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Week 18: Time to Dig Deep

Aug8

I can tell I’m not in my zone.  I have some work to do on this brain of mine, and it’s time I buckled down and did it.

I’ve been doing fine with food, to a point.  I could be doing better.  I could be doing better with every part of my program.  So, I guess this week is really about fessing up to knowing I could be doing better, and not making excuses about it, because I have already fought down a ton of excuses.  Regardless, the facts are that I haven’t put in the work that I so desperately need to during these past couple of weeks, and I have no one and nothing to blame for it except myself.  I’m letting laziness and doubt set in.  I cannot move forward unless I buckle down, be vigilant, and mean it.  Thoughts and words aren’t going to get the weight off; if that were the case, I would have been Twiggy long ago.

I realized on Saturday that I hadn’t tried on my try-on pants from Friday, and then I didn’t really care that I hadn’t done it.  I knew that they wouldn’t be any further toward fitting, since I’d just come off over a week’s vacation, but once again, I have to be vigilant.  I have to do those things because they remind me to keep on the course.  I don’t want to be obese forever.  I don’t want to continue to handicap myself by carrying so much extra weight. I don’t like being a burden.

I think, in some ways, having the vacation to work toward helped me out.  I have another event in early October; I need to buckle down and get back to work, so I’ll enjoy that event.  I was happy that I was able to do a fair amount of walking without too much pain while in Florida.  I can do that, again, but it takes getting myself dedicated to the cause. And the cause is a healthier Lisa.

Originally, I had set up a try-on goal of six weeks. I’m changing that right now.  The try-on jeans are tight and certainly not worthy of wearing anywhere.  It’s August; I should be able to reduce my body enough to make them more comfortable by the beginning of October, so that’s my new goal.

Sometimes, talking it out helps.

Week 17: Back Home, and Back to the Grind

Aug2

I was on vacation for a total of nine days, returning this past Sunday.  Yeah, so sue me, I didn’t remember to post yesterday.  Bad me!  I think I was still in mental recovery.  Ever need a vacation to recover from vacation?  That’s how it is around here.

The end of my higher carb eating and laying off exercise was yesterday.  I’m back on strict low carb and calorie counting today, and got myself down to the gym and into the pool for a full water jogging workout.  I’d love to report that both were easy to do, but they weren’t.  I’m having a hungry day, but I’ll survive it.   While I missed exercise, getting through my time this morning was like an endurance contest.  It just seemed like the clock had stopped working.  Still, I made it, and that’s what’s important: getting back to the grind, and finding the groove again.

A good friend of mine and I have talked about how common it is for vacations and holidays to derail weight loss/health efforts.  She’s right on the money.  It’s been very tempting to just look at how I’m feeling at a given moment and think how nice it would be to not have to consider what I’m putting in my mouth or when I’ll be getting down to the gym.

What got me back on the ball, though, is how I feel.  It only took less than two weeks of taking a vacation from discipline for water weight to pile on, which makes my joints hurt and, frankly, makes me feel huge and bloated.  Physical pain made me really not want to go to the gym and exercise; who wants to add more pain to existing pain?  It’s one of those times, though, when you have to get your head in the right place and remember that the symptoms are temporary.  A couple days of dietary discipline will bring back the appetite suppressive effects of eating low carb, and a couple days of exercise, as well as drinking enough water, will help the water weight go away.  (And I admit I was horribly bad about getting enough water in when I was out of town.)

There are times when you have to choose to fake it until you feel better, and admittedly, this is one of those times, but it’s much better to take this path than to decide that life’s just easier when you don’t have to track what you do.  Throwing out accountability is a surefire way to throw out any progress.  What good does that do?   None.  It’s guaranteed to mentally derail you, and then the physical effects of that will soon follow.

I’m glad to be back to the grind.  Also, I’ll be back to trying on my goal jeans this Friday.

Week 14, and Pants Try-On!

Jul16

Flippin’ heck, my mind is getting away from me.  I didn’t post on Monday or Friday, so this post covers both.

Week 14.  Wow.  I’m thrilled to still be in this journey, and I think I’m making good headway.  But… I sincerely need to buckle my brain down.  Not only did I forget to check in on Monday, but I’ve also been dealing with some mental demons this week. And the sad part of it is — I’m doing well!  This blog is here to remind me that I have to remain vigilant, that I have made myself promises that I intend to keep, that I need to remember that the journey toward ideal health and weight loss is as much mental as it is physical.

So, Week 14 found me still fighting the good fight, overall.  I still have done well with exercise; I have yet to miss a planned session, but I’ve also been tempted to just stay in bed a few times instead of getting up and working out.  That’s a bad mistake; not only is the pool more likely to be available in the morning for swimming laps, but I just do better both mentally and physically if I get my workout done first thing.  Waiting until later in the day presents me with too many opportunities to just put it off.  While I believe my body could use a break, I’m going to have a week’s break from formal exercise next week, when we are on vacation.

As for the mental demons, I’ve found myself wishing for foods that aren’t really acceptable.  I haven’t caved in, but I have craved, which is unusual for me, and it’s a sign that I might be trying to derail myself.  I’m letting doubt creep in, as well as allowing myself to want foods and miss foods that aren’t good for me.  For the most part, I keep myself in a mental place where food just isn’t an issue, so allowing that in is a sign that, as I said earlier, I need to watch myself and not allow the slip.  That’s especially true, since we’ll be on vacation by this time next week, and I still haven’t come up with a solid approach for how I’ll handle things food-wise.  I’m going to do some thinking about it this weekend.

Finally, the pants try-on: I nearly forgot, but I did try on the jeans yesterday, Friday, which is my usual day for doing that.  Good news: they are starting to feel less constricting.  Just slightly, but there is a difference.  Terrific!  I needed that little boost.  I need to remember, especially next week when I’m wearing clothes that wouldn’t fit just a few months ago, that I’m making progress and I have much to be proud of.

Pants Try-On: Week 13

Jul8

There are no significant changes in how the try-on pants fit, but I would have been shocked and pleasantly surprised if there was.  I’m only two weeks in on this pair.  Even if I lost two pounds a week, a four pound loss on a 300+ lb. woman is barely over 1% of body weight, and not likely to be visible, unless I lost four pounds in my chin.  😀  And I’d take that, believe me!

Otherwise, things are going good.  I completed another successful workout week, despite not being able to exercise on Monday because the gym was closed for the holiday weekend.  I added time to three of the four sessions, so I made up the lost fifth session.  And I learned that my body just isn’t quite ready, yet, for hour-long workouts, particularly swimming laps.  On Tuesday and Thursday, I swam 50 laps, which is 4000 feet, or over 3/4 of a mile.  And believe me, by lap 50, I was done.  Still, I’m proud that I finished yet another week, and my body needs the weekend rest.

Last week, I started adding in some calories.  I did this because I had let my daily calorie intake drop far too low; my energy levels were declining.  So, I added about 200-300 calories a day back in, and I’ve noticed a difference.  I think I had hit a point of diminishing returns; the possible extra loss of decreasing several hundred calories a day was offset by not having the energy to do anything else.

My body is doing well.  Yes, my knees still ache, but I’m still a big woman.  The candida patches behind my knees are gone, I have more stamina, I’m able to just move easier, get up from the couch and other seated positions easier.

 

Pants Try-On: Week 11

Jun24

I have lots to report today.

First and foremost, I’m considering my try-on capris to be conquered. I can and will wear them out and about, and while the blasted slimming panel is sucking my gut in, the facts are that I was able to button and zip them immediately after taking a shower.  Now, friends, that’s a challenge for any pair of jeans.  😀  I will select my next try-on pants some time later today, once I try them on.  I’m sure you won’t be surprised when I share that they will be a pair that I have worn previously.

I had made myself the deal that I would only weigh when I reached a pants goal.  I’m considering today the day, and as you should be able to see by the ticker in the upper right hand corner of this page, I’m recording a loss of 17 pounds. I’m choosing to accept it, because that’s where I am right now.

The following is yet another reason of why using the try-on pants method and staying OFF the scale works for me.

I got on the scale at the gym, expecting a 25 pound loss.  A fair expectation for 11 weeks of work, and I’ve been a really good girl with food and exercise.  Especially exercise.  So when I saw a net 17 pound loss, instead of being happy, I was disappointed inside.  And then my brain started working.

One thing I don’t believe I shared about my initial weigh-in was that my wounded ego didn’t like the first reading I got on the scale.  It was somewhere in the neighborhood of 345-347; I don’t recall the exact number.  I weighed a second time and got 334.  In my mind, I really wanted it to be the lower number, but in retrospect, I’m not sure that lower number was correct, for a few different reasons.

First, I weighed on a standard scale, like you’d find in a doctor’s office; the kind where you have to push weights over and balance them.  This is down at the gym.  My personal scale doesn’t read above 300.  (Imagine the ego buster it is to weigh on what’s basically a public scale, where anyone passing by can see your weight, if they’re nosy. The horror!)  If you’re familiar with that kind of scale, you know that the biggest bottom weight is the 300 weight notch, which is the furthest one to the right.  It’s possible, though, to push the weight beyond that point, by a fraction of an inch.  But because it’s based on balancing those weights, pushing the weight beyond the notch results in a lower weight.  And I think that’s exactly what I might have done. 😐

I might have saved my ego a blow on that day, only to feel cheated after making a big effort to bring that number down.  Either way, it’s a mindf*ck.

Secondly, a 28-30 pound loss makes more sense, because us big ladies know it takes losing a LOT of weight to go down one size.  I was barely able to get the capris up past my hips; today, they’re buttoned and zipped.  Normally, for my body, that would require more than a 17 pound weight loss.

Now, all this really proves is how quickly I can get hung up on the numbers.  That initial number does not matter. It’s not where I am, today, and the only purpose it serves now would be to fuel my ego by reporting a higher loss.  That number doesn’t mean anything compared to the better fit of my clothing, my ability to move easier, and the number of improvements I’ve had in health and body issues during the past 12 weeks.  In fact, that number pales in comparison. It’s just one more unit of measurement.

So I’m sure you’re asking — if I knew there was the chance of a mindf*ck, why did I weigh?  Well, for one thing, I am tracking calories and exercise, and those things hinge on knowing a BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate).  I’ve been guessing for 11 weeks.  I’ve been guessing right, or I wouldn’t have lost any weight at all, but it’s still better to have some sort of number to base calculations on.  Even those calculations aren’t necessarily correct, because everything is relative to how my body actually processes energy, something I really have no way of knowing except for guesswork.  But it does at least give me some markers to use for steering myself in the weeks and months to come.

And for another, I knew eventually that I would need to deal with it so I can move on.

Regardless of any number, any size change, any other unit of measurement, this much is clear: I am smaller and healthier than I was 12 weeks ago.  That’s indisputable.  In another 12 or so weeks (or however long it takes to get to the next goal pants… and maybe shirt), I’ll be able to say the same: I’m smaller, I’m healthier.  And friends, that’s really truly what it’s all about.

Week 10: Try-On Pants, Episode 92582345235252

Jun17

Well, at least it seems like it’s been that many times that I’ve tried on those capris!

I’m wearing them right now.  I decided to give it a whirl.  They feel fine everywhere except the dreaded and infamous slimming panel.  So, I’m gonna wear them for a few hours and see if the fit changes.  I had planned on doing this before, and just never did it.  I have a pile of clothes to wash and these are clean, which is probably just as good a reason as any.  I can breathe in them, which is definitely good news; I won’t be dying of oxygen deprivation because of this experiment. 😀

My conclusion: I’m losing weight, but not in my stomach.  At least not recently.  I have lost weight in my butt and legs; the capris fit fine there.  I think mentally, that has thrown me off, because even when obese, my waist tends to be out of proportion with my hips; if I get something to fit in my hips, it’s usually too big in the waist.  It’s quite unusual to be the other way around, but not impossible.  Not to mention, nothing says that I’m losing weight in the same places that I have, previously.  That nasty menopause is right around the corner, and my waist just might not drop as much or as quickly as in previous attempts.  Regardless, I’ll live with it.  I have to, don’t I?  It’s just where I happen to be, right now.  It’s not where I’ll be in another month or year.

I also decided to weigh myself this morning.  Never fear… it wasn’t a real weigh-in; my home scales are digital and won’t weigh over 300 pounds.  Anything over 300 produces an error, which is exactly what I got this morning.  That’s why I say it’s not a “real” weigh-in; it was just more or less a test to see if I was under 300, without knowing exactly how much weight I’ve lost.  I would have been pleasantly surprised if that’s what the scale showed.  My last effort was 16 weeks long, and I lost 28 pounds; I’m 10 weeks in, and I would have had to have lost 35 pounds to put me under the 300 mark.  Again, not impossible — but not likely, either.

Now, I have a fear to voice.  I was out running errands just a couple days ago, and had to do more than my usual share of walking and standing around.  By the end of the day, I was in some pain, thanks to arthritis.  Standing in one place bothers me most of all, and there were several occasions where I had to do exactly that.  On the good side, I was able to move around more than I have, previously.  On the bad side, I am heading on vacation in a little more than a month, and the thought of being in pain every day because of being out and active distresses me a bit.  I was hoping I would be further along in weight loss so the burden on my knees wouldn’t be so great.  To add to that, the pain in my left hip appears to be returning.  This is despite being diligent with exercise and strengthening muscles all over my body.

I don’t want to be in pain. I want to enjoy my vacation.  I’m really hoping that some of these issues improve in the next month.  Considering the strides I’ve made in the past 2 1/2 months, I’m sure things will be better by then.

On the frivolous side: I bought myself some blingy flip-flops.  They have a low heel.  I haven’t bought anything with any kind of heel to it in the last couple of years, because of my knees.  I’m only going to wear them for events where a minimum of walking is required.  I admit that I’m a shoe whore, and it just bothers the heck out of me that my weight and my knees have taken me out of wearing cute footwear, so I treated myself.  😀

Pants Try-On — Week 9

Jun10

I admit I’m getting a little bit frustrated with my choice for try-on pants, but it’s my error, and I’ve learned from it.  As I’ve stated before, these are new capri jeans with a slimming panel in them.  They’re the same brand as jeans I have that fit, but I made the assumption that they would fit the same way.  Shame on me for making that assumption.

The problem?  The fit doesn’t seem to be changing from one week to the next.  They feel pretty consistent from one week to the next.  The thing is that I’ve been trying on other clothes that have gone from being tight to fitting, including pants.  The only thing I can think of is that since I’ve never actually worn these capris, I don’t know how they fit me… because I can’t know that until they do.  What I should have done was chosen a pair of pants that I own and previously fit me, so I’d know for sure.

So, while I’m convinced that weight loss continues because I have other measuring indicators (fit of other clothing that I’ve owned for a while), I’m going to continue to use the same pair of capri jeans for try-on, because eventually, I will lose enough weight that they’ll be more appropriate for wear.  Then, I’ll know if they actually fit my body type.  Until then, I’ll keep my focus on working out, eating correctly, getting my sleep, getting my water in.   Then, when they fit appropriately, I’ll choose my next try-on pants from ones I already own that are too small.

Yeah, I’m laughing at myself in a way, because I should have known better than to choose something that’s a new garment, let alone one with a slimming panel (which by definition means that it’s going to hold something in, right?).  I wonder if I subconsciously knew that there was the risk that I’d sabotage my own efforts, because hey, it wouldn’t be the first time.  But I’m gonna keep pushing forward.  I really want this.

As a side note, I moved to 5 workouts a week, 45 minutes a session, and as of this morning, completed yet another perfect workout week.  *Taking a bow*

Week 9 — Feeling Good

Jun6

I can hardly believe it’s Week 9.  I’m feeling pretty good this week.  My most previous weight loss effort fizzled at Week 16; well, probably before that, but Week 16 is the last week I blogged about it.  So, I’m past the halfway point of that effort, and have already been exercising for longer than I did in that effort. I’m quite proud of being in a state of mind that isn’t allowing for excuses to get out of exercising.

It’s time for another recap of how I’m feeling; and in a word, it’s “good”.   Any number of things that were bothering me when I first started this effort have either decreased quite a bit or disappeared entirely.  My knees are feeling better, which is a huge thing; this is probably a combination of weather, exercising, and losing weight.  Matters of personal hygiene are easier.  My ability to get up from a seated position is improving greatly.

All of my clothes are fitting better, including underwear.  I have several pairs of shorts that I’ve been living in, and they are to a point of being absolutely disgraceful; they are huge and shapeless.  I really need to get rid of them, but I don’t have enough comfortable alternatives at the moment.  Shirts that were a little on the snug side are now getting loose.   Bathing suits are fitting differently.

Mentally, I feel pretty strong right now.  I’m in a groove.  Eating healthy isn’t an issue, and getting exercise in is a priority.  I’m drinking enough water and getting enough sleep.  These are the things that really need to be in place in order for me to lose weight.

I seem to have hit on the right number of carbs and calories for me to lose, in combo with exercise, at this point in my journey.   I have done some things differently this time around, and they seem to be helping.  Usually, when I do low carb, I depend on cheese, to the point where I might eat six or more ounces of cheese a day.  I’ve reduced the amount of cheese I eat; usually, at most, I might have two ounces.  Before, I relied heavily on protein and fats; and while that’s still an important part of my diet, I am trying to include vegetables.  I find that when I do that, I can reduce the total number of calories I’m taking in, and I need the veggies, anyway.  I have also cut down on fats like salad dressing and mayo; I use less salad dressing on my salads.  Instead of a (bunless) burger with cheese and mayo, I skip the cheese, and might either replace mayo with salsa, or mix a smaller amount with salsa.  It’s the moisture I’m looking for, anyway, since our home burgers tend to be on the dry side.

As for exercise, I’m sticking with cardio, which currently is swimming laps or water jogging, depending on if I’m sharing space in the pool.  I go for 45 minutes a session.  I’m going to continue with cardio, perhaps until the end of the summer, and then at that point will likely start working on strength training in addition to cardio.  For me, though, cardio is it; not only do I need to get my heart in shape, but at least for now, this is my best bet for burning calories and getting stronger at the same time.

Summary: Week 9, and everything seems to be working.  Hurrah!

Pants Try-on — Week 7

May27

It’s Friday, and you know what that means: time to pull out the capris and see how they’re fitting.  And today?  They fit better than last week.  I can stand up and button them as well as zip them, and they feel a slight bit looser through the crotch and seat area.

Although I don’t have a try-on top, and probably won’t, I am happy to report that I tried on a top I bought at the beginning of the plan, and it fits much better.  I bought two identical tops; one of them, I had to snip the sleeves because they were too tight through the upper biceps so I could wear it.  The other, I didn’t snip because it hasn’t been warm enough to wear it.  I decided to try it on, yesterday, and the sleeves fit much better; the ones I snipped on the other top were so constricting that it felt like I wouldn’t be able to get out of the top unless I snipped the sleeves. I also wore some crops yesterday that were previously a bit too snug for public display.

I’m feeling much better than I was last week (and early this week).  Water weight has dropped significantly.  That makes everything feel better, including my knees.  My attitude is back to being optimistic.

Patience, grasshopper!

May20

Today is my weekly try-on day for my goal pants.  They seem a little more comfortable in the thighs, but not in the stomach area.  They have gut-holders in them (er… “slimming panels”), so that’s probably going to be the last area where they’re comfy.  I admit that it’s really difficult to tell minute differences; and that’s what they are — minute.  Theoretically, if I’m somewhere around 300 pounds (and I am!), and I’m losing a healthy 1-2 pounds a week, that’s less than 1% of my total body weight.

Considering that the 1% (rounding up!) may or may not be in an area that the pants cover, it’s not necessarily the most reliable indicator of loss, especially over a week’s time, so I am cautioning myself to use reason and not start thinking wild thoughts like “OMG, I’M NOT LOSING ANYTHING!” (Before someone adds “why don’t you measure?”, measurement is also only going to show very minute differences at this point, and when you’re measuring predominantly fat areas of your body, it’s difficult to get a good, reliable measurement because… well… fat moves.  It’s mushy.)

They say that you lose weight in the reverse proportions of how you gained it.  It’s not a proportional gain/loss that’s spread all over the body equally.  One week, I may lose everything in my butt; the next, in my torso.  And I have been losing in my torso — I was just over the threshold into 3X territory in most shirts and tops when I started this plan.  I have recently bought new tops and returned a couple of them to go down to 2X, and my previous 2X tops are fitting better than they were.

I have to keep in mind overall fit, even if I’m just judging on one pair of pants.  For instance, I have dozens of pairs of underwear that are all labeled the same size, but some fit more liberally than others.  Weeks ago, I had to watch what pair I put on, or I’d be uncomfortable pretty quickly.  There are still some rogue ones that I stay away from, but I have a much wider selection of undies available for comfy wear, now.  😀

Go ahead and laugh — the car fits better.  The open space between my gut/thighs and the steering wheel is increasing.  It’s easier for me to get in and out; not only because I have more room,  but because my leg muscles are getting stronger from exercise.

I’m feeling thinner, too.  It’s not that occasional “hey, I feel thin today!” feeling that many of us get, which unfortunately rotates with that “dang, I feel fat today!” feeling.  It’s an overall sense of taking up less space than I did before, and being more comfortable in my own skin.  Make no mistake… I’m often still the largest person in the room, and no one knows that more than I do.  But that icky/ponderous/embarrassed to be in public feeling has decreased.

But when it comes to the try-on pants… I admit that I’m impatient.  I want them to be falling off my hips next week, and that’s just not going to happen.  I have to remind myself to be patient, and that the effects of losing weight will be cumulative over time.  I am dedicated to the long haul.  I have to think in terms of fitting into something I like next year or two months from now, not next week.  It may well take another 7-8 weeks for these capris to be perfectly comfortable, but it will happen.

That’s the thing I’ve always found to be perplexing about myself; I can be an infinitely patient person, but in the past, I’ve gotten impatient with weight loss and then given up, which is stupid.  It makes no sense to give up because it’s taking seemingly forever to get to a weight loss goal, when giving up means it’ll never happen at all.  Guess what?  That doesn’t work!  Big surprise!  The food I choose to fuel my body with today is a lot less important than how my body feels in the long run, so making the right choice at this moment will pay off, no matter how long it takes.