No doubt many of you have figured I’ve given up on myself, again. I admit that almost happened.

But not quite. No, I’m back on the wagon, and giving it another try.

A week ago, I returned from a 10 night vacation in Mexico, plus a travel day on each side; nearly two weeks gone. I knew it would be a challenge, and I was sorely disappointed when I realized that my weight the last time I went on vacation, in July of last year, was almost exactly the same. I’ve basically spent a year maintaining my weight, and floating within a few pounds of my low but never surpassing it.

I told myself that when I returned from vacation, I’d do something about it; but I also secretly wondered if I’d bother to go back on plan at all afterward, because I’d gotten so discouraged and just had no fight in me. Not to mention, vacations are a challenge for diets, especially if you plan to go off of them for the duration, and nearly two weeks is a long time.

Instead, I found myself ready to try again. I was frustrated many times during those two weeks; my mobility problems meant traveling about mostly by wheelchair, and the many steep inclines and staircases at our resort meant stress on arthritic knees that required a steroid shot for pain before ever leaving home. Coming down sick while on vacation also didn’t help my level of frustration; it’s already a challenge for me to get out and about, but to do it with tonsillitis (of all things to catch in Mexico, it was my *tonsils* that misbehaved!) sapped me even further.

There was the hassle of airline seats, my own discomfort in bathing suits, and the strange attraction this year of having complete strangers tell me their medical woes. (People, I am in a wheelchair because I can’t walk long distances and it’s a compromise I made so I don’t slow down the people I’m with — not because I want to hear about your detailed medical history.)

I found myself facing a number of fears; the possibility of slipping in the tile shower or getting in and out of pools, inability to climb places for fear of falling, and more. Even more, I was frustrated with not being able to do things easily, such as getting into and out of transport vans without a fuss, walking on the sand, moving around freely on a boat ride we took, climbing steps to a beach bar.

The truth underlying it all was that every single one of these things would be easier if I lost more weight.

Many issues: one solution. Get my fat ass back to work on getting rid of my fat ass.

And so here I am, again, ready to dig in and feeling pretty good about my accomplishments this week; I stepped on the scale on Monday to the bad news that I was 23+ pounds above my low, but I’ve lost 8.6 pounds of that so far, and I have new strategies to assist me when that beginning whoosh of water weight wears off.

I am committed to remembering this — and to doing what’s necessary to keep from putting myself in the same situation, again.

I’m still on the roll downhill after holiday weight gain; this morning, I’m a little over 6 pounds away from my low, so I’m slowly getting there. My body always gains faster than it loses. My plan is to be in losing territory, again, within the next few weeks.

If I plan to be successful at that, I need to embrace doing what’s necessary to make it happen. In light of that, I’m undertaking a project that I’ve done, before, but this will be new with weight loss: I’m going to apply The Success Principles to weight loss. If you’re not familiar with the book, it’s “The Success Principles – How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be” by Jack Canfield, the author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. While I’ve never read the Chicken Soup books, The Success Principles resonates with me, and I find that when I spend time thinking about them and applying them, I generally am in more command of my life.

I can’t promise I’ll make it through the whole book… but here we go!

Principle 1: Take 100% responsibility for your life.

This is a huge undertaking, right out of the gate. Taking 100% responsibility doesn’t mean blaming myself; it means that I have to push any excuses out of my head, and truly understand that I am the one responsible for where I am right now. This also means taking responsibility for my weight and state of health.

Yes, there are circumstances that complicate my efforts, but I can’t change those circumstances; I have to accept them as limiting factors, live with them, and understand them in order to get past them and work on the fundamental changes necessary to be successful in weight loss.

Getting rid of excuses is tantamount. Yes, there’s a history of obesity in my family. Yes, I have complicating medical issues, including hypothyroid and insulin resistance. Yes, I have crappy knees that prevent me from doing many forms of exercise.

But these are circumstances; there’s not much I can do to change them, which means I have to accept that they are part of the structure I must deal with, and manipulate, in order to succeed. None of these things mean I can’t lose weight; it just means I need to consider them when developing a plan. In other words, it’s not feasible for someone in my circumstances to go out and run a marathon; while it’s not impossible, it’s unlikely, and I’d be setting myself up for failure. I need to do things that are achievable and move me forward, despite circumstances.

I know of people who have done exactly that; they’ve purposely attempted something unreasonable, likely knowing and expecting to fail at it, so they can say “see? I tried!” I’ve done that in the past. These days, I work a lot on understanding exactly who I am and where I’m at in my abilities, so I can always be moving forward.

There’s only one person responsible for the quality of my life, and therefore, my ability to take command of my health and weight: me. Placing blame for my circumstances on my circumstances ignores what I’ve done to complicate my own path, and there’s been a lot. I’ve always had the power to change this; I’ve made decisions that have led to my weight fluctuations over time, and I have to acknowledge what I’ve done that created this, so I don’t recreate this again.

Canfield talks of the equation “E + R = O”, or “Event + Response = Outcome”.

Gaining weight is a series of events; whether it’s a situation that causes an emotional trigger or a health concern, the response to the event has to be a conscious commitment to make the right choice in response to the event. Bad day? Respond by finding a healthy outlet, rather than scarfing down a bag of Cheetos, for instance. Choosing the right response to an event produces an outcome that moves you closer to your goals, rather than further away. Being successful at weight loss — at anything, really — is a chain reaction of making the right choices.

This is something I struggle with. While I am not an emotional eater in the purest form, I do allow myself more latitude than I should, at times, and this is likely the reason why my weight loss is currently in this recovery stage. I get unreasonably disappointed with my efforts, and then I let myself slip. My own disappointment is the event; letting myself slip is the response; and the outcome is lack of weight loss.

I can’t change that I’m not a 20 year old man that can lose weight by cutting out one soft drink a day. (Ha!) No, the required effort is much greater, and I have to accept that. Every event I’ve experienced is a result of choices I’ve made in the past; the reason weight loss is so difficult for me, now, is because of bad choices I’ve made in the past, and that I can change that by responding differently.

For this next week, my challenge is to be more conscious of my choices instead of just falling into habit. I will be intentional about those choices, instead of just going with the flow. I tend to be lax in my efforts on weekends; it’s time to be careful about what decisions I make that could be hurting my efforts.

No loss this week, but I’m close to a new low — what will it take to cross that 60 pounds down mark before the end of the year?

I know the simple answer: diligence. We are leaving town today, to celebrate Christmas with family before we come home to our own, and that means my normal low on Saturday is out of the question. I’m simply not going to pack a scale to bring with me on a trip!

But I have more that I need to do. Lately, I’ve been learning some hard lessons about my changing body; my brain still thinks it can do things it used to do, but my body chemistry is proving me wrong. Normally, I’m a fast learner, but I’ve been slacking, lately.

Confession: I have become a cheap drunk.

Hopefully, you’re laughing at this. I know I have, despite some degree of embarrassment and a whole lot of good-natured kidding. I suppose, on the good side, I might save some money in the long run, if I can get tipsy on less liquor. Right? Perhaps this is really a cost-saving maneuver, considering New Year’s Eve is just around the corner!

Scientifically speaking, I suspect I know why this has become the case; I’m eating a lot less, I’m very strict during the week — so when I have a drink on the weekend, it metabolizes quicker than it used to. My doctor and I also recently discussed the likelihood that I have become insulin resistant ; as a result, my body doesn’t properly metabolize carbs. This is one of the main reasons I’ve chosen a low carb eating regimen, as it assists with such conditions.

Chemically speaking, the body uses fuel in a certain hierarchy. Most commonly, the body prefers to burn carbs (sugar, starches) first, and then fat. The basic idea behind a low carb diet is to limit carbs enough so that the body switches to burning fat as its primary source of fuel. This, I know — I’m hardly a newcomer to low carb diets.

But there’s one fuel that the body will burn faster, if it’s present: and we know what it is, don’t we? That’s right: alcohol is a form of carbohydrate. So if my body is chugging along, happily burning fat, and then I give it a glass of whiskey, my chemical engine is going to sputter and shift right over into alcohol-burning mode. And, might I add — with gusto.

Without getting too much more into the science behind fat storage, I have been limiting my carb intake on a more drastic level over recent months, and adjusting my daily proportions of fat-protein-carbohydrate. While being a wickedly cheap drunk is a downside to choosing to enjoy alcohol, because the rate at which it affects me is much quicker (and therefore not as easy to control as it once was), it is also a good sign. It’s a sign that my body is doing what I want it to do — that I’m on the right track.

Except, of course, there’s that lesson to learn: there’s obviously more adjusting I need to do, particularly at times when I plan on enjoying a few more carbs at a meal, along with an adult beverage. (Or two.)

Merry Christmas to my friends! I’ll raise a glass in your honor; and I promise to drink it slowly. 😉

Last night, the unexpected happened; I was trying to mentally wind down from tackling a difficult work project, when my husband called — he was stranded on the way home from work. That’s roughly 30 miles away, down a rural state highway with one business in that 30 miles, a smattering of homes, and a whole lot of forest land.

By the time I arrived, he’d already called our towing insurance service for a tow, and was in the process of setting up where it would be towed. I thought to myself, wonderful! Yes, a bad situation, but a quick resolution!

Two and a half hours later… those were not my thoughts.

Lots went wrong. We live in a very small town, in a rural area, with two full service garages; one with towing, one without. We needed a tow to the garage that didn’t have towing service. The insurance company called the other one to arrange a tow… and they refused service. They then called the garage they had chosen (and was the one we wanted, anyway) and got the name of the only other towing service within roughly 30 miles, maybe more.

They finally figured out where we were… just try explaining to someone at a call center in Utah, looking at a map of Arkansas, how on earth to find a vehicle, in amongst logging roads with no markings. (Oddly enough, I kept saying “we can send GPS coordinates”, but for whatever reason, no one wanted them!) We were then relayed to Chicago, and my husband ended up in a conference call with the tow company and the insurer. My husband enacted Good Ol’ Boy GPS; he explained we were past the bridge, a couple miles north of that curve with the new pond and where all the deer like to hang out. Bingo! The tow truck driver knew where we were. I’m pretty sure the insurance rep was talking about that phone call afterward!

After that, my husband left the call so the insurer could take care of payment — and we began the waiting game, watching every vehicle as it came near, thinking perhaps it was a tow truck; we’d been told roughly half an hour’s wait. By this time, it was pitch black; the section of road we were on was heavily forested, starting about fifteen feet from the edge of the road, with barely a shoulder. The disabled vehicle was barely off the road and around a curve, so we couldn’t really leave it; it would have been irresponsible, because someone ran the risk of hitting it, so we stayed put, flashers and lights on.

Time ticked onward. Hubby played games on his phone; I posted to Facebook, and then started beating out rhythms on my steering wheel in time with the hazard flashers. I’d start the engine occasionally and warm us up. I’d tense up on occasion when a big truck didn’t slow down as they passed, feeling the push of air rock our vehicle. Hubby used the redneck bathroom. I don’t come equipped for such things (easily), and wished I hadn’t had that big glass of water before leaving the house.

No tow truck.

The insurer finally called us, again, about fifteen minutes after, to tell us that for some strange reason, the insurer’s credit cards wouldn’t run; the tow truck service credit card machine declined the charges on three different credit cards. The service told the insurer to find someone else (WHO?!), but then, they asked if we’d be willing to accept the charges and be reimbursed. Luckily, our credit card ran on the first try, and finally, the tow truck was on its way, as we watched the flashers on hubby’s vehicle finally flicker their last dimmed flash as the battery died.

We did eventually get the vehicle towed to the right garage, and we arrived home to a late dinner and a warm bathroom. 🙂 We’re still waiting on a verdict for repairs, but I’m holding out hope that they’ll be reasonable.

So how does this relate to weight loss?

It’s about flexibility — and having a plan in place when things go sideways, because you never know when that will happen. Inevitably, on any plan, you’re going to miss a meal, be faced with options that aren’t perfect, deal with stresses, miss a workout, deal with Aunt Gladys insisting that bite of Christmas cookie isn’t going to hurt your diet one bit. These things happen, especially during the holidays, and it’s easy to get frustrated, derailed, and let illogical thinking take over.

You’re more likely to succeed when you think ahead; and when things don’t go quite as planned, accept that this isn’t forever, things will be sorted out, and you will return to the norm. That’s how you keep from turning one of Aunt Gladys’ Christmas cookies into eight of them, with a rum-soaked fruitcake on top of it. Never, ever believe that since you’ve deviated from a plan because of extenuating circumstances, that it’s okay to just go totally overboard for the rest of the day, or go totally off plan for good.

Sitting roadside last night, we could have been impatient, angry, tense, and fearful. Instead, we chose to relax, trust that everything would work out, and accept that we couldn’t change anything — so fretting about it wasn’t worth the effort; we ended up laughing, because when you get down to it, it was funny. You adapt, and you move forward.

It takes mental effort to keep your head in the right place and not let the inevitable curve balls strike you out.

After last week’s happy news of weight loss and breaking though stalls, comes post-Thanksgiving adjustments. I did enjoy my holiday; while I did limit myself somewhat, my body is extremely sensitive to gains, so I’m in the process of getting back to my new low.

Because of my ability to easily gain, my weight is like a seesaw. A few indiscretions immediately result in a few pounds to lose, and while they’re likely mostly water weight, it’s weight, regardless. Water weight is extremely painful to my joints, so I always know if weight I’ve picked up is mostly water — and it’s agony. Luckily, water weight is also the easiest to lose, so I’m not overly concerned about whether I’ll return (and break through) my new low; I know I will.

But I also like to enjoy the holidays. I’m very careful about reminding myself that being on a diet isn’t punishment; I will be working on weight loss for years to come, if I ever hope to completely control it. This also means that I have to have a livable plan, that allows for the occasional treat, with the understanding that I will pay for the treat with increased weight, and that I will immediately return to my established plan.

I’ll be dealing with the same thing on Christmas and New Year’s; I will allow for some leniency in my plan, with the understanding that there’s a price to be paid and a process to follow.

And goals to achieve. That’s the important part. I have goals set, and they keep me focused.

While my short term goal is to get through the upcoming holidays and perhaps even lose a little bit more in the few weeks left of the year, my next big goal is a lofty one. I’m at nearly 60 pounds down, and I have my eyes set on that 100 pound mark.

This is significant for me, because in the summer of 2012, my weight loss efforts culminated in an approximate 70 pound loss before making a trip to Cozumel. Between that time and Labor Day, 2013, I’d regained all of the weight I lost — plus 30 more. (And no, I wasn’t guzzling buckets of fries to get there. Like it or not, it takes very little for me to gain, so I must be on constant watch.) I gained 100 pounds in a little more than a year — and I was thoroughly and totally disgusted with myself for it. It’s taken me nearly the same amount of time, battling to lose that weight, and it doesn’t come off nearly as easily as it goes on.

We’ve set our plans for summer vacation, again; we’ll be returning to Cozumel — and I want to return to the weight I was in 2012. I still have all the cute clothes I bought for that vacation. I’ve been imagining being able to wear them, again, this coming summer; I wasn’t able to wear them in the summers of 2013 and 2014.

Can I achieve it? Yes, but only if I bear down and set my sites on the goal, and remember that goal when my brain wants to convince me that staying with the plan is just too much work. I’ve got six months, and 42 pounds to lose. And I intend to do it.

The best part of this is that I’m feeling stronger; the horrible part about 2012’s vacation was that I had unrealistic goals about what I’d be able to do while on vacation, and I got discouraged enough that I ditched my plan. I felt like I’d put in a ton of work for nothing, which was an absolutely dumb idea. What I’d give, right now, to have started this journey 100 pounds lighter! I wouldn’t have to be regaining lost ground — I’d be that much closer to my eventual goal.

I’ve gone through a vacation since then, and survived it. I’ve had some bad head games that tempted me to quit, and I have been working through them. I’ve proven to myself that if I put in the required mental work, I can get myself back in the right mental place necessary for success. And I’ll get through the rest of this holiday season, too.

58.4 pounds lost; 41.6 to go.

57 Pound Boxer – Not A Toad!

Finally! I’m happy to report that I’ve broken through my plateau. This morning, I am now down 57 pounds. I’m absolutely thrilled to have broken through the plateau I’ve been dealing with; the last time I recorded a new low weight was on August 30. I proved to myself that not only can I work through the temptations to trash my diet, but I can also get back in losing mode. I never totally left my diet — but my head was most definitely working against me.

I’ve done a few things over the last couple of weeks that have helped me regain my focus. One of the big ones was to keep a promise I made to myself when I started this weight loss journey; I had previously taken two progress videos, but kept telling myself I’d do it, again, at 50 pounds down, and I hadn’t done it. Over the course of the months between the first time I passed the 50 pound mark and now, I’ve crossed that line several times — watching my weight go up and down, again. And still, each time I’d pass 50 (again), I didn’t make that video.

Last Friday, I finally made it. It’s the third one I’ve done; the first was when I first started, the second was at 17 pounds down. Each time, I spoke to my future self; the self I knew would inevitably start getting shaky, tempted, and frustrated. I should have taken the time to watch those videos; I might have found my strength, again, earlier. That’s why they’re there, after all.

This time, I got something I didn’t expect at all. I watched all three videos — in order — and I’ll tell you, honestly, that I openly cried through all three.

I have a tendency to be very critical of myself, which is one of the many reasons I avoid cameras, or act like a goof when the camera is on me. I immediately look at how prominent my extra chin is, if my eyes are equally open, if my hair is sticking straight up. There are plenty of times that I’ve told myself that it’s time for a new profile photo for Facebook, and skipped it, because I didn’t like the results. I know I’m not the only person who does this; I nitpick until I just decide I’m not going to use a photo.

The videos are only for me, but I know they are going to be emotional treks, so I tend to shy away from feeling those emotions. Avoidance is also pretty common for those of us that want to put distance between the deep emotions tied to making a big journey like this, and our every day lives, but it’s also necessary. So, deciding in advance that I felt pretty good that day, I opted to take a deep breath and do it. I even made it through most of the video without crying.

What made me cry, afterward, wasn’t what I said in the videos… it was the physical differences I saw, looking at myself, with the biggest surprise being the most recent video. No, my weight loss is not that evident; but the changes in my mental outlook, in how I take care of myself and present myself to the world, have changed greatly. These have been gradual changes over the course of more than a year, and while I might be wearing the same clothes, my outlook on life has improved greatly.

Despite the challenges that I’ve faced in losing this weight, and the fact that I have so far yet to go, I am truly thankful that I’m on this journey. Perhaps it’s appropriate that this comes at Thanksgiving; I am grateful for having made the effort and put the work in. I am happy that I can see such prominent changes; perhaps not so much in my weight, because I’m really still on the brink of being noticeably thinner, but the inner changes, the mental changes, the important and crucial changes that will improve my chances at eventually reaching my goals, are happening.

Thank God.

In a desperate (and hopefully comedic) maneuver to remain relevant… yes… Baby Got Back — on track. 😉

I’m back within striking distance (3.4 pounds) of a new low, and I got there by getting myself fully back on track, and taking control of not only what I put in my body, but what thoughts I allow to take up residence in my brain. I’m feeling stronger as time goes by, and watching the pounds going away (again) and being so much closer to declaring a new low — well, that’s pretty good incentive. We’re also making plans for next summer’s vacation, and while I know I’ll have to deal with limitations for some time yet, my goal is to be more mobile, and yes, weigh less. I like having goals to work for.

I had initially set the goal to break through my plateau by year’s end; while that’s the long end of the range, what I truly hope for is to break it by Thanksgiving.

While I understand and embrace the idea of working through such challenges one day at a time, I also think that having too myopic of a viewpoint can work against me. Getting too caught up in the daily ups and downs of weight loss left me with a feeling of hopelessness, because I hadn’t seen progress in too long of a time; it’s times like that when good intentions and negative inner voices war with each other, and it’s easy to listen to the voice that says “you’re going to be doing this FOREVER, how about a little break once in a while?”

If you don’t have your mind in the right place, the occasional cheat is a slippery slope to a much larger cheat — and then a more intentional cheat. And before you know it, your system has stalled out. The further off-track we go, the more of a challenge it is to get back to where we need to be.

And I’m glad to be getting closer to where I need to be.

Just like any other journey, I find myself taking brief breaks and assessing my surroundings. Although my body doesn’t seem to be in weight loss mode at the moment, I’m holding steady, which is a lesson in itself.

I had a little mini vacation over the weekend; a three day weekend to a wine festival we attend every year. Our daughter flew in and joined us, as did a couple of dear friends. Although the weather wasn’t the best, we had a good time.

This weekend was a lesson in being conscious of what’s happening in the moment, and I find that when I take the time to be fully aware, everything I experience is much richer. I have a brain that’s prone to rushing on to the next thing before finishing what’s in front of me, so relaxing and allowing full awareness isn’t something that comes easily.

I planned to relax my dietary restrictions for the weekend, but instead of just shoveling everything in my mouth that I could, I fully tasted everything. If I’m going to have a planned “cheat” meal (or in this case, weekend), I’m sorely disappointed if my palate isn’t pleased. It’s not junk food I yearn for, although that’s an occasional want. Instead, I want the experience of food to be as pleasing as the environment and the company.

This is also true when I’m observing my plan, but I admit I don’t take as much care, because so many of my meals are habit.

I savored each bite and fully tasted it, instead of just filling a hungry stomach. I chose things I really wanted; not just empty carbs and calories. I find this sort of eating much more satisfying, and when I take my time and enjoy my food, I’m much less likely to just throw caution to the wind and eat whatever happens to be convenient.

Perhaps it’s because I was more tuned into achieving that satisfaction, but I found that I didn’t overeat, and while I expected a small gain, I didn’t gain as much as anticipated.

I was also more careful to remain in the moment throughout most of the trip. I took my time getting around and found that I was able to do most of the things that I enjoy about the wine festival. Poor weather limited some activities; my inability to be fully mobile limited others, but for the most part, I don’t feel cheated in any way. I love the tours, but I’m not at a point, yet, where I can participate; perhaps next year.

Being able to relax and not worry about my surroundings, limitations, or perceptions was quite refreshing. I waste far too much time feeling embarrassed or wanting to make excuses to having gained back weight. I’m sure people do wonder, and perhaps wait until I’m out of earshot to make comments; we ran into a family we’d last seen perhaps seven or eight years ago, and I’ve gained a substantial amount of weight in that time. At first, I thought about not saying anything at all to them, but then I got over myself — and had a nice time chatting with them.

This is part of the process; I need to be more comfortable with myself, my size, my limitations — no matter what size I am, no matter what my limitations are, because every single one of us has boundaries we must live within, and those boundaries are different for everyone. There are many things I am totally capable of doing, which others cannot; it’s often easy to forget that there are things that are fully within my boundaries that are outside of the range for others. We tend to look at what we lack, rather than what we possess.

Perhaps these pit stops are there for a reason, and there are lessons to learn.

NSV (non-scale victory): I am finally to the point where I seriously need to consider giving up the jeans I bought when I first started losing weight over a year ago. When I bought them, they fit, but they could fit better; I always felt like I needed to pull them up because invariably, the back of my shirt would creep up and people would see far too much of my lower back (and upper butt bubble!).

Thanks to the miracle of lycra, plus-size clothing can fit for a wider range of weights, and I was pretty much at the top of the range when I bought two identical pair of jeans. Now, I’m finally at the low point of the range; this past weekend, I had to keep pulling them up because they sagged, and when I did pull them up completely, they sat above my waist! They’ve been my comfy jeans for a while, now, and it’s time to move on to something that fits me better.