I’m back after two Fridays off from writing this blog. And the best news is… I’m back!

I was in Cozumel, Mexico for a wonderful week of fun in the sun and no worries about what I ate or drank. Consequently, I returned to a 17.8 pound gain. I was absolutely prepared for seeing a much higher number on the scale, though, so when I stepped on the scale, I wasn’t totally shocked by the gain. I knew I was carrying a lot of water weight; I always do when I travel. I’ve since dropped nearly ten pounds of that gain. It’ll take me a few weeks to re-lose any real weight gain; and by “real”, I mean “not water weight”.

Now, for me, this is victory. A big one!

Why? Because I’m here. I’m back, writing this blog. I got back on the wagon after vacation.

The last time I went on a big vacation was 2012. This blog site includes over a year’s worth of entries before that vacation; I stopped posting in late June, roughly a month before I went to Mexico. I was getting discouraged because my weight had plateaued and I was playing plenty of head games with myself. Mind you, it’s important to keep a positive attitude when you’re trying to lose weight, but it’s also important to be realistic, and I don’t believe I was, back then. I’d lost 63 pounds (all this time, I thought it was 70, but I found the numbers), and I’d been exercising a bit — mostly working out in the pool at the gym.

I did not have reasonable expectations of my own abilities; I thought I would have no problems at all while on vacation, but once I arrived, I discovered that I did still have limitations. I was embarrassed by them. I felt as if I was holding my friends and husband back from having a good time. I also had a few instances in which I felt absolutely mortified and humiliated, targeted because of my weight. And when I saw the photos of myself, I felt horribly fat. I became so frustrated with the differences between what I thought was reality and what was actually real, and just surrendered.

I gave up. I never returned to my weight loss efforts. And in the months following that surrender, I gained back everything I lost — plus even more weight. While I’ve lost 52 pounds, I am not to the low I was before going on vacation two years ago; in fact, I’m still substantially above it.

And yet, I consider this most recent vacation a much bigger success, despite weighing more and being able to do less.

This time, I had reasonable expectations — and I exceeded them.

I accepted that I wouldn’t be able to get around easily, and I came up with a plan to increase my mobility. We bought a collapsible wheelchair that traveled with us, and we used it quite a bit; although I wasn’t crazy about using a wheelchair (it’s a bit embarrassing, to tell the truth; I felt as if it were a crutch I shouldn’t be using, at times), it meant that we could get out and do the things we wanted to do, and we did.

I knew that it would be very difficult to control my food intake; it’s a foreign country with unfamiliar foods, so I planned to take the week off of watching my carb and calorie intake, and promised myself that when we returned home, I would return to my weight loss efforts. I knew I would have weight gain, but dedicated myself to dropping whatever I gained during the week. When this past Monday came, I fell back into my dietary routine — and my body is happier, now.

I know I am a very large woman — so when the photos were taken, even though there’s a part of me that really hates how I look right now, I accepted that those photos are me at a specific point in my efforts.

I often stumble in new social situations, because I feel inadequate; as if people won’t like me because I’m a fat woman. I promised myself that I wouldn’t draw back from meeting new people, and I’m happy that I allowed myself to do that; I met some wonderful folks, and it made vacation even better to share some memories with new friends.

This was one of the best vacations I’ve ever had, despite seeing much of it from a wheelchair, despite still dealing with many limitations.

The best part? I am proud of not letting myself wallow in self-pity over the things I can’t do, yet. This time, I am not a quitter, and believe me, that really is the best part of this experience.

The best news is — truly — I’m back. I’m keeping my promises to myself, and I’m moving forward.

No new low this week; but I’m close enough to predict that I just might break through to a new low next week.

I have some nice non scale victories this week. A few days ago, I decided to go “shopping” in my clothing storage area, otherwise known as our third bedroom. I have a lot of clothes in a lot of different sizes in there; even after going through everything and getting rid of clothes I just really absolutely do not love, there’s still a lot. But then, it takes a lot of sizes to span 140 pounds.

I found last summer’s summer clothes, and pretty much doubled my wearable wardrobe. The really nice part of this is that the clothes fit better than they did last summer, because I weigh less. I began my weight loss efforts after Labor Day, so while I don’t absolutely know what my weight was at any given point, I’m pretty sure I weigh less now — especially if these clothes are any indicator.

That’s nice to know, especially since I’m leaving on vacation in just a few weeks; I’ll have plenty of options to choose from. I’m really not that much of a clotheshorse, but that third bedroom claims otherwise.

Some of the clothes are even a tad baggy. This is a nice reinforcement of the weight I’ve lost so far, since I’ve been wearing many of the same clothes for the past 46 pounds; when you’re a big size, the amount of weight you must lose to change sizes is a lot more than it is between smaller sizes. Putting on clothes I haven’t worn since fall of last year absolutely shows a difference that was easy to overlook otherwise.

I’ve also been putting away some cooler weather clothes, and wondering if they’ll even be useful to me when cooler weather returns, which is months away. They probably will be, but I’ll get to experience that seasonal shift, again, and realize that they’ve become baggy. I’m looking forward that.

I know this isn’t an earth shattering blog post; not deep, not some huge discovery about myself — but it’s also about celebrating successes, and this is certainly one of them.

I’m down a little more this week, bringing my total to 37.8 pounds lost. I’ll claim the full 38 pounds when it’s actually the full 38 pounds. Still — I’m happy to be down just a little bit further. I’m sure I’ll have a pic of another overweight animal, or a toddler, next week. 😉

I’m at a point in my weight loss that has, in the past, been a test to my commitment. I’ve lost a nice amount of weight successfully, but it’s not noticeable enough for people to remark on it.

Now, this certainly isn’t unique to me. I think everyone who is in the process of losing weight experiences this. It’s when you’re teetering on that point of looking different enough that people overcome their own doubts enough to ask if you’re losing weight. It’s very possible that it requires a larger percentage of weight loss for the obese, because I’m well aware most people are very hesitant to say something to an obese person — and be wrong. It can be as much of a social faux pas as asking a woman if she’s pregnant; if she is, she’ll be glad you asked. If not… you’ve probably hurt her feelings and made her wonder why you asked.

Up until the point when people notice a person’s weight loss efforts on their own, that person is engaged in a private effort. If I were not so public about my weight loss, those I see often would likely not mention anything to me. Believe me, many an obese person who commits to weight loss is hesitant to share publicly that they’re working on weight loss, for fear of judgment… and one other thing.

Fear of failure.

You see, as long as you keep your weight loss efforts private, and no one has acknowledged that loss yet, you’re in the unique position of being able to turn back before people know. Maybe they suspect, but as long as they don’t say anything, you can remain in a mindset where you can safely fail without feeling public pressure over it. It means you can choose to fail privately — for whatever reasons you might choose that.

That moment of public acknowledgment is a turning point that makes it five times more difficult to go backwards. Mind you, it feels good to have your efforts recognized; but it brings with it pressure to succeed, and unfortunately, a vast number of opinions from others on how to do exactly that, even if you’ve obviously had a certain amount of success with your own methods.

Something vastly personal may become a topic of conversation every time you see someone. It’s an accountability that didn’t exist when no one knew you were trying to lose weight. But it’s also pressure, and in some ways, it’s acknowledgment that you somehow weren’t good enough, before. So many see obesity as a character flaw, that publicly committing to weight loss is like admitting you’ve been a selfish slob… which is usually far from the truth. Where a moderately overweight person also has fears of that public commitment, an obese person has the double whammy of excess weight somehow being an indicator of poor character.

This is exactly why I chose to commit publicly from the first pound lost. Believe me, it’s scary as hell, facing this particular albatross, but I’ve gotten to that public commitment phase before, and allowed myself to fail privately so that I wouldn’t be doing it publicly.

While every individual’s weight loss journey is unique, looking at methods to insure your success in the long run, and figuring out creative ways to deal with the stresses that have prevented success previously, must be part of an overall weight loss plan.

A calorie is a calorie is a calorie. If you take in less calories than your body expends, you lose weight. Simple!

How many times have you heard or read similar statements? How many times have well-meaning friends, family, or acquaintances said these words to you? I know I’ve heard them many times in my life — and years ago, I actually believed them.

For those of us who have made numerous efforts at weight loss over the course of our lives, the answer isn’t quite so easy. For a normal person of young adult age who has no health or genetic predispositions, the statement might be true. But for many of us, there are complicated factors that effect our ability to lose weight.

Yes, a calorie is a scientific unit of measure, but that doesn’t mean we all burn that fuel the same way, much like vehicles don’t burn fuel at the same rate. Take that average young adult and add in health and/or genetic issues, and that person’s ability to burn energy changes. I think we all know this; we’ve all heard the talk of complicating factors, such as PCOS, thyroid disease, and many more. Two women of the same age, height, and weight may very well expend completely different amounts of energy (and therefore, fuel — calories) to perform identical tasks.

Let me add another: some studies are now showing that once you lose weight, your body changes; it becomes more efficient and burns less calories to do the same tasks. Because it runs more efficiently, it requires less fuel. Give it too much fuel, and that fuel is stored… as fat. Conversely, in order to lose fat, greater effort or restriction (or both) is required in order to lose that fat. If either of the women in our example has dieted before, the chances of them having greater difficulty losing weight increase.

From the New York Times comes mention of a Columbia University study that reveals interesting insight to the changes dieters go through.

 Eventually, the Columbia subjects are placed on liquid diets of 800 calories a day until they lose 10 percent of their body weight. Once they reach the goal, they are subjected to another round of intensive testing as they try to maintain the new weight. The data generated by these experiments suggest that once a person loses about 10 percent of body weight, he or she is metabolically different than a similar-size person who is naturally the same weight.

The research shows that the changes that occur after weight loss translate to a huge caloric disadvantage of about 250 to 400 calories. For instance, one woman who entered the Columbia studies at 230 pounds was eating about 3,000 calories to maintain that weight. Once she dropped to 190 pounds, losing 17 percent of her body weight, metabolic studies determined that she needed about 2,300 daily calories to maintain the new lower weight. That may sound like plenty, but the typical 30-year-old 190-pound woman can consume about 2,600 calories to maintain her weight — 300 more calories than the woman who dieted to get there.

Scientists are still learning why a weight-reduced body behaves so differently from a similar-size body that has not dieted. Muscle biopsies taken before, during and after weight loss show that once a person drops weight, their muscle fibers undergo a transformation, making them more like highly efficient “slow twitch” muscle fibers. A result is that after losing weight, your muscles burn 20 to 25 percent fewer calories during everyday activity and moderate aerobic exercise than those of a person who is naturally at the same weight. That means a dieter who thinks she is burning 200 calories during a brisk half-hour walk is probably using closer to 150 to 160 calories.

Read the entire article: The Fat Trap

You can call this a metabolic slowdown of sorts, but the important takeaway from this is that if you have dieted before, you have to plan for subsequent attempts to be more difficult, because you must eat less and exercise more to produce the same result.

The great technological tools we have at our disposal may actually make this more difficult, because these sorts of factors aren’t accounted for. If you strap on a heart rate monitor for exercise, it will create a number of (suggested) calories burned based on the data you entered. Age + weight + height + heart rate should equal a certain range of burned calories. The same holds true for entering in information to a diet-tracking website or software: it works on calculations based on a norm, dependent on the information you enter.

Without getting too technical about these calculations, those of us with such issues need to consider that if we don’t lose weight based on the suggested calculations, it’s likely because they’re too high and need to be adjusted downward until we can successfully lose weight or see our desired results.

An example: I just now searched for an online calculator that would tell me how many calories I need to maintain my current weight. The result? 4,623 calories daily. Another said 3,467 calories, and the lowest reported 2200 calories.

I can assure you that if I ate at any of those suggested levels, even the lowest, I would gain weight — and probably a lot of it. At my current weight, I generally eat under 1400 calories a day. (I also chiefly eat low carb, but that’s another subject that I’m not touching on today.)

Every metabolic issue you have is a strike against you, and is going to shave calories off that number required to maintain where you are, right now, dietary methods aside.

I don’t say this to upset anyone; instead, I hope what it does is open your eyes to understanding that if you want results, you have to be willing to experiment with how your body handles fuel (food). Don’t rely on calculations, whether they’re for calories burned in exercise or daily caloric limitations. Be willing to chart your numbers and take some general notes on what happens when you eat at certain levels; experiment. Do not accept the numbers you’re given by computer-generated results; they are only a guideline. Our bodies are individual, and the computer-generated numbers are created for a norm which may not apply to us. Still, you can use these numbers as an indicator of what works and what doesn’t.

The above article is an interesting one, in that it speculates on many causes as to why repeat dieters cannot successfully keep weight off, if they’re able to successfully lose it in the first place. In some ways, it’s a depressing read, but in my opinion, knowing what you’re up against helps you understand the process. To really be successful at weight loss, you have to be willing to completely embrace your body’s method of working, but more importantly, you must change how you think. If you don’t do the research, you’re more likely to throw your hands up in frustration and give up.

If you know the challenges you face beforehand and can accept them, you’re much less likely to reach a level of frustration. You can quiet that inner voice that tells you to just give up. You stand a chance of success.

Jimmy, the 35 lb. beagle

Speaking of success, I’m happy to report a change in my stats; I’m now 35 pounds down. I passed two small milestones in those three pounds, as well.

The firsts was passing by 338. Back in 2003, I saw 338 on the scale when I first start a low carb diet. I’d dieted for several weeks, but didn’t know my weight because the scale I had was incapable of reading my actual weight. The first number I saw was 338. The journey that started with 338 ended at 197.5 — a loss of 140.5 pounds.

The second milestone, 337, was the weight I was at when I started a weight loss effort before my current one. During that journey, I lost 70 pounds.

While these might come across as depressing, since I started this effort at my highest recorded weight ever, I look at it as encouragement; I was able to lose great amounts of weight both times. I am smarter, now. I am determined to beat both losses… possibly combined. I’m now in territory I’ve been in, before.

I’m in a good place, right now, and looking forward to the next weight milestone, which is just two pounds away.

Self-acceptance may be one of the biggest issues women deal with, even if they are not overweight. Being overweight — even slightly — seems to amplify this. As women, we really do need to find ways to be kinder to ourselves.

Unfortunately, I think social media has made this even worse.

Just this morning, I watched a great video on a young man who decided to lose 130 pounds and surprise his parents. (You can see the video on YouTube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0b4Gve_PaK4) The clip aired originally on NBC, and it’s a great story; see it here: http://www.today.com/health/son-surprises-parents-130-pound-weight-loss-2D11876422.

I don’t care how you go about losing 130 pounds — it’s a battle, and this young man did it through diet and exercise alone. I found the video of his parents seeing him for the first time, not knowing about his weight loss, extremely touching; I think most of us that have had weight issues would not only understand the excitement, but would want to commend him for his hard work.

Enter the trolls in the YouTube comment section, though, who made nasty remarks about his mother’s weight, and about him, as well. Sure, it’s easy enough to do on the internet; if you’re reading this blog, chances are you’ve seen innumerable instances of people being cruel, with no accountability. Simply put, the anonymity of the internet allows people to act like jerks, with few or no consequences, and often, plenty of reinforcement from other jerks. The YouTube video comments are actually quite mild, compared to other instances I’ve seen of fat shaming.

Most of us have seen some version of body shaming in person, as well. Someone is too short, too tall, too pretty, too ugly, too blond, too something. It’s as if we have to quantify other people in some hopes of finding fault — maybe to make ourselves feel better. The thing is, everyone who has been a victim of body shaming knows it’s wrong. Fat shaming often seems to carry with it judgments based solely on appearance. Because, you know, those who fat shame have the special ability to determine a person’s overall health, eating habits, choices, activity level, and family history, just by looking at someone. Let’s just fire all the doctors and hire these folks!

I’ve been a victim of fat shaming. Sometimes, it’s blatant; sometimes it’s subtle and comes from people close to me, including family members. For the most part, I ignore it; when it comes from strangers, I don’t value their opinions of me enough to care. It stings more when it comes from friends or family members, but I usually chalk it up to them not being aware that their comments hurt. Regardless, it doesn’t drag me down when someone says or does something that targets my obesity, but it took decades of desensitizing myself to it to reach that point. Sometimes, if I’m feeling fragile, it still bothers me.

I’m fat. I know I’m fat, and having someone reinforce that isn’t exactly big news. (BIG NEWS! Get it? *insert eye roll here*) Attempting to shame me to make you feel better just illustrates that you have issues that likely make you an unhappy person.

Regardless, this blog entry is more about fat shaming ourselves. When we devalue ourselves because we compare ourselves to an unattainable standard, that’s when the real damage occurs. It evolves into our self-talk. It becomes evident when someone gives us a compliment, and we’re automatically suspicious of the person’s sincerity. We make excuses for not already being the person we think people believe we should be. A friend of mine often will address this issue by saying “don’t talk about my friend this way!” She’s right; if we wouldn’t talk about someone else that way, why do we talk about ourselves that way?

We are apologetic and make fat jokes about ourselves, as if buffering ourselves against rejection before it even happens. We take ourselves out of situations that might be embarrassing, even if it’s something we truly wanted to do. We judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else. We tell ourselves on a daily basis that we’re somehow not good enough.

I do this — a lot. I recently had the opportunity to see friends that I hadn’t seen face to face in decades. These are people who I “see” on Facebook, and I often have current photos of myself posted, so why on earth did I feel the need to make apologetic comments about my own weight before seeing them? I doubt it made any difference at all to them.

It’s quite the conflict, reminding yourself to love and accept yourself as you are, today, when you’re also essentially trying to change who you are — whether it’s through weight loss, just getting healthier, or changing an old habit. Perhaps it’s because in my mind, “change” means a rejection of the state before the change. It means that something wasn’t good enough about the situation, and therefore, change was required.

I freely admit that I need a lot of work in this regard. That’s where most of my inner voice gets its critical tone: you must change because you are a failure.

I have to reject that thinking, and change it to you choose to change because you are heading toward something better. Perhaps it means the same thing at its core, but it comes from a place of choice rather than shame. Body shaming, regardless of whether it comes from ourselves or someone else, serves no purpose other than to degrade.

Good news: my last loss update was 31.8 pounds, and I’m pleased to say that this morning, I’ve now lost 32.2 pounds. While that’s not enough to change my public stats, believe me, I am thrilled to finally see a loss after the holidays.

This also puts me even with my previous recorded high weight. I phrase it that way, because I’d actually dieted for a couple weeks before I lost enough weight for the scales I had then to register, and that number was 338. I’m at 338.8 this morning. While it might be a dubious accomplishment to meet my previous high weight, I also see this as a nice mini milestone; I lost from 338 to 197.5, for a total of 140.5 pounds lost. It’s encouraging to me to remember that I did that, once. I’m smarter, now — and I intend to surpass that mark.

I have a couple other small milestones that happen in the next few pounds of loss, and I’m looking forward to scooting right on by them, as well. Maybe next week!