now taking small walks around my neighborhood twice a day. The granny shoes are history; I get to wear cute shoes, again!  Just nothing that Lady Gaga ever wore.

Am I still the large person in the room?  Often, yes, but I’m close now to being a more common size.  I don’t feel the same level of anxiety over being in crowded rooms or worrying about if I’ll be able to make the walk from a parking space to a meeting location.  I no longer worry about being a burden on my friends.  When I get on a plane at the end of this month, I’m not worried about if they’re going to try to charge me double for a plane ticket.

A lot has changed in a year.  I know I still have a long way to go, but not nearly as far as I did a year ago, and I’m happy to be on the road back to health.

Starting down the road took an act of faith and courage, and there have been times that I’ve been in doubt along the way. I know that will probably happen again, from time to time; I hit stages and road blocks when I have to do mental gut checks and also reassess where I am and whether something needs to change. That’s the nature of the beast: what worked for me in the past may no longer work, but I can change what I’m doing — and I can change how I think.  That’s how I’ve gotten through the last 365 days, and how I will get through the rest of today.

And tomorrow.

And the day after that… and so forth, until I’m at another spot in the road that’s worth assessing where I’ve been.  And when I reach that point, I intend to be proud and happy with the results.  Because, when you get down to it, no matter how you choose to spend one day, it’s the accumulation of them that matters. Where will I be in a year? It’s my choice — and yours — how to best spend just one day and see where it lands you, and go on from there.  In one year, I could have been no different than where I was the previous year.  But I’m glad to have chosen to take an act of faith and shed 63 pounds, as well as regaining strength from exercise.

One day makes a difference.

Week 51: Goal Pants Fit!

Mar30

Finally… the black jeans are an official fit. My weight has been updated to a total loss of 63 pounds.

I’d have to go back through my posts, but I want to say I’ve been working on these goal pants since November. Crap — four months, at least! As I’ve said before, I will never pick that big of a size difference again when choosing goal pants.  Four months was entirely too long. Ideally, I’d like to go two months or so between the clothing I choose.

The shirt? It fits everywhere except the upper arms. They’re tight. Not tight enough to be uncomfortable, since the shirt has a little stretch in it, but tight enough that I don’t think it would look good to someone else.

Now, back to those pants. I admit I’ve gone through quite the head game with these jeans, including today. I think in part it’s because it took so long to call them a fit that I was hesitant to do it. Even this morning, I was putting off saying that they were at a point where they were okay to wear. I think part of it was that they were still a little too tight in the crotch/upper thigh area when I last weighed, which was only three pounds ago, so why would they really fit any better now?

I decided that I’d put them on this afternoon, after I finished exercising, and wear them for a while to see if they’d loosen up, and they did. They’re jeans, after all, and they have a small bit of stretch in them. I went grocery shopping in them, and my mother even gave them her seal of approval; trust me, my mother is opinionated about clothes!

So, I’m sitting at 63 pounds down, now, and these jeans are size 22 — on the small side of 22. I have other jeans and shorts in size 22 that I’ve been comfortably wearing for a while, now.  I’m pretty sure I know what jeans will be next, and they are a size 20 petite.

While we’re on the subject of clothing, I did something cathartic: I took all clothes that are currently too large for me and bagged them up. They’re being donated tomorrow.  It’s an entire leaf size garbage bag full.  It felt really good to say goodbye to size 26 and 3X. Someone who needs them will have them, now, and I do consider that a big deal, because plus-size clothes are expensive.  They’re going to Big Brothers/Big Sisters.

In addition, I bagged up four other bags of clothing that is too small, but I don’t like the clothes. They are leftovers from my last big weight loss, and my strategy is different, now. Then, I was focused on a goal, and refused to buy clothes unless they were second-hand or off the clearance rack, because I considered my interim weights to be temporary and not worth spending much money on.  In retrospect, I was punishing myself.  So, I went through the clothes I’d kept that were too small, and opted to donate the ones that I don’t like.  That was four more garbage bags worth.  Why keep things that I didn’t like, or are woefully out of style?

This time around, while I am keeping spending on clothes at a minimum, I’m viewing things differently. The clothes that I have which are too small are ones which I really liked and are still in style. I’m only buying more clothes if I have necessities (think bras, underwear!), if there’s a problem with having enough of a certain kind of clothes for a season (like shorts in the right size), or I just find a piece of clothing I really like.  Everything I have, now, is something I like. This is part of accepting who I am right now, at this given moment.

I’m not taking my eyes off the goal; but I’m also not punishing myself for not being there, yet.  I want to feel good about myself at every stage, and this plan is working well.