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Week 26: Half a year.

Oct3

Half a year.  6 months of working on making myself better through diet and exercise.  26 weeks of improving my lifestyle. That’s pretty awesome.

I try not to think too far down the road, but I will admit that hitting that half-a-year mark gives me thoughts of where I might be in another six months, or even a year down the road.  I’m starting to allow myself to think about participating in events that require a bit more physicality from me, as well as losing more weight.  I do have to reign myself in and remember that this a day-to-day process, and I can’t depend on the next six months producing another 36 pounds off… but I confess it’s still a nice thought to believe it’s possible, and it is.

I’m very glad to have made it this far, and at the moment, I am strong and confident that this effort will continue.  I have good reasons to want to become healthier; incentives to hold in my mind on days when my confidence is flagging. One of the events I’ve been looking forward to is this weekend; it’s an outdoor festival that I attend every year, and it requires a fair amount of walking if you want to fully enjoy the time there.  I can hardly wait!  This is a reward for me.

What will the next six months bring?  It’s up to me.

Week 25: Goal! 36 Pounds Lost!

Sep30

It’s a happy day!  My goal pants fit, and as you can see, my ticker has been updated to note a 36 pound loss.  I started out at 334, so that means I jumped over that 300 mark.  Let me tell you — that put a smile on my face!

Last week, I went to the doctor and weighed there, but decided I’d do a more consistent weighing this week (first thing in the morning, no breakfast or water, minimum of clothes, no leg brace), and discovered what I suspected: my loss was even greater than originally believed.  I may also have dropped a couple pounds this week, so that 9 pound difference is probably a little bit of weight with a whole lot of clothes and a ton of water that I drank before going to the doctor. (For those that don’t know, if you are a “difficult stick” — if they have trouble drawing your blood — being well hydrated helps, and drinking water doesn’t effect tests.)

I actually wore my goal jeans out and about earlier in the week. I wouldn’t go jogging in them, or wear them hiking, but they fit well enough to spend about half the day in.  I’m also thrilled that my previous goal pants are very nice and comfortable, now; even the *^#*%^ slimming panel. 😀  All in all, I’m thrilled because it appears that what I’m doing is working.  I’m also thrilled, because my current loss has exceeded my last effort, and in my mind, that was a hurdle to jump.

I have new goal pants today; and a new addition — a goal top.  The pants are also size 24 jeans, but they’re cut differently, are a different brand, and are pretty tight. I can zip them, but wear them out?  Not currently, but I’m confident that what I’m doing will continue to work.  I decided to go with a top as well, so maybe I’ll have a better idea of when I might be losing above the waist and not below.  Besides, it should be additional reinforcement, right?  I’m hoping to be close to having these two fit in around 6 weeks, which will be shortly before Thanksgiving.

Finally, I’m feeling pretty good right now.  I’ve lost over 10% of my body weight, and my knee doc once told me that losing 15% of my body weight will make a significant difference in how my knees feel.  I can tell that he’s right.  I’m sticking with exercise, with the weekly goal of getting in the pool 5 days a week for 50 minute sessions.  My mother says she can see my weight loss; she’s usually in the pool with me, so she sees me in a bathing suit.  I haven’t had anyone notice on their own, yet, but I feel like that day is close.

It’s a good day to be Lisa. I hope your day is just as good.

Week 25: Tortoises

Sep26

Here I am on Week 25, a bit surprised and thankful to not only have stuck with this plan for nearly half a year, but to also be just one pound shy of the loss I accumulated during my last large weight loss effort.

I’m pretty happy with where I am at this moment.  I’m feeling well, I’m confident, and I’m not a blathering headcase like I have been in the past.  I’m not obsessing over every little thing.  The methods I’m using are sustainable in the long term.  I’m waiting for my blood work results from last Friday’s doctor’s appointment, and I’m anxious to see if or how my doctor changes my thyroid meds; his goal is to help me feel better, and I’m in for some of that!

My most successful weight loss effort resulted in 140 pounds lost — and probably 100 or so of that was in the first year.  At this rate, I might be 50 pounds down at the end of one year.  While I’d love to wake up tomorrow and be in size 8 jeans, I’m really totally okay with this rate of loss.  Like that fabled tortoise eating that hare’s dust, it may take me a long time, but I will cross the finish line.

Week 24: Goal Pants and More

Sep23

Please notice: my weight loss has been updated! I’ve now lost 27 pounds.  I’m happy about that.

However… I’m not quite in the goal pants, yet.  I was weighed at the doctor’s office, and it came in at 307.  Hooray!  And mind you, when I weigh at the gym, it’s first thing in the morning, with a bathing suit and cover-up on, before breakfast.  While I had to fast for the doctor’s office, I did drink a little more than a quart of water before I went in, and I was fully dressed, including my leg brace.  So, there’s probably a few pounds of variance, but regardless, it’s a loss and I’m counting it as a 10 pound loss since the last time I weighed.

My doctor is diving deeper into seeing if he can bring my thyroid numbers more into alignment, so I’ll feel better and perhaps not struggle as much with weight loss.  I’m happy about this.  It may not be the absolute solution, but if we can get closer to where my body is operating in a normal state, I’ll be thrilled.

My pants are definitely looser than last week.  I swear I spent about three cumulative hours peeing this week, so that probably had a bit to do with it!  If I have another couple of good weeks, I’ll be picking out my next goal pants. 😀

Week 24: No More Bench Sitting

Sep19

No more bench sitting for me.  I need to be back in the game, and I feel like I’ve been sitting out and not participating like I should be.  I think this is the reason why I haven’t been seeing the progress I was hoping to see.

Today, I’m back at it.  I’ve already been down to the gym, and my food intake so far has been on target.  My goal this week is to get back to clean eating, as well as a regular exercise schedule of five times a week.

I have a fear of falling off the wagon; of just sliding back into not exercising, since I hadn’t been to the gym in over a week, and of going back to sloppy eating, because frankly, there are areas I could clean up.  I want that part of me that tells me that I might as well jump off the wagon and stay off of it, to STFU.

That part of my brain has been nagging at me, lately, and telling me that I’m fat and undesirable, and I’ll never be good enough.  That I’m still the fattest person in any given room, that I’m still judged for it, that I’m not making progress — so the solution is to just give up, because it’s easier to just let myself go back into a depressive state and tell myself it just doesn’t matter.

I know with every fiber of my being that the solution to still being fat is NOT to allow the behavior that promotes it, but there’s that dumbass part of my brain that insists that the effort isn’t worth it and I should just eat whatever I want, and sleep in.  I’m reminding myself that this is a battle I’m engaged in, and that changing my lifestyle will take the investment of my time and energy for months and years to come.  Those thoughts that sabotage me, that make me feel like I’m not good enough, need to be dispatched.  Yes, I’m recognizing that those thoughts exist; but I think I need to, in order to work against them.

I’m almost half a year into this effort.  I’ve put in a lot of good work.  I’m sticking with it.  Yes, I’m still the fattest person in the room in many situations.  Yes, there are those who judge me for it, or think to themselves “at least I’m not as fat as her!”  The mental boost I derive from knowing I’m doing something positive for my health, regardless of how it may appear to those around me who don’t know, is so much better than the mental state of recognizing that my size is an issue and knowing I’m doing nothing. And as long as I keep at that good work, there will come a time when those situations are no longer a description of me.  I know that’s possible; I’ve done it, before.

It’s time to get off the bench and start the next inning with my head in the game.

Week 22: Sticking With It

Sep7

It’s weeks like this one that make me slap myself and remember to buckle down and not lose ground.

It was Labor Day weekend, and I took a third day at higher carbs and calories.  But honestly, I think I overdid it. When I went back to lower carb yesterday, I was hungry all day long, which is my body’s usual response to having eaten too many carbs recently.

Even though I know it’s not the case, I’ll get through with a stretch of days like that and then beat myself up, and feel like I’ve lost ground.  Like I’m 20 pounds heavier overnight.  That’s not true, but I think that’s where self-sabotage creeps in, and says “you’ve already blown it, now it’s going to be difficult for you to lose”, with that underlying thought that maybe it’s not worth making that kind of effort if I can’t stick to it.  All that mental baggage — because of going over on a weekend.

That’s crazy thinking.  The occasional deviation isn’t going to derail my efforts; it’s when they become regular that they cause a problem.  I went back to very low carb yesterday and stuck it out; and this morning, things are easier.  I have to remember that I make things more difficult for myself if I stray too much on a higher day.  And heck, you’d think I downed a couple dozen Snickers bars plus a gallon of ice cream… no, I had potato salad on Monday.  I had some potato chips over the weekend.  I can have those things on occasion; I just need to watch how much of them I have.

So this is Week 22, and midway through the week, I’ve already convinced myself that I won’t see a loss this week.  Once again, beating myself up.  I might see a loss; I might not, but I have to stop flogging myself. I’m just one month away from sticking with this plan for half a year, and I think that’s a lot to be proud of, and worth working for.  I’ve seen a lot of improvements and changes in the last five months, and I plan on seeing that continue.

Week 20: Goal Pants, and a Brief Look Back

Aug26

My goal pants are consistently getting just a tad closer to fitting each time I put them on.  I really like the feeling that gives me.

Last year, about this time, I bought a lightweight jacket; it was just the tiniest bit snug when it arrived, and I lost a few more pounds after I got it, so by the time I fell off the wagon last year, it fit okay.  Not perfect, but okay.  Then I fell off the wagon and put weight back on, and couldn’t wear it when I needed it.  Yesterday, I tried it on again, and it’s very close to wearable; it’s a little tight in the upper arms, which is where I had the problem last year.  I think, though, that as long as I stay on course, it’s going to fit just fine when the weather cools off.  Here, that’s still a couple of months off.

Also, last year, I was buying things with the intention of fitting into them later, and then I let doubt creep in.  Now, I’m totally okay with things being a little snug, because I know with confidence that it’s just a matter of time before that article of clothing fits.  It may not be tomorrow or next week, but it will fit.

So far, I’ve gone a full month further than last year; but mentally, I think I’m far beyond that point.  I re-read some of my posts in the last few weeks of last year’s effort, and I noticed several things; key among them was allowing myself to be sabotaged, and that I was scale-obsessed.  I was giving reports of gains/losses and why I thought they happened, and that’s where my focus was.  I allowed myself to become frustrated, and I can see, looking back, the signs of impending failure. I blogged through Week 16, but I think I mentally jumped off around Week 12.

I also seemed to be hung up on whether or not other people would notice my loss, and whether I could just stop before they noticed.  Boy, was I ever playing head games with myself!  Granted, it’s nice when people notice, but I’m in the mindset right now that I just don’t care if or when they notice.  I’m not doing this for them, and I don’t need their validation.

It also serves as a reminder to me to be mentally diligent; every time I’ve lost weight, I’ve believed that I’ve done better than the previous time, and yet, if I’d found the answers, I wouldn’t be where I am right now — losing the same pounds I’ve put on numerous times before.  I think I’ve learned something each time, but the one thing I have to really get through my brain is that my brain controls everything: whether I’ll eat something off-plan, whether I’ll get out of bed to exercise, whether I’ll talk myself into a state of mind that makes backsliding easy.

I’m glad I made the decision to keep those old posts in this blog.  They’ve served their purpose.

Week 20: Feeling Good

Aug22

I’ve made it through the mental hurdle of beating the number of weeks I was on plan last year, before I bailed out.  I’ve made it through some mental head games I was playing with myself over recent weeks.  And now, here I am at Week 20.

I’m a slow loser.  I’ve been at this for over four months; I haven’t lost a tremendous amount of weight, and no one has noticed.  I’m not complaining.  I’d love to lose 100 pounds overnight, but that’s not realistic.  And right now, I’m all about being realistic.  Even if you calculate no more than the 17 pounds I have currently listed, that’s still roughly 4 pounds a month, and if I were to continue at that rate, I’d be nearly 50 pounds down in a year.  And I’d be thrilled with that.

In the long run, it’s just plain stupid to give up because of slow loss.  Even if it’s slow, it’s still loss.  Even if it’s slow, I feel a ton better physically than I did when I started.  Even if it’s slow, I’m fitting in smaller clothing, and moving easier.  And maybe the most important part: even if it’s slow, I’m glad to be doing something that’s benefiting my health, instead of feeling bad about myself and beating myself up for being too weak to stick with it.  Been there… for the better part of my adult life.

It’s quite freeing to be able to let go of the burden of failure.  I’m not failing, no matter how slowly things change, and in all honesty, it’s really not that slow.  I think sometimes we get so hung up on what we think should be happening, that we mentally choke and start sabotaging ourselves.  That sense of failure, that sense of making excuses because of this circumstance or that, raises its ugly head.  We become our worst enemy because we allow ourselves to judge our success by indicators that aren’t even the most important ones.

I’m glad, right now, because I’m currently in a place where I am accessing all of the indicators and not just one or two, and I am most definitely one that lets the number on the scale rule out everything else.  In part, I blame a society that stresses weight more than anything else, when the facts are that unless someone tells you their weight, you’d never know for sure.  If we can look at someone else, and see that they’re fit, healthy, strong, look good, fit in their clothes, and think we’d love to be in their exact spot, would knowing what they weigh change anything?  So why does it when we’re accessing our own levels of success?  It’s just one indicator among many, and shouldn’t be the derailer that it often is.

I’m happy with keeping that number away from myself, right now.  It’s working.

Week 19: Goal Pants

Aug19

My goal pants have gone from sausage casing to tight to just being snug.  They’re fitting better, and we know that that means: I’ve lost some more weight.  In fact, they’re at the point where wearing them for a bit would relax them and they’d probably be close to comfy.  Not quite yet, but close.

In fact, at this rate, I may beat my October 7 deadline for them to fit.  Believe me, I wouldn’t complain about that at all!

Week 18: Try-On Pants

Aug12

As you can tell, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve tried on my goal pants.  Honestly, I’ve been hesitant about it because I’ve been fighting a lot of demons since coming home from vacation a couple of weeks ago, and was afraid I’d gained weight instead of losing.  I’ve been concerned that if the pants fit worse, I’d lose what little mojo I have right now.

I sucked it up and tried them on this morning.  They actually fit better!  They’re far from being loose, and I wouldn’t wear them for the day just yet, but they were definitely easier to get on.  Yay!  I really didn’t expect good news, but I know I needed it mentally.  Knowing that I’m still making progress is going to help me push through and get fully back in my good habits.

Unlike my first try-on pants (the capris with the “slimming panel”), these are tighter through the thighs rather than the gut.  So, it’s a changed area of emphasis for reducing.  Not that I’m trying to spot-lose; there really isn’t any such thing.  The body doesn’t lose fat uniformly, but it also doesn’t shed it in just certain places of focus.  It loses it in the reverse of how it was gained, and considering most of my recent weight has been in my butt and thighs, it’s likely that’s where I’ll be losing the most over weeks/months to come.

In other news, I got in two workouts this week, and will get a third one today.  It’s not ideal, but it is an improvement.

On another note, those who live in my geographical region can relate: over the past couple months, the heat has been excessive.  Heat has been nearly record-breaking in duration, and in my area, there was a new high temperature set last week; it was the highest recorded temperature ever, since 1878, and not just for that particular date.

Although most of us have air conditioning, I could still see and sense a difference in people.  Intense heat brings just about everyone down.  You feel lethargic, like just thinking about moving will break you out in a sweat.  It just zaps both physical and mental strength, and no one wants to do anything until the heat breaks.

Now that the temperatures are lower, and more like average August temperatures, I know I feel lots better.  This weather actually feels cool after multiple weeks of 100+ temperatures.  I feel better about moving, and I feel better about myself, too.

Finally, it’s important to me to get back to hard work.  I think around the four month point, I hit a mental failure point where my mind just keeps telling me that I should just say “screw it” and eat what I want, that there are rewards to eating things I like, and that I shouldn’t be concerned with the consequences.  That I should just relax.  That’s a very strong pull.  I have to want my goal more than the instant rewards of eating junk food and sitting on my ass.  I have to keep the thought that what I attain in the long run is much more rewarding than eating a bag of Fritos right now.  The temptation has been strong for the past couple weeks, and I need to work on leaving that behind me.