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Week 9: Sticking It Out

Aug6

Be happy with me!  I not only lost the 6 pounds of water that I gained, but another 1.5 pounds went with it.  I really didn’t figure I’d show a loss this week, but I’m happy that I did.  I’m happier, still, that the water weight is gone, because for me, it causes joint pain.

20.5 pounds of turkey!

In honor of the loss this week, it’s the return of “things that weigh what I’ve lost”; introducing a 20.5 pound turkey.  On one hand, I’m glad to be able to post a new pic of equivalent weight loss, but on the other hand, it’s become quite a challenge to find a pic of something that isn’t a fish or a baby.  I’m getting tired of the fish photos, and at 48, I don’t even want to think about making comparisons using baby pics.  No!

This last week was all about sticking it out.  Even though all evidence was to the contrary, seeing the number on the scale go up was disheartening.  I knew it was water.  I knew what I had to do to get rid of it; drink more water.  If you don’t already know this, when the body retains water, it’s usually doing so because it’s in a reserve mode.  Drinking more water actually gets your body to release what it’s retaining.

I have been wishy washy about getting enough water.  This week, I made sure I drank at least a gallon daily, and recorded each glass as I drank it, so I could keep up.  (Let me add that I do NOT recommend that everyone go out and drink a gallon of water, daily; that just happens to be what my body needs to release water.)

It’s about diligence and sticking it out when things get a bit tough.  Even 9 weeks in, it would be very easy for me to talk myself out of my successes to this point, including making sure that I do my exercise.  The little voices in my head tell me that I don’t really have to do it today, or it’s not helping me — look at the scale, etc.  I think it’s still in part because I know that 20 pounds isn’t a recognizable loss for me, yet, and that evil voice is reminding me that I can still safely bail without anyone saying “hey! How’s the weight loss going?”  That’s a voice based in failure; one that assumes that I’m not going to be successful, again, so back out now before I humiliate myself.

That is a huge thing when you are morbidly obese.  People hope you will lose weight, and when you fail at it, they see it as a character flaw.  In anyone else, it might not be a big deal, but I still think the majority of people who have had either small weight problems, or none at all, think that the morbidly obese got in that position by secretly cramming their mouths full of Twinkies and doughnuts.  That might be someone’s reality, but it isn’t mine; yet, it’s as if I can feel the judgment of those who either don’t know me, or even those that do.  So, recognizing that voice that says “back out before you fail” means acknowledging those feelings and dealing with them.

I have often been defined by my weight.  If I wasn’t one of the biggest people in the room, then I was that woman that had lost an incredible amount of weight.  When you lose a bunch, it’s easy to let yourself be defined as that person who has lost so much weight; people hear about you, they ask how you did it, you become a mini celebrity in your own right.  (One of my friends recently has lost a great deal of weight, looks terrific, and I bet she knows that I’m talking about!)  But even then, it can be frustrating to make that huge journey toward a healthy weight and still be defined by your weight.

I’ve jumped that 20 pound mental hurdle that I wrote about a few weeks back.  Now, it’s time to keep sticking it out and working toward my next goal, and tell those little deceiving voices to go to hell.

Week 8: Weighing the Evidence

Jul30

Last week, I reported that I had a 3 pound gain.  This week, it’s the same thing; 3 more pounds gained.

I know I’m totally capable of losing this weight; if I wasn’t confident about it, seeing the scale read 6 pounds heavier would send me into a tailspin.  It certainly has, before.  I have to detach myself from seeing the scale as anything more than just another measuring tool; but like many, I’ve been trained by long years to judge myself by that number, and very little else.

Entire (civil) court cases have been decided on a preponderance of the evidence, meaning that the balance of evidence tips past 50% in one direction.  I have to remind myself that the scale is just one piece of evidence; there is much to the contrary, pointing to a problem I’ve had before, and apparently still have: an amazing ability to retain water.

The good evidence includes clothing that either fits better or is baggy.  Aching joints that indicate water weight gain.  The fact that I would have had to eat 21,000 excess calories (over and above what my body would need to maintain at a given level, and I eat less than that, so actually more than 21,000) over a course of two weeks in order to create a legitimate 6 pound gain.

My eating has been on track.  Calories are in the correct range.  I have added exercise in the last two weeks.  The only area that needs improvement is, sadly, water intake.

Logically and physiologically, all evidence points to successfully losing weight, not gaining it.  The only bit of conflicting evidence is that damned scale.  So rather than let it get me down or mentally derail my efforts, I am going to consciously choose to believe the preponderance of the evidence.  I am also not going to overreact by changing what I’m doing; I’m going to stay the course and see what results I have in another couple of weeks.

Recommended Reading: Why The Scale Lies

Week 7 Weigh-In: Speed Bumps

Jul23

I’ll get this over with, quickly: I saw a 3 pound gain this week.  Considering the mental sabotage I dealt with earlier in the week, I did expect either no loss or a slight gain, but not 3 pounds.  It’s another mental thing I’m having to deal with: I can easily become very scale dependent and get hung up on those numbers.  I was hoping that I might break that 20 pound number this week, but that will come in time.

Instead, I’m listening to my body.  I have made some good changes this week, but they haven’t had time to benefit me, yet.  The big one is adding exercise back in; for now, I will be water jogging three times a week. As of this morning, I’ve done two of three sessions for the week, and the last session will be later today.  I also switched what I was eating for breakfast; partly because I was getting bored with what I was eating, and having to cook breakfast was getting on my nerves and making me eat later than I should, but also because I haven’t been getting enough fiber.  That started yesterday.

My body is telling me that I’m currently holding water.  I can feel it in my joints; even my fingers are stiff.  My body can pull up to 15 pounds of water weight at any given time, so carrying 3-5 isn’t major for me.  I didn’t drink water like I should have this past week, so I plan to be more diligent overall this next week.

I am also not going to flog myself by changing my total loss shown.  If for some reason this weight doesn’t come off next week and take a couple extra pounds with it, I’ll reconsider.

Week 6: Weigh-in

Jul16

19 Pounds of Fish

I’ve changed my weekly weigh-in day from Wednesday to Friday.  It just works better for me, and I’m all about whatever works better.  I’m happy to report that after 6 weeks, I’m down a total of 19 pounds.

In my mind, I never feel like I’m really committed until I’ve passed that 20 pound marker.  I always get a little nervous when I’m around that number, as if something’s going to come along and wreck it for me.  At the beginning of the year, I think I got to a 23 pound loss and then drifted away from the effort.  I derailed myself when it didn’t seem that the effort I was making was working.  Of course, that’s nonsense, and I know it; even if the scales don’t move, there are other changes going on that aren’t necessarily visible.

I think, too, that I was frustrated with weighing myself down at the gym, and seeing that 3 at the beginning of my weight.  Anyone who has to deal with passing a century mark in weight knows that total frustration with the numbers; not to mention, how many jokes are there out there that make fun of 300 pound women?  Well, I was one.  I’m not, now.

Still, I’m on the verge of that 20 pound mark again, and I am determined to sail right on by it and into greater numbers.  My second weight-related goal lands at a loss of 28 pounds, and I have 9 to go, which is totally achievable.

Six weeks in, I’m finding that I’m doing quite well with my eating plan, and it’s still effective, although I am cautious to review and make sure that what I’m doing is working.  It’s time, though, to add exercise into the mix, which will start next week.  Overall, it’s been a successful 6 weeks.

While I feel I’m making good strides, I’m still in that no man’s land where only a handful of people know I’m making the effort to lose weight, and that point where someone who isn’t aware of the effort makes the observation.  That moment is both scary and rewarding; while I don’t necessarily live for it, I like when people recognize the effort.  At the same time, that recognition commits me even more to continuing the effort, or be totally embarrassed by giving up.  But then, that’s also the point of this blog.  Public commitment is a big motivator.

Week 5 Weigh-in: Being Honest

Jul7

This is the first weigh-in that has been flat for me; no loss, no gain.  Sooner or later, it was bound to happen, but this time around, I was able to predict the probability that my loss would be compromised by making a food choice on a holiday weekend.

Usually, I will increase carbs on Saturday and Sunday to a moderate amount, and then decrease again on Monday.  Well, Monday came, and I decided to make it a three day instead of a two day.  I knew, at the time, that the down side might be no measurable loss on the scale this week.  I wasn’t in denial; I knew the probable consequences of my actions before deciding to take them.

There was a time, years ago, when I would have scarfed down a forbidden food and then hoped it wouldn’t show up on the scale.  And because it was some dark secret, more crept in, and I would eventually resent my diet plan for denying me things I loved.  Now, that’s not the case; I changed my thinking to realize that there are no forbidden foods.  There’s a big difference, mentally, between “I can’t have that” and “I choose not to have that”.  Denying yourself is punishment, and sooner or later, that can break the most determined person.  Choosing not to have that means you have the power to make that choice, and you understand the consequences of the choice, good or bad.

Gosh, after all that, you’d think I sucked down a cheesecake by myself.  😀  Nah, it was just a matter of having an extra day in the 50-100 carb range instead of 20 or under.  I still recorded what I ate.  I still evaluated it.  I think, where I and others can run into problems, is when I might make the choice to not accurately record something, so the numbers still look right at the end of the day.  How dumb is that, really?  If losing weight were as simple as only recording a set number of calories/carbs/fat/whatever a day, no matter what you eat, then trust me, I would make an accountant’s head spin.  No matter what numbers I come up with, my body works on its own internal calculator, and it’s up to me to figure out how that calculator is working.

Things I could have done better this week: Water intake, and staying true to my eating plan so I can accurately predict changes when necessary.

Week 4 Weigh-In, and Einstein

Jun30

Today was my Week 4 weigh-in, and I’m happy to announce that I lost another 2 pounds, which brings me to a total of 16 pounds down.  Just in case you need a visualization, the lovely striper in the photo weights 16 pounds.

16 pounds of FISH!

I like having visual reminders of how much of me has dissolved into nothingness, so as long as I remember it, I plan on showing the occasional equivalent.

I was sharing with some friends, just this morning, that I have always believed in the Law of Conservation of Energy, which in part holds that energy holds constant over time and cannot be created or destroyed.  Einstein’s Theory of Relativity said that energy equals mass.

So.  I’ve lost 16 pounds.  Where did it go?  I used to maintain that I was overweight enough that I took up the mass that 45 other woman let go of.  It has to go somewhere.  It must have floated through the universe and attached itself to my ass.  Not that I’m totally against the universe bringing me good stuff, but let that fat drift somewhere else and attach its barnacle-like self to someone who needs it.  Please.

Having lost 2 pounds this past week, a number of volunteers stepped forward to profess that they had found my 2 pounds attached to their posteriors.  Friends, mass cannot be created or destroyed; it only changes form, so I cannot be responsible, mathematically, for releasing two pounds from my body and having it turn into ten pounds cumulatively on several other people.  😉

The last week has been a good one; once again, I need to improve on drinking enough fluid each day.  It really does make a difference.  How else do you think fat gets out of your body?  It has to be released somehow, and this is one of the ways it goes out.

On a final note, I have decided to set my goal at 20% of my total goal met, which means I will meet that goal when I lose a total of 28 pounds, or the total weight of 284 (or below).  I’d like to lose a total of 140 pounds, so each 14 pounds will mark another 10% gone.  I expect to meet my next goal on or before Week 10.

How It Feels: June, 2010

Jun23

From time to time, I’m going to record the common problems I have, and what my body is going through.  I’m doing this for a couple of reasons; first and foremost, it’s easy to forget what you went through in the past, after you lose a substantial amount of weight.  You get to feeling good, and the little things that bothered you slip away from memory.  I want to record the problems I have that are weight-loss related, so that as I lose weight, I remember.  When I’m mentally slipping, I want the chance to look back in time and think “oh, yeah, I remember that.  That was horrible.”

There are so many benefits to losing weight, but so often, we dwell on just the weight, and not all the great benefits that come along with it.  Even if you end up in a plateau, all of those benefits are worth fighting for and not giving up.

Many of the problems I initially had before my major weight loss in recent years have crept back in, and some are new or compounded problems.  Please note: this isn’t whining.  This is documentation.  I know all of these things will improve.  I also hope that if you’re reading this because someone you love is obese, you might have a glimpse into a part of their world that perhaps they haven’t shared with you out of embarrassment.

It’s summer and hot out; I have skin patches that are likely yeast related.  I’m currently taking probiotics, because they do help, but losing weight so those areas aren’t constantly moist will help.  The worst spots are the folds behind my knees; the skin there is red and definitely painful to the touch.  I am usually seated, so the backs of my knees are kept in skin folds from fat.  In the past, when I was heavier than I am now, I also had these patches underneath my breasts, but those have not returned.

I have severe arthritis in both knees.  The arthritis hurts more when I am retaining water.  One knee is bone-on-bone and is often sore, but I have already noticed some relief, thanks in part to losing weight.  Although the arthritis will never go away, it will feel better as I continue to lose weight.

I cannot cross my legs when I sit.  My thighs are too big.

I find it disconcerting to have to find a chair in a public place that will either fit my girth or support me.  It’s embarrassing to have to even consider it when out and about.  Last year, I was out to eat with my husband in a diner that had old chairs and formica tables; I sat down in a chair and the whole thing folded under me. 🙁 I was so incredibly embarrassed.  I also find it difficult to sit in bar stools, and I have to swallow my pride and tell wait staff to not seat me in a bar stool.

Whether it’s true or not, I often feel as if I’m the biggest person in the room, and that silent judgments are being made about me.  I know how it is.  Heck, I’ve been on the other end, pitying some poor man or woman who was grossly overweight, and thinking that they should just do something about it.  How sad is that?  Maybe they are doing something about it.  Maybe I’m seeing them 100 or more pounds less than what they were before.  Just because someone is extremely obese does not mean they’re doing nothing, but I know how many people jump to that conclusion.

Although I have started my weight-loss efforts, they aren’t noticeable, yet, and I’ve only told one person outside of immediate family that I am losing weight, again.  I only said something to her because we were talking about healthy weight loss methods as opposed to unhealthy ones; several of our friends have currently been trying fad methods, and a couple of them have decided that they were, in fact, a fad.

I am hesitant to talk about weight loss for several reasons; first, I have had several failures lately, and I fear failure, again.  While a failed diet may not be a big deal for someone who has 20-30 pounds to lose (“Yeah, it didn’t work, I’ll try again later in the summer”), it’s nearly a moral indictment if you’re obese and fail.  I’m not sure why that is.  People, the reason many people are obese is because it’s harder to lose weight and keep it off, not because we’re lazy.  Some are; I won’t deny that.  Some are gluttons; again, I’m not going to deny that, either.  But generally speaking, if it were as easy for me to lose weight and keep it off as it is for an average person, I’d be thin.  For whatever reason, it’s much more of a challenge.  Is it unfair?  Sure, but if it can’t be changed, then you deal with what you’re given.

I hesitate to talk about weight loss, too, because I feel awkward when well-meaning people who have much less of a weight problem than I do want to give me advice or recommend a diet.  I want to succeed at the method I’ve chosen, so when it becomes noticeable to them, I don’t have to listen to “have you tried HCG/acacia/Alli/whatever?”  My weight loss will probably not become noticeable to the point of mentioning it until I’ve lost around 50-60 pounds.  People might think I look different before then, but they will hesitate to mention it.  As a side note, please don’t hesitate to mention it.  I like having hard work acknowledged.

Back to my body… movement is difficult.  I feel very prone to falling; not just because of the weight I’m carrying, which sometimes makes me feel off-balance, but because of arthritis.  I can’t move quickly and decisively; I have to think about movement.

Getting up from a seated position can be awkward and painful.  I snore when I sleep.  Shoes that I wore when I was thinner  no longer fit, because my weight is flattening my arches and increasing the length of my feet.

I have occasional back pain and hip pain, as well as ankles that crackle and knees that pop.  These things will improve with weight loss and with muscle strengthening.

And that’s how I feel right now.

Manageable Bits: Week 3 Weigh-In

Jun23

This morning was my Week 3 weigh-in, and I met my first weight goal.  I had hoped to meet the goal by the end of this month, so meeting it with a week to spare was quite nice.  I’m now down a total of 14 pounds for this weight loss effort.  It’s not enough weight for anyone to truly notice; I think it’ll take another 50 or so for that to happen, but it is enough for me to notice a change in how my clothes are fitting.

Just a quick observation about goals: I believe in short goals.  Realistically, I have 150 pounds to lose, and although I did previously lose 140, I know from that experience that looking at the full number can be quite overwhelming.  When it’s easy to get discouraged, it’s just better to break the overall goal down into bits that seem doable.   Later on, when I have several goals under my belt, and when the rewards of weight loss are more apparent, such as being able to move easier and wear smaller clothes, the path ahead won’t seem like quite as much of an imposing journey.

I really do recommend this method to anyone, regardless of how much weight they have to lose.  If the total amount seems like a lot to you, no matter what anyone else thinks, then breaking it down into smaller chunks can help get your mind in the right place for continuing on.  Walking a marathon to someone who hasn’t been off the couch in the last decade seems insurmountable.  Walking around the yard a few times probably seems like a much easier thing to do, but if you walk around the yard enough, the distance will equal a marathon.  It’s all in how you think about it.

I haven’t decided on my next goal, yet.  This goal was special; when you weigh over 300, it’s difficult to find a standard home scale that will weigh that much.  My digital scales at home wouldn’t report anything other than an error, so I have been weighing at the gym.  This morning, just to see if perhaps I’d gotten under that magic 300 number, I stepped on the scales at home and saw 298.  There will probably be a little variance between switching scales, especially since I weigh unclothed at home (just try doing that in a gym, when the scales are out in the main workout room!), but I am not worrying about it.

Things that went great this week: I did well with my eating.  I did a good job of keeping track of what went into my body.  I also moved more, thanks to getting a new puppy last week; she has to be walked a lot, so I have to get up and go outside for her to take care of her business.  This is good.

Things to improve upon for next week: water intake.  I can do a better job of making sure I’m getting enough.  I also need to start structuring my exercise.

Week 1: A Success!

Jun9

I’ve completed one week, for a total loss of 8.5 pounds.  Granted, a good portion of that is water weight, but even water weight is still weight, and I’m glad to have it off.  I’m also a lot closer to my first goal than I thought I would be; my first goal is to get under 300 pounds, and I had set an initial one month time period in order to do that.  Hallelujah!

I did go through some trials during the first week.  By my own error, I had scheduled  and bought tickets for an event on Thursday night, the second day of being back on plan; the tickets were for a tasting event for a number of restaurants.  I wasn’t able to entirely stay low carb, because there just wasn’t that much selection.  I did, at least, keep my food intake reasonable.  Other than that, my only real challenges were that I was hungry for the first few days, which I expected, and that I needed to be more mindful of drinking water.

I use FitDay to record my meals.  I fixed the water problem by adding water as part of my meal entry, and updating it as I drank.  Yesterday, I made it to 144 ounces, and was sloshing.  I’ve always gone by the rule of drinking half as much of my weight, in ounces.  Right now, I weigh 302.5 (as of this morning), and so my target for drinking water is approximately 150 ounces.

Over the past few days, I have been working on cleaning out the drawers in my bedroom.  I have a dresser and chest of drawers; I’ve done fairly well at keeping the dresser filled with clothes that fit, so it wasn’t much of an effort to go through the drawers, since most of the changes were seasonal.  My chest of drawers, however, was another matter entirely.  Just about everything I pulled out of there was in size 16, 18, and one case, size 14.  I am currently wearing size 26 in most things.

It was only 2-3 years ago that I was wearing these clothes items; and I love them.  I look forward to wearing them, again; I’d forgotten how many of them I really liked, and that I missed wearing. It also reminded me of how fit and how good I felt in that size, even though there are many who would still consider size 16 to be huge.  Not me.  Size 16 was reason to rejoice; I was officially out of plus size clothing.  Now I’m on the upper side of plus size clothing, again. I guess the good news is that this time, as I lose weight, I have every size in between and won’t need to go clothes shopping. 😉

The lowest weight I managed to get to in recent years was 197.5; that was roughly 4 years ago.  I managed to maintain but not lose, and got stuck in the plateau to end all plateaus.  Still, I looked at myself critically, and while most of the time I felt pretty good about how I was doing, there was still a part of me that screamed “not good enough!” when I’d look in the mirror.  How absolutely silly of me.

This time around, I want to love myself more.  I want it to be a much more positive experience.  I want to feel good about myself every step of the way.  I think it’s automatically assumed that the moment you start losing weight, you should start flogging yourself for being a fatty, and for ever letting yourself get to the point where you reached out in desperation for any method that would work.  While I agree that your head must be in the right place to be successful, and sometimes that means bottoming out, I also think that we’re being unfair to ourselves if we look at ourselves in disgust.  We are all wonderful creations in progress.

During the next week, I’ll start adding exercise back in.

By the way, if you’re reading this, and you happen to keep your own weight loss blog (or whatever), I’d be happy to link to it.  Just let me know.

In the beginning…

Jun2

Today, June 2, 2010, is my restart day.

I started off today by dreading my weigh-in.  Naturally.  I knew it wouldn’t be good news.  When I finally got myself down to the gym to weigh, though, I was surprised; the number wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  After all, I haven’t been a very good girl, lately.  I’ll be sharing that number, as well as my other stats, in another post.

In this post, I’m laying out how I’m approaching this journey.

Having already lost 140 pounds once, I learned some valuable information from that experience.  Here are some of the things I learned, and what I will take to heart this time, which I am determined to make my last time.

Acceptance.

I have to accept where I’m at, right now, right at this moment.  My current situation, whether it’s today or a year from now, was a result of my past, but my past keeps happening at every moment, and I am capable of changing.  What I am, today, is not what I am capable of being ten minutes from now, ten months, ten years.  Accepting myself and doing my best to remain objective will do me more good than bitching and carrying on about how fat I am.  That solves nothing, and just makes me feel bad.

Diligence.

Habits are formed by repetition.  I must be diligent about each day, about taking the care to do it right, and in the long run, diligence will show results, whether it’s in feeling better, a loss on the scale, the ability to walk further, the ability to walk away from something unhealthy.  Diligence creates strength, and the stronger I am, the more likely I am to succeed.

Diligence also means planning and record keeping.  For me, that means approaching weight loss as a scientific experiment, and a willingness to see what is working, and what isn’t.  No diet plan will work unless you’re willing to work the plan, and that means evolving as your body adapts.

Discipline.

Hand in hand with diligence, discipline will make me mentally strong.  With discipline, the constant internal fights decrease in volume.  The little voice that says sleep in! You don’t really need to exercise, now, when you can do it later in the day! doesn’t win. The reasoning that says just this once won’t hurt goes away, because with discipline, as with diligence, comes habit.

Honesty.

If I fudge on a serving of something so it appears I’m within my calories or carb count for the day, who am I kidding?  I have still put in more fuel than my body can use for that day.  If and when that happens, I have to be honest with myself, because lying to myself or anyone else does not change what I just put in my mouth, or the exercise intensity I backed off on, or the water I didn’t drink, or the vitamins I didn’t take.

That also includes being honest with myself about the reasons why I’m fat, and not making excuses.  Yes, I have metabolic issues, but they are not insurmountable, and they are not an excuse for having let myself slide. Making excuses is just a way of trying to get around the hard work involved in getting healthy.  Regardless of whatever problems are present in my body, I can either sit around and bitch about them, or do something about them.  I’m choosing to do something about them.

I can choose to better my situation, no matter what that situation is.

Hard Work.

There’s nothing easy about losing as much weight as I need to lose.  There’s no short cut for building the muscle I need to build.  It takes hard work, and most of us want to take the easiest route possible.  Believing that there’s some magic bullet, some pill that will help, some hormonal treatment that will magically just melt off the pounds — well, that’s just so much BS.

Ever notice how most of these miracle supplements come with the recommendation of a diet plan and regular exercise?  My goodness.  That negates the reason for the miracle pill, doesn’t it?  One popular diet has people taking a hormone and eating a 500 calorie a day diet.  500 calories!  My bet is that if you just ate 500 calories a day, that would produce the exact same weight loss with or without the hormone.  And honestly, there’s nothing even remotely healthy about eating 500 calories a day.  Get into enough of a calorie deficit for a long enough amount of time, and your body will act to protect itself and weight loss will come to a screeching halt.

Food As Fuel.

Understanding food’s actual role in fueling the body means being selective about what you choose to put into it.  I will be choosing “whole food” options as much as possible.  There may be times when this isn’t feasible, such as when dining out, but whenever possible, I will choose the whole food option.  This means staying away from “frankenfoods”, or highly processed foods, including foods designated as diet foods.  That also means cutting out diet sodas, artificial sweeteners, and the like.

This is the plan.  My base diet plan is low carb in nature, because my body seems to respond to it best.  I’ll be posting specific goals along with stats at a later time, but for now, this is the first step on the journey.