Yeesh! I’m doing a poor job of keeping this blog up to date, and I need to do better with it.

Last Friday, I tried on goal pants and shirt. It had been two weeks since I tried either of them on; the previous week, I felt like I was bloated after being sick all week, so I opted not to try them on.  Also, because of a nice round of sinusitis, I was out of the pool for the majority of two weeks.

So, I didn’t expect great things when I tried on the pants and shirt. Surprise! The pants buttoned and zipped pretty easily.  They’re still a bit tight in the upper thighs; they lack about an inch or so from fitting well in the crotch.  Regardless, there was a noticeable difference in fit.  The same with the shirt; it’s a long sleeve button-down shirt, and there was no button gap at the bra area.  The problem is mostly in upper arms, where it’s still noticeably snug. If it weren’t for that, this shirt would be *just about* wearable.

I’d love to be able to wear at least the jeans on my trip to Vegas, which is in a little more than two months.  They are size 22.  I’ve been wearing another pair of size 22 jeans the last few days; they fit nicely, but must be at the upper size range of fit for size 22.  Regardless, I started dieting when I was in the upper size range of 26, and they were a tight fit.  In fact, it would be pretty awesome if I could get on the plane to Vegas and not have to ask for a seat belt extender. That’s always embarrassing.

On to a related subject: are people noticing my weight loss?  Well, no, not really.  My last weigh-in, which was in November, was 44 pounds down.  I’m probably at least 60 pounds down, now.  Other than a mention at the gym by someone who knows I’m trying to lose, as well as the occasional mention by someone else who also knows I’m trying to lose, no one has said a word.  Not even my husband.

Months ago, I did have some head games going on about when people would notice, because I felt like I could get away with sabotaging myself up to that point.  I’m pretty focused on my efforts at the moment, so at least for now, sabotage (for that reason!) isn’t really a factor.  I’m not going to kid: it would be nice for someone to occasionally notice the effort I’m making.

However, I think one of the major head games I played with myself when I lost 140 pounds years ago was that I lost it fast enough for people to notice, and then for people to barely recognize me.  Because of that, my weight loss was often the topic of conversation.  I became defined by my weight loss as much as I’d previously been defined by my weight.  Friends, when you are seriously the largest person in the room, no one may say anything, but you know it, they know it, and it defines you.  When you lose a big chunk of that, it defines you even more.

I really don’t want to be defined by my weight, although I know that currently, I am.  I really don’t want to be defined by loss, either, so losing it as slowly as I am, without notice, is okay by me.

At the moment, I guess I have three different pieces of clothes that I’m gauging success by.  I tried them all on yesterday; I just didn’t have time to post here.

#1: The Shirt. I’ve been using the shirt since the last time I changed goal pants; it was still tighter than I would prefer, so I’m keeping that as an indicator until I feel like it fits entirely.  And so far, while it’s closer to a fit, and it feels pretty good, it has a touch of lycra in it and still looks like it’s a bit tight, even if it feels comfy.  So, while it’s close, it’s not a goal, yet.

#2 and #3 Pants.  I ended up with two pairs of pants.  One pair is a pair of black jeans, and they are far too tight to use as a good, accurate indicator.  They would also be absolutely humiliating to use as photographic evidence, so I’m not.  But inevitably, those are the pair I’m shooting for, so I am also using the other pair.

The other pair will zip and actually feel pretty comfortable, but like the shirt, they have lycra or spandex in them, so while they might feel comfortable, they actually look like they’re painted on. But, at least they should show a little bit more of an indicator of continued weight loss.

They’re really just an enforcement, because I can tell I’m continuing to slim down by the fit of my other clothing.  This is just a weird circumstance because I don’t have a good “jump” between goal pants; it’s going to be probably twenty (or more) pounds before those black pants are anywhere even close to fitting, let alone zipping up.  Reasonably, I don’t think that will happen until after the beginning of the year, perhaps as far away as February.  So, I want at least something that’s a reinforcement.

Mind you, I’ve reached the point that I’m not horribly concerned about it, because as I already said, I can tell by the fit of the clothes I wear daily.  They continue to become more loose.  But — and this is the mental thing at work — I want that goal in mind as something to gauge and work for.

What the heck, I could have sworn I wrote here on Monday.  Well, I have enough here for two posts, anyway. 😉

The matter at hand: I’m wearing my goal pants. They fit. I may even decide to wear them out today, since I have some errands to run.

It seems appropriate that I’m calling them a fit, because I weighed this morning — usually it’s the other way around, but I have follow-up blood work (thyroid panel) today, and I want to track my weights from doctor’s visits.  They’re supposed to weigh me today. My updated loss total?  MyFitnessPal rounded it off to 44 pounds, but in actuality, it’s 43.5. I’m taking it. That’s 7.5 pounds in six weeks. As a side note — I’m not happy with the fit of the goal shirt, yet, so that’s going to continue onward.  I’m only going to weigh when the goal pants fit.

There’s a few things related to this whole weighing business.  First, I admit I had some expectations of what I’d see on the scale, this morning, because it felt like I’d lost more.  The fit of my clothes has felt noticeably looser just in the last couple of weeks.  So, when I saw that it had only been 7.5 pounds, I immediately felt disappointed.

Only.

That, my friends, is why I don’t weigh very often. My brain gets all tied up on that number, despite what every other indicator is telling me.  That’s just nuts!  I felt bad about it this morning, to the point that my workout dragged a bit, and then I started to realize a few things.

I’m a slow loser. Any loss, whether it’s on the scale or otherwise, is cause for me to be happy.  On top of that, three weekends out of the six weeks since I last weighed have been extended weekends.  Typically, I’m on a 5 day schedule of very low carb, low calories, followed by a 2 day schedule of low to mid level carbs and higher calories. For three weekends, that weekend schedule was extended to three, and in one case, four days.  That would most certainly have effected my ability to lose, but I lost, anyway.  So yeah, I’ll be happy with those 7.5 pounds, and I need to get it out of my mind that my rate of loss will be in any way predictable.

I think probably all of us do that; it’s the mental argument that goes something like: if I weigh 290 now, and I lose at a loss of 10 pounds a month, then by next July, I’ll weigh…  If only that worked!  It doesn’t.  Sometimes that loss may quicken, and sometimes it may slow, and for no apparent reason.  This all goes back to accepting myself as I am, right this minute, today, and kick out those not good enough self-judgments.

The good news about actually knowing the number, today, is that 44 pounds is more than 40 pounds.  While I’m working my brain around not dwelling on the scale, I also admit that 40 has long been a mental barrier; it seems to be the number that people start noticing my losses, and that if I stop before that number, I don’t have to commit publicly to working on my weight and health.  I can’t tell you how many times the diet brakes have been slammed on, over the years, just before that 40 pound loss was a reality.  From that standpoint, I’m glad to have jumped over that number and landed firmly on the other side.

Also, people have started noticing my loss.  There have been a few comments here and there.  The good thing about being deeply entrenched in my methods by the time people notice is that I can just about expect some well-meaning soul (or five) will ask me what I’m doing and then suggest that there are better ways.  Why they do this when I’ve already successfully lost using my chosen method is beyond me.  Obviously, it’s working, or they wouldn’t have noticed the weight loss, right?  While there’s been no one, yet, to question me about my methods, I have enough practice from the eleventy billion previous attempts on telling them that I appreciate their concern, but since my method is working, I’ll continue to use it.

Finally, I’m going into the holidays with a good attitude.  I’m looking forward to coming out the other side and being way ahead of the New Year’s resolutionists.

As I mentioned in my last post, this past weekend was my birthday.  And what a birthday it turned out to be!  I didn’t worry all that much about what I ate or drank, but today, I’m right back on the straight and narrow.  It’s easier to stay the course when I have good feedback, like people recognizing my weight loss.

I’m learning that I’m underestimating myself, too.  My largest pair of jeans is getting loose enough that I’m constantly pulling them up, so I pulled out a belt.  My only belt, in fact.  Even though the signs were showing me that I’ve lost weight, there was part of me that believed that the belt would fit tightly, or pull in the pants so much that they’d feel tight or uncomfortable.

So wrong!  The belt fit, and I could comfortably buckle in the second hole.  I was quite comfortable with the belt, in fact.  I have to stop just assuming that things aren’t going to fit; I need to believe in myself more than I do.  That also applies to the horrible feeling of overindulgence… I didn’t stuff myself this weekend, but yesterday, I felt bloated, probably because my carb intake was higher than I normally allow it to go on weekends. That punishing part of my brain wants to give me the wrong feedback: I suddenly felt like I’d lost a lot of ground, just from a couple days of more relaxed eating.

While I’m a big believer in diligence, I think mental flogging is one of the ways my brain sabotages me.  Am I up in weight?  Well, probably, because of eating more carbs, which bind to water.  I don’t feel bloated today, though, and I’ve been drinking plenty of water to help flush stuff out.  I need to quiet that over-reactive part of my brain that screams sinking ship! Get out while you can! when I have actually planned to be relaxed on eating.  It’s guilt.  It’s shame, I think, because even though I eat normal portions of food, there’s my inner belief that others are judging me and thinking I’m eating too much because I’m fat… it comes down, folks, to not feeling like I deserve it, so just give up.

I’m happy to report that while I could feel those feelings coming on yesterday, I had no doubts in my mind that today, I’d be down at the gym, and I’d be eating right. Having the occasional indulgence isn’t going to kill me.  It feels good to be strong, and not having those mental arguments with myself.

This is the 3rd week for my goal pants and shirt; I didn’t try on the shirt, today, but I did try on the goal pants, and I noticed a difference.  Great!

The funniest thing about this is that I took progress pics when I switched to these goal pants, and the rear view shows a pretty distinct plumber’s crack.  I didn’t really realize how much until I looked at the pics yesterday; they had been sitting in my camera for a few weeks.  This morning, there was a noticeable decrease in crackage. Ha! What a way to gauge weight loss, hmmm?  These goal pants are mid-rise, and the ol’ bubble butt just didn’t want to be fully contained in those first pics. They also fit a bit better in the crotch; it didn’t feel like they went all the way up, before.

I had a great reward at the gym this morning, and when I woke up at 6, I almost decided that I’d go later in the day, but I’m glad I went ahead and went, now.  Not just for the obvious reason that it’s behind me, now, either.  Mind you, when I go to the gym, it’s to get in the pool, so I don’t worry too much about how I look; I just put on a bathing suit and something over it, put a brush through my bed-head hair, and go.  When I enter the gym, I never really think about being seen, because in truth, the way I look first thing in the morning, I really don’t want to be seen.

I have to walk in the front door and then to the back of the gym, where the women’s locker room is.  I was just about to go in the locker room when a young, thin, fit man stopped to talk to me, and said something pretty close to this: “I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I just wanted to tell you that I noticed that you’ve really been working hard these last few months, and that you must have lost a lot of weight, and I can tell you’re walking better, too.” (I mention the “young, fit” part, because I live in a small town, and the gym attracts a lot of older people who will often try to start conversations in any way they can.  It wasn’t the case with this guy.)

You could have knocked me over with a feather.  I was so surprised!  I told him that I did appreciate it, gave him a brief update, thanked him, and went on into the locker room.

My last weigh-in was 36 pounds down, and I figured it would take a good 40-60 pounds down before someone said something, but I really didn’t figure it would be from a total stranger, at a time when I look my worst.  What an awesome way to start the day!

Mind you, I’m not at all driven by whether people notice my weight loss or not, but I do admit to having a trigger that I mentioned several times when I tried to lose weight last year; that mental I could quit now before anyone notices the weight loss frame of mind.  I also have a mental 40 pounds number that is also another you can quit now trigger.  I don’t know if I’m down 40 pounds, yet, and won’t know until my goal jeans fit, but one hurdle has been jumped.  It’s a really nice reinforcement.

All this comes the day before my 50th birthday. Yep, it’s a “big year” birthday for me, and while I usually don’t get hung up on the obvious birthday markers (for some weird reason, 37 was difficult for me, but not 40!), I have often thought about where I wanted to be at 50.  Where I am and where I hoped I’d be aren’t the same, but I am glad that I’m making a successful effort at improving my health.  I’m feeling pretty good, these days, and it has given me more enthusiasm for other parts of my life. This, friends, is a very good thing.

So while 50 might be a landmark year, I’m seeing it as a nice healthy start toward where I’d like to be sometime soon.