Archives

Shake It Off

Apr15

 

I’m 118.2 pounds down now!  I’m a mere 4 pounds away from my next goal, which will mark losing one third of my starting total body weight. I’m pretty amazed!

Moments of clarity arrive without notice. I’ve learned to savor them when I can — they are a rare treat.

I had such a moment just the other day. I was standing on my back patio. Dinner was on the grill behind me, and I had some time to kill while it cooked. I’d also recently planted some flowers and plants in pots, and had just walked out to check them.

It struck me, as I looked up at the treetops and breathed in the spring air, that I feel pretty good, these days. I feel small. And I feel — dare I say it? — normal. And strong.

118 pounds of Taylor Swift — completely shaken off. (Shaken. Not stirred.)

Now, let me explain a bit. I don’t mean small in size. I am a short woman; all of five-foot-two. Despite my weight loss, I’m still awfully big for a short woman. But these days, I don’t feel like I occupy the same space. I feel more in proportion, I suppose. Even when I drive, I’ve had to shift the rearview mirror, because I no longer sit as high in the seat; my butt doesn’t raise me up like a built-in booster seat. 😀

I feel more compact and strong, as if my body is working like it’s supposed to, instead of spreading me everywhere. Perhaps this is a phenomenon that happens with those of us who are morbidly obese, and not others, but when I’ve been at my largest, I have felt as if I were wearing five down coats at once and they all get in my way. Five water balloon-filled down coats. How’s that for a visual? Because moving with that much weight is an effort in itself, let alone how much it gets in the way.

I don’t feel like that anymore. I am crossing that indelible line into normal. While I still have many pounds to lose, it’s rare when I’m the largest one in the room, anymore. Any store that carries plus sizes also carries my size; I don’t have to shop at stores that offer extended plus sizes, anymore. In fact, I’m sinking steadily toward the lower end of the plus sizes. I’m still amazed when I pull something off the rack that I expect to be too small, and it fits.

As I’ve been selling off my extended plus size clothing, I’ve met women who are now where I used to be. In one case, the woman bought a pair of black slacks; she needed them for work. Immediately. Her pants had given away down one seam and she grabbed the pants to change in her vehicle. I felt horrible for her, and hoped that the pants would fit, because in my small town, that size just isn’t available. It would have been impossible for her to do anything other than take time off work and drive home to change, losing pay, rather than slipping into a local store and quickly buying a cheap pair of pants to see her through.

Another bought sundresses for her daughter, who is a teenager; I am a careful shopper and believe me, finding stylish clothes in those large sizes is a big challenge. Her daughter needed some options, and I’m glad I could help provide them. It must feel pretty tough to be a teenager and have to drive to a larger city just to buy clothing, but that’s how it is for those who wear over a 3X or size 26. Either drive or shop on the internet, which I have done.

My heart goes out to these women, because I absolutely understand their issues, and I’d much rather these clothes find homes of people who can truly use them, rather than donate and risk them being thrown away if they don’t sell.

It also reminds me to keep my perspective. I am happy with where I am and the progress I’ve made. I’ve wanted that sense of normalcy for quite some time, and having arrived at it, I realize how truly thankful and at peace I am. So while the rest of the world keeps speeding on around me, I’m still standing firm in my own little corner, and whatever gets thrown at me, well… I’ll continue to shake it off!

 

Pain Killer

Apr1

 

I’ve figured out something painfully obvious — something I should have figured out many years ago.

The times when I’m in pain are the times I’m most likely to get frustrated with my weight loss, and usually, when I’m in pain, it’s because I’ve gained weight. It’s a vicious conundrum, and a lesson I need to get through my thick head.

Er… slightly less than stepping on a Lego, but up there.

I’ve been in pain for around a week and a half. Mind you, I have chronic issues and I live with a certain amount of pain daily; what I’m talking about is over and above those norms. It’s been like a return to the levels of pain I had when I first started this journey a couple of years ago.

I know the cause: I decided to take a few days and relax my usually strict eating. When that happens, I gain a lot of water weight — and fast. When I carry excessive water weight, my joints hurt, particularly my knees, and if they become inflamed, my right knee will lock. I had that happen while I was camping; my knee goes out of alignment and I have to use my brace to straight it out, or I can’t put weight on my leg. Believe me, there is never, ever a good time for this to happen, but particularly while camping.

After it locks and I manage to get it unlocked, it’s painful for a few days; add water weight and sore joints, and I might as well be back at square one: unable to stand for more than a minute or two without sitting, unable to walk without a pronounced limp and a great deal of pain. Because of the pain, I move less, so there’s less chance of me actually triggering all that excess water to get the heck out of my body.

I also end up limiting what I can do and where I can go; for instance, I’ve needed to grocery shop for several days, but I haven’t, because walking has been too painful. Believe me, the pain is beyond frustrating, especially because it gets in my head and I start feeling like I’ve gone backwards; that the efforts I made to lose 114 pounds have been meaningless.

That’s a dangerous place to visit, let alone live. Just the fact of gaining water weight should be a dire reminder to never return where I once was, but my brain works in the opposite direction and whispers if this isn’t going to work, why keep up the effort? Why not enjoy that burger with fries? Why not get a chocolate shake along with it?

There is one sure thing: giving up and eating anything I want has never resulted in weight loss. It’s not the answer. It’s these times when I have to work through it, get that water weight back off, and start feeling good, again. I’m happy to report that today is the first good day, thanks in part to getting a few of those temporary pounds off.

The hard lesson: while I know what I’ll inevitably gain when I take a few days off from stringent dieting, I think the only thing it really does is please my brain — and confuse it. I have a summer full of camping in front of me; I cannot allow a setback like this to hit me, every time I choose to camp. I’m going to have to change how I do things so I’m not miserable afterward, hoping I can get back where I was and back to losing weight.

This is why this blog exists; to help me work through these sorts of real issues as I fight my way toward my goals. I need to re-read these things, on occasion, and remind myself of the struggles I’ve been through to get to this point — and how I managed to work through them.

 

Sunshine On My Shoulders

Mar25

No new weight loss to report this week, since I’m nowhere near a scale, and won’t be, for a few more days.

20160325_115017-1-1

The view from my seat

I’m writing this week’s blog from the banks of the Arkansas River, where we’ve been camping for a few days, and will finally pack up and head home on Sunday. We bought a pop-up camper roughly a month ago, and this is our second trip out, with many more trips planned.

I’ve been a tent camper for most of my life. I was raised in a scouting family; my brothers were Boy Scouts, my parents were volunteer scoutmasters. When I came of age, I became a Camp Fire Girl, and later, in high school, I joined a high adventure Explorer Post (now called Learning for Life).

I’ve always been an outdoors person; I grew up in a small town, on a lakefront, and just about every activity with my friends was outside. From ice skating to hockey to swimming to boating, our lives were on the water or around it. I walked to school with my friends. I worked on the other side of the lake, and walked to my job, roughly two miles away. I rode my bike everywhere; around the lake, to friends’ houses, to neighboring towns.

I still love the outdoors, and my soul demands a view of the water to be at peace — but I’ve let obesity rob me of the simple joys of being outside. I’m still more of an observer than a participant, but returning to things like hiking, swimming, scuba diving will come in time. For now, being able to get out and about, enjoying the glint of sunlight on the water or bursts of stars in a night sky, is another important step toward balance.

Yes, I’ve had some issues; while I’ve been fortunate over recent months to not deal with my knee locking up, it’s done so twice while camping. I’ve been prepared, though. It’s a small setback. It’s also a reminder that I have lots of work still ahead of me. I will need knee replacement soon, and the more weight I lose, the stronger I become physically, the better off I will be.

This journey started off as yet another attempt to lose weight, with hope that I wouldn’t give up in a week. Over time, though, it’s become much more about finding that balance in my life, restoring those things that are at the core of me, than simply dropping weight. Feeding an adventuresome spirit is another facet worth shining.

Enjoy the sunshine and springtime, friends!

 

I Can See Clearly Now

Mar11

I swore, when I started this journal, that I would be transparent — and today, transparency is what you’ll get. Not everything about my weight loss journey has been easy or happy.

Sometimes, the frustration sets in, often with a little regret. I’ve struggled with keeping my head in the right place, this week; I haven’t been tempted to jump off the wagon, but I haven’t exactly been thrilled with my progress, either.

I’m pretty sure I saw Nessie in my driveway.

Which is dumb. The week before last, I had one of the biggest weeks of weight loss since starting; losing 6.4 pounds in a week, 2 1/2 years into a weight loss effort, is phenomenal. Reasonably, I knew I’d have a correction last week, especially when I was a little concerned that perhaps I’d cut my food intake too much, and purposely increased it over the weekend.

Then, we went camping; it was a triumph for me, because I was able to do just about everything I wanted to do during our brief weekend trip. I still deal with limitations, but not as many as I thought I would. I was pleased. But one of the downsides of camping is that I often restrict my fluid intake, because of the distance to the bathrooms, and I end up dehydrated. My body retains water when it’s slightly dehydrated, and the only way to get it moving is to drink water. Lots of it. So I did.

The water is taking its own sweet time leaving my body. Water retention causes joint pain; so does bad weather, and we’re currently on our fourth day in a row of heavy rains, with a couple more days to go. My pain level, this week, has been higher than it has been in some time — and nothing gets me down, quicker, than arthritis pain. I’ve skipped workouts in the pool, both because of pain and because of storms. (Large bodies of water + lightning = not the best of ideas.)

Even though, in the grand scheme of things, this is just a hiccup, I feel like I’ve gone backwards in progress. And just because I know, mentally, that I’m being unreasonably hard on myself, doesn’t mean I can fully release that, emotionally. It’s times like these when I have to be careful; when the balance is somewhat precarious and I need to remind myself that success in anything is never a straight trajectory. No, it’s more like a roller coaster. There will be down times, and keeping my wits about me is imperative.

This, too, shall pass — but it’ll take bearing down and being patient. My body will release the water eventually, the rains will stop (hopefully!), the sun will come out and the pain levels will return to normal. Feeling as sluggish as I do at the moment is like a throwback to a couple of years ago, and perhaps it’s a good reminder of where I’ve been, and where I would be, again, if I ever lose my focus. This is not where I want to be.

On a positive note, I did have a few non-scale victories, including ordering some clothing that I intended to get in a smaller size than what I currently wear, but when the clothing showed up, it all fit now, and one of the shirts might even be a tad too big. It’s things like this that keep my brain in check; my deviation in water weight is only a few pounds, not a hundred. My hard work is paying off.

Soon, the sun will come out, again, and clear the rain away.

 

Jump

Feb26

I want to take a moment and comment on the fact that this last week has been one of the most noteworthy weeks of loss I’ve had to date. That’s pretty remarkable, and proves that loss is often hard to predict — but sticking with it will pay off in the long run. If you read the blog last week, you know I was around 6 pounds away from passing my next goal, and I figured it would take around a month, give or take, to get there.

That’s 112 pounds of natural breasts — the Guinness World Record — and I’ve lost the equivalent.

Ha! I’m there! I’ve lost 112.4 pounds! That’s a 6.4 pound loss since last week!

Yesterday morning, I passed the point where I’ve lost 30% of my starting weight. Almost a third of me, gone! Now — if you’re a scientist at heart, you’re familiar with the Law of Conservation, it says that energy cannot be created or destroyed; it merely changes forms. I don’t know if this means that the 30% of fat (energy) from my body has since floated through space and glommed onto someone else’s hips, but if this is the case, I heartily apologize… but I don’t want it back, either. 😉

I keep a close watch on all matters pertaining to my journey; I suspect a hormonal fluctuation caused my weight loss, but regardless of the reasons, I’ll take it. I have another goal set; a small one. And then after that? I’m focusing the cross-hairs on surpassing 140.5 pounds down, which is the most weight I’ve ever lost.

Now, back to today’s topic: a major JUMP! I’ve been meaning to share a victory, but I keep forgetting to do it — and in a way, that’s a good thing! When I first started back in the fall of 2013, I needed assistance to walk. My balance was off and my knee pain was extreme enough that I needed a cane anytime I left the house. If I had a long distance to walk, I had to use a wheelchair. I spent much of two Mexican vacations in a wheelchair because of it.

The improvements have been gradual. I haven’t used the wheelchair in many months. I’ve decreased using the cane to a point where I have only used it on rare occasions — usually on very bad arthritis days, and I can’t honestly remember when the last day was that I needed it. I would tuck it in the car if we went somewhere, in case I needed it, but I decided a few weeks ago to leave it completely at home.

The fact that I keep forgetting about it means I’ve also made the mental jump from thinking I need it, too, which is significant.

Sure, I’ll hang onto it. Realistically, I still have the same mechanical issues with my knees. But that cane will be a last-resort sort of thing; along on long trips, or challenges in which I might turn a knee, like camping trips. But otherwise? It’s no longer a part of my day. I’m getting around without it, these days, fairly easily.

I really do like feeling stronger than I have been, and now that exercise is part of my regimen again, I’m looking forward to the day when needing that wheelchair assistance on long walks is no longer necessary; I’m confident that day will come.

 

Get On Your Feet

Feb19

I’m 106 pounds down; a mere 6 pounds to my next goal.

It’s finally happened. It seems I went straight from a couple people close to me, keeping up with my weight loss, to crossing that invisible line where I’ve changed to a point that people don’t recognize me immediately if they haven’t seen me in several months. It’s happened three times in the last couple of weeks — a little difficult to ignore when it happens multiple times!

106 Pounds of Great Pyrenees

I admit; it’s kind of cool, in a way. It’s nice to get a little attention and recognition for hard work put in.

I know it’s awkward for some folks; they may not be able to put their finger on what’s changed, or may feel it’s inappropriate to say anything about weight loss. To be clear, I do not expect *any* recognition at all for weight loss. While I’m transparent here about my efforts, that doesn’t mean that I am with everyone, and not all reasons for weight loss are good ones. Some approach me somewhat cautiously about it; this happened just last night.

Inevitably, people say “I bet you feel better!” Well, absolutely! I’ve lost 106 pounds. I’m no longer carrying Miley Cyrus around on my hips. 😉 My chronic pain level has gone done immeasurably. While I still can’t walk long distances, my endurance is much higher, these days. By necessity, I stand, carry, sit, and walk differently than I did, before. These are all big changes; they may be as much a factor as a change in physical size to those who haven’t seen me in a while.

It’s nice, for now, and I’m enjoying it while it lasts, although I know there’s necessary head work ahead. My weight loss is slowing somewhat; I may need to shift gears, soon, and adapt in order to keep losing. At this point, though, I feel strong and optimistic. I’m confident that I’ll keep losing, that I’ll meet my upcoming weight loss goal in a month or so.

It’s also a point of no return; even if people aren’t saying anything to me, they’re noticing. They have the expectation that I’ll keep going. It’s peer pressure, in a way; it’s a whole new level of transparency when people you only know as acquaintances are suddenly interested in your personal story. Things have shifted; I’ve been on my feet, but now others expect me to get on my feet and take action.

I’ve said this many times before: my weight loss is, first and foremost, for me. It has to remain that way. But I admit that the extra layer of attention is both a level of support and yet another method that keeps me honest. For instance, if I have a meal in public, I suddenly feel as if people are watching what I eat. Would they care what anyone else had for dinner? Probably not — but people become oddly fascinated when they know you’ve lost a lot of weight. It’s simply something extra I have to deal with that others don’t.

There is a downside that I know to expect over the months to come. There’s a loss of privacy, in a way, when people suddenly take an interest and want you to tell them what’s been working. I don’t necessarily mind those sorts of inquiries, but realistically, I’m only an expert in what works for me personally, so answering questions about diet can become somewhat tedious. Everyone has to find their own path; that’s one of the reasons why those of you who read this blog don’t see a lot of references to my methods, only the mental effects.

I know, though, the lay of the land. That’s an advantage as I move forward. Exciting times are ahead!

 

Physical

Feb12

I’m pleased to report a new low this morning: I’m now 105.4 pounds down!

This past week, I’ve had the joy of returning to two things I’ve needed back in my life for a very long time — and both, though they seem distant from each other, required the same processes of stepping out of my comfort zone.

‘The Biggest Loser’ crowns Rachel Frederickson winner after she weighs-in at only at 105 pounds .

The first was last Sunday; I joined a community orchestra. Roughly two years ago, a friend gave me the gift of music in my life, again, by sending me her french horn; something I played for many years, and had meant, at one point, to be a crucial part of my career. That’s not what I ended up doing, and truthfully, when I sold my horn not long after college, I thought I’d likely never get the chance to play with a musical group again.

Last Sunday, that changed. I’d played enough in my own house, occasionally playing to recorded accompaniment on the sound system, but no matter how you cut it, that’s rather lonely. Music is an experience is meant to be shared.  I had looked for a community group to join, but didn’t find one until a few weeks ago; and last Sunday afternoon, I walked into the first rehearsal of the year.

Skipping forward to Monday, I took another step outside my comfort zone: I returned to exercise, after having left it several years ago. I had never been much of a workout maven; not until I started my first big weight loss journey in 2003. That journey truly was a physical one: I started by walking around my yard, and that was all I could manage. I kept walking until I’d created trails through the grass in my yard, and people would honk and wave at me as they drove by on the road in front of my house, because they saw me trudging along at the same time every morning.

From there, I joined the gym with my husband; it was totally alien to me. I swam laps in the gym pool, learned how to walk on a treadmill, and finally moved to the weight room and machines for strength training. What started as a simple lap around the yard graduated to daily 4 mile walks/jogs and strength training every morning before 5 am. Yeah, I was a workout badass for a while; when my daughter and I worked out in the weight room, there were men we out-lifted.

For a while, anyway. Until I injured myself; first by falling on one knee, breaking off a bone spur which lodged under my kneecap, requiring surgery. I came back after that, but I kept injuring myself. I pushed myself beyond the abilities of my body; I broke my own rules about adapting when hitting a wall. I left the gym for a couple years, only to return in 2011-2012. I water walked and jogged; my knees were in horrible condition and I’d regained most of my weight. If you read last week’s blog, you know I gave up on that effort. I left the gym, again.

A friend who works at the gym invited me to come give water aerobics a try — something that, quite honestly, I didn’t think was for me — but I needed to start somewhere. I needed to exercise, again. The time had arrived. So, on Monday morning, I started water aerobics class; it’s my first step back to building muscle and endurance. I’m back at the gym, once again.

Yes, playing french horn in an orchestra and going to water aerobics class have more in common than you may think. These tasks will build on each other. Being a musician requires physical control; lungs, diaphragm, lip muscles (in my case), posture, endurance. (Not to mention, carrying a horn case across a parking lot!) Just sitting in proper posture to play, for two hours on Sunday afternoon, made the muscles in my back hurt.

Likewise, water aerobics — or any cardio exercise — requires a lot of the same things, including endurance and lung capacity. I fully expect that as I progress with both, I’ll likely improve at both faster than I would at either one, taken separately.

But that’s not the biggest common denominator. No, that’s reserved for taking the step to be willing to step outside my comfort zone, and risk being uncomfortable. Believe me, walking into a room of musicians that I’ve never met before, with over 30 years of rust to knock off, took an act of bravery. The reward, for me, was the pure and deep joy of making sound with other musicians; it didn’t matter if I was good or not. I was doing what I set out to do, and welcomed by others who have been in the same place. I left there feeling absolutely exhilarated and challenged.

Returning to the gym, where I have previously given up several times, meant I needed not only to swallow my pride, and once again endure walking into a situation where I didn’t know the people involved, and had never been in a water aerobics class, feeling as if I might be judged for my size just by the act of walking through the doors. I did know the instructor; and once I got going, I felt a lot more comfortable with the situation. Now, I don’t care so much if someone happens to see me there and judge me; after all, I’m there for a reason. All of us are. Judging me for exercising would be stupid, considering everyone who walks through the door has the same goal.

So I leave this week, a better person than I started it, already feeling stronger; perhaps not physically, just yet, but certainly mentally. I’ve come to the conclusion that while I might refer to this weight loss journey as one journey, it’s not, really; it’s a series of new starts. Hurdles that must be met and jumped over, vantage points where it’s okay to rest a while and appreciate where I’ve been before tackling the next set of hurdles along the road.

 

I Am Changing

Feb5

103 pounds down, now!

Last week was quite the week for me, dealing with the mental changes necessary to keep strong on my journey.

No sooner had I rejoiced in passing a major weight goal, than I got cut down at the knees. This was one of those unforeseen circumstances I hadn’t mentally prepared myself for; you can’t possibly be prepared for everything life throws at you.

Mind you, most of the photos people see of me, online at least, are ones I took myself. I take great pains at every weight to make myself look as good as possible, especially with head shots that I use for profile pics in social media. Like most people, I have a little bit of vanity, and if I feel like I look my best at every weight, there’s a little more lift to my step. Mind you, I don’t do any magic to the photos; I just want to look and feel the best I can be at every stage of the way.

103 pound weight class champ! It’s kind of cool that I’m losing entire humans, these days.

Last week, though, someone took a pic of me and posted it online — and it was a horrible pic. A group of us were out together, and one of our friends said that since it had been a long time since we’d been out like that, she wanted a group photo. She asked someone to take it, and he took it down the length of our long table; I was closest to the camera. Consequently, it made me look disproportionately huge.

My immediate response, when I saw it online, was anger — not at the one who took the photo, but at myself. All those self-critical comments took up arms in my brain; I lost 100 pounds to end up looking like THAT? I look horrible! I look as big as I did when I started! Disgusting!

Those were my first responses… not gee, what a lousy photo angle; no one ends up looking good at that angle! No, I couldn’t consider for a moment that it was just a bad photo. Bad photos happen all the time. No, my brain jumped on beating myself up and making me feel like I hadn’t accomplished a thing, for all the work I’ve put in these last couple of years.

This is a dangerous thing. Back in 2012, we went on vacation to Mexico with friends; before vacation, I worked hard on losing weight and regaining some of my ability to walk. I took very short walks around the neighborhood; I worked out at the gym in the pool, in hopes of being able to walk better once on vacation. I lost a bit over 60 pounds in that effort — my low weight, then, was slightly above what I weigh right now. I felt like I was in a great frame of mind when we left for that vacation, ready for fun and sunshine.

I learned, quickly, that I wasn’t as prepared as I’d hoped. I couldn’t get around as well as I thought I would, and felt like I was holding other people back, because of my inability to walk any sort of distance. I felt defeated and disappointed that the hard work I’d put in hadn’t created the intended result. When we returned home and I went through all our travel photos, I saw the photos of me… and wanted to crawl into a hole, never to come out. I was absolutely mortified how horrible I looked in the majority of the photos. I was physically sick over looking at them; all I could see was my own ugliness, and not the beauty around me or the memorable times we created.

I let those things tip the balance toward defeat. I’d already been off my diet for vacation, and I never went back on it. Over the next 14 or so months, I gained 100 pounds; yes, there was the occasional shove-food-in-my-face-fest, but I was not binging. I gained that weight simply by eating fairly normally, with no restrictions on what I could eat; if I wanted pizza or cake, I had it. If you’re envisioning a sad girl scarfing down an entire bag of Oreos in the closet, that wasn’t me; despite the common misconceptions about why people become morbidly obese, I wasn’t having a free-for-all of food.

It has taken me over two years to take off what I put on when I went into decline after that vacation, triggered by photos, and by inability to produce the result I wanted, with the work I put in. I was already on the bubble, anyway; my low weight was a couple months before I went on vacation, and I was already on a slippery slope.  I had put back on about ten pounds or so. The mental sucker punch sealed the deal, and I didn’t go back on my weight loss plan.

That’s the power of emotional triggers when you’re in a bad mental place to begin with. That’s why I must be careful about how I choose to react to triggers when they unexpectedly pounce. The good news is that when I saw the photo last week, my response, after berating myself, wasn’t to give up.

No, I got pissed off. I was, and am, angry. It’s a very different response, and I’m glad for it. I’m a fighter. I’m not giving up.

First of all, it’s a bad pic. All of us have had a bad photo taken of us.

Second, I am still very overweight. I know this. I am nowhere near my stopping point. I’m fat, but I’m in the process of changing; this is a fact. I will stumble mentally on occasion, but when I do, it’s important that I pick myself up, brush myself off, and be realistic about the matter. I’ve let unexpected external information defeat me before, because a part of me was looking for a reason to give up. I cannot and will not do that, again.

Third, and perhaps most important: when choosing a response to a stressful situation, especially if that situation involves my weight, the worst possible reaction is to give up. What does that solve? Seeing myself in a photo as fat, regardless of whether it’s deadly accurate or simply a bad angle, will not be solved by giving up. The proper reaction is to keep up the good fight, no matter what. I vowed to change when I took the first step; every once in a while, situations will force me to recommit myself to that change.

I’ve since taken progress pics. Before I did, I accepted that the trigger wasn’t valid; I didn’t take the progress pics to disprove it, but that was the end result. One look tells me the truth; I’ve come an amazingly long way, and even if the progress pics didn’t tell that story, how I feel, these days, certainly does.

I am changing — for the better.

 

Change

Jan29

Finally hitting my 100 pound step, last week, switched on something on in my brain — something I didn’t expect.

102 pound shrimp!

When I crossed that 100 pound mark, and I sat down to take my latest measurements, I was still in the “nice number, let’s keep going” mindset. (I still am.) But then I decided to make an animated GIF of the profile photos I’ve had since starting my journey. I did it for me. Sometimes, looking from the inside out, my mental picture of myself doesn’t jive with the actual changes taking place; there’s a lag.

I take a new profile pic roughly every twenty pounds; I took a new one at 100, but honestly, I didn’t really think there were evident changes from the last pic. I was wrong. I shocked myself. I’ve reached a point in my weight loss when changes become evident more quickly because a twenty pound loss now is a larger percentage of my total body weight than it was, before. If a couple weeks go by between visits with a friend, they mention changes I don’t see.

Yep, that’s my incredible shrinking face.

I know, from previous experience, that my toughest mental times are ahead; they have arrived. My biggest challenge isn’t in actually losing the weight; it’s in learning how to live — and be comfortable — in my own skin. I’ve hid behind fat; being fat makes me invisible in many ways. It’s amazingly easy for me to dissolve into the shadows, and although I know I come across as a vocal person online, I am quite introverted in real life — I’m more than happy to be the quiet one in the corner.

This is the point I have been preparing for; that turning point where I must force my brain to evolve with my body. Anyone who has been at various weight points in their life knows this truth: people do treat you differently, depending on your weight and their perceptions of you. Sometimes, it’s subtle; a friend who’s suddenly willing to hug you when they didn’t, before, or getting waited on the moment you walk into a store.

Sometimes, it’s blatant. Years ago, when I lost 140 pounds, a friend of mine complimented me on how good I was doing. Her husband piped up and said he liked me better, now that I wasn’t fat, because I wasn’t ugly anymore. I was shocked. (I assure you, his wife unloaded a few choice words in his direction!)

Regardless, my mental issues before weren’t with what I was able to do with my improved body strength and abilities; it was with the changes in how I was perceived. While some might find the last example outrageous (and yes, I did, too), it’s no different than what any number of people might be thinking without verbalizing it. Perception changes how we treat others. Although my circle of friends and my surroundings had not changed, I was living in an alien world that I was uncomfortable with.

This is why I have purposely constructed this mental fortress to deal with these changes as they happen, instead of being shocked into the frightening dissonance I witnessed, before. I know what that dissonance is, now, and I choose to resolve it by learning how to live this new life in increments, rather than sliding back into a familiar comfort zone where I can disappear.

The hardest work — and the best rewards — are still in front of me.

 

Break Away

Jan22

100 pounds down? Yep, that’s *this girl*. Honestly, I’m still in shock that I’ve come this far. In fact… 100.2 pounds!

100 pounds of fat — on a table. Because who doesn’t normally put 100 pounds of fat there?

Mind you, this hasn’t been a fast process at all; it was September of 2013 when I took my first step on this journey, so it’s taken me more than two years to lose 100 pounds. But on the flip side, it feels surreal, because I honestly thought I wouldn’t be able to join the ranks of the big losers, again. But here I am, back in the Century Club, and believe me, I’m proud and happy to be here.

The last few months have been the most miraculous. Weight loss, for me, is a constant process of experimentation; if something doesn’t work, try something else — balanced with the doubts of whether I’ve given something all the chances I should have before making a change. There just simply is no way to know what works without trying a variety of methods and hoping, once you find a good combination, that you can ride that out for a bit.

That’s where I’ve been these past seven months or so; I found a good combination, and I’ve been riding it. I’m sure at some point I’ll have to adjust; I suspect that point might be coming soon, but I’m mentally prepared to keep plugging away at it.

Because 100 pounds of loss is nothing to sneeze at. This journey has been one of opposites; hard work, and yet easier than I thought it would be. Slow, but faster changes than I expected at different points along the way. Frustrating at times; rewarding at others. With these polar opposites, I’ve had to ride the waves and make sure at every ebb and flow that my mind is in the right place. Sometimes, that battle has been very difficult, and yes, I have always had part of me that whispers “too much work, no one cares, eat what you want!”

I am surrounded by people who want me to succeed — and I truly believe that has made the biggest difference, over previous attempts to lose weight and regain health. Transparency has made this a very interesting ride; when I’ve all but dropped off the face of the earth, wanting to just give up, there’s always been someone who has reminded me to return to my focus and goals.

Truly, to those of you who have been there for me, I owe you a huge Thank You. There have been several times I would have been happy to just disappear, but you haven’t let that happen. Make no mistake — I’m on this journey for myself, but my family and friends are my largest consideration and I owe a debt of gratitude to those who continue to be there for me as I keep taking each step forward.

It’s been all about taking risks and taking chances. I wouldn’t say I’m a changed person, although I am, in many ways; perhaps it’s more accurate to say that I’m peeling away what really isn’t me, and returning to my core. That ultimately makes this the trip of a lifetime — and I’m enjoying the journey.

Thanks.