57 Pound Boxer – Not A Toad!

Finally! I’m happy to report that I’ve broken through my plateau. This morning, I am now down 57 pounds. I’m absolutely thrilled to have broken through the plateau I’ve been dealing with; the last time I recorded a new low weight was on August 30. I proved to myself that not only can I work through the temptations to trash my diet, but I can also get back in losing mode. I never totally left my diet — but my head was most definitely working against me.

I’ve done a few things over the last couple of weeks that have helped me regain my focus. One of the big ones was to keep a promise I made to myself when I started this weight loss journey; I had previously taken two progress videos, but kept telling myself I’d do it, again, at 50 pounds down, and I hadn’t done it. Over the course of the months between the first time I passed the 50 pound mark and now, I’ve crossed that line several times — watching my weight go up and down, again. And still, each time I’d pass 50 (again), I didn’t make that video.

Last Friday, I finally made it. It’s the third one I’ve done; the first was when I first started, the second was at 17 pounds down. Each time, I spoke to my future self; the self I knew would inevitably start getting shaky, tempted, and frustrated. I should have taken the time to watch those videos; I might have found my strength, again, earlier. That’s why they’re there, after all.

This time, I got something I didn’t expect at all. I watched all three videos — in order — and I’ll tell you, honestly, that I openly cried through all three.

I have a tendency to be very critical of myself, which is one of the many reasons I avoid cameras, or act like a goof when the camera is on me. I immediately look at how prominent my extra chin is, if my eyes are equally open, if my hair is sticking straight up. There are plenty of times that I’ve told myself that it’s time for a new profile photo for Facebook, and skipped it, because I didn’t like the results. I know I’m not the only person who does this; I nitpick until I just decide I’m not going to use a photo.

The videos are only for me, but I know they are going to be emotional treks, so I tend to shy away from feeling those emotions. Avoidance is also pretty common for those of us that want to put distance between the deep emotions tied to making a big journey like this, and our every day lives, but it’s also necessary. So, deciding in advance that I felt pretty good that day, I opted to take a deep breath and do it. I even made it through most of the video without crying.

What made me cry, afterward, wasn’t what I said in the videos… it was the physical differences I saw, looking at myself, with the biggest surprise being the most recent video. No, my weight loss is not that evident; but the changes in my mental outlook, in how I take care of myself and present myself to the world, have changed greatly. These have been gradual changes over the course of more than a year, and while I might be wearing the same clothes, my outlook on life has improved greatly.

Despite the challenges that I’ve faced in losing this weight, and the fact that I have so far yet to go, I am truly thankful that I’m on this journey. Perhaps it’s appropriate that this comes at Thanksgiving; I am grateful for having made the effort and put the work in. I am happy that I can see such prominent changes; perhaps not so much in my weight, because I’m really still on the brink of being noticeably thinner, but the inner changes, the mental changes, the important and crucial changes that will improve my chances at eventually reaching my goals, are happening.

Thank God.

In a desperate (and hopefully comedic) maneuver to remain relevant… yes… Baby Got Back — on track. 😉

I’m back within striking distance (3.4 pounds) of a new low, and I got there by getting myself fully back on track, and taking control of not only what I put in my body, but what thoughts I allow to take up residence in my brain. I’m feeling stronger as time goes by, and watching the pounds going away (again) and being so much closer to declaring a new low — well, that’s pretty good incentive. We’re also making plans for next summer’s vacation, and while I know I’ll have to deal with limitations for some time yet, my goal is to be more mobile, and yes, weigh less. I like having goals to work for.

I had initially set the goal to break through my plateau by year’s end; while that’s the long end of the range, what I truly hope for is to break it by Thanksgiving.

While I understand and embrace the idea of working through such challenges one day at a time, I also think that having too myopic of a viewpoint can work against me. Getting too caught up in the daily ups and downs of weight loss left me with a feeling of hopelessness, because I hadn’t seen progress in too long of a time; it’s times like that when good intentions and negative inner voices war with each other, and it’s easy to listen to the voice that says “you’re going to be doing this FOREVER, how about a little break once in a while?”

If you don’t have your mind in the right place, the occasional cheat is a slippery slope to a much larger cheat — and then a more intentional cheat. And before you know it, your system has stalled out. The further off-track we go, the more of a challenge it is to get back to where we need to be.

And I’m glad to be getting closer to where I need to be.

Just like any other journey, I find myself taking brief breaks and assessing my surroundings. Although my body doesn’t seem to be in weight loss mode at the moment, I’m holding steady, which is a lesson in itself.

I had a little mini vacation over the weekend; a three day weekend to a wine festival we attend every year. Our daughter flew in and joined us, as did a couple of dear friends. Although the weather wasn’t the best, we had a good time.

This weekend was a lesson in being conscious of what’s happening in the moment, and I find that when I take the time to be fully aware, everything I experience is much richer. I have a brain that’s prone to rushing on to the next thing before finishing what’s in front of me, so relaxing and allowing full awareness isn’t something that comes easily.

I planned to relax my dietary restrictions for the weekend, but instead of just shoveling everything in my mouth that I could, I fully tasted everything. If I’m going to have a planned “cheat” meal (or in this case, weekend), I’m sorely disappointed if my palate isn’t pleased. It’s not junk food I yearn for, although that’s an occasional want. Instead, I want the experience of food to be as pleasing as the environment and the company.

This is also true when I’m observing my plan, but I admit I don’t take as much care, because so many of my meals are habit.

I savored each bite and fully tasted it, instead of just filling a hungry stomach. I chose things I really wanted; not just empty carbs and calories. I find this sort of eating much more satisfying, and when I take my time and enjoy my food, I’m much less likely to just throw caution to the wind and eat whatever happens to be convenient.

Perhaps it’s because I was more tuned into achieving that satisfaction, but I found that I didn’t overeat, and while I expected a small gain, I didn’t gain as much as anticipated.

I was also more careful to remain in the moment throughout most of the trip. I took my time getting around and found that I was able to do most of the things that I enjoy about the wine festival. Poor weather limited some activities; my inability to be fully mobile limited others, but for the most part, I don’t feel cheated in any way. I love the tours, but I’m not at a point, yet, where I can participate; perhaps next year.

Being able to relax and not worry about my surroundings, limitations, or perceptions was quite refreshing. I waste far too much time feeling embarrassed or wanting to make excuses to having gained back weight. I’m sure people do wonder, and perhaps wait until I’m out of earshot to make comments; we ran into a family we’d last seen perhaps seven or eight years ago, and I’ve gained a substantial amount of weight in that time. At first, I thought about not saying anything at all to them, but then I got over myself — and had a nice time chatting with them.

This is part of the process; I need to be more comfortable with myself, my size, my limitations — no matter what size I am, no matter what my limitations are, because every single one of us has boundaries we must live within, and those boundaries are different for everyone. There are many things I am totally capable of doing, which others cannot; it’s often easy to forget that there are things that are fully within my boundaries that are outside of the range for others. We tend to look at what we lack, rather than what we possess.

Perhaps these pit stops are there for a reason, and there are lessons to learn.

NSV (non-scale victory): I am finally to the point where I seriously need to consider giving up the jeans I bought when I first started losing weight over a year ago. When I bought them, they fit, but they could fit better; I always felt like I needed to pull them up because invariably, the back of my shirt would creep up and people would see far too much of my lower back (and upper butt bubble!).

Thanks to the miracle of lycra, plus-size clothing can fit for a wider range of weights, and I was pretty much at the top of the range when I bought two identical pair of jeans. Now, I’m finally at the low point of the range; this past weekend, I had to keep pulling them up because they sagged, and when I did pull them up completely, they sat above my waist! They’ve been my comfy jeans for a while, now, and it’s time to move on to something that fits me better.

I admit it: I recently saw an internet article about a body-positive activist.

And I cringed. I’m still cringing, in fact.

Over recent months, there’s been more attention given to being comfortable with your own size. I think this is a good thing; I’ve been among those who have hated how I look, how I feel. I’ve been embarrassed by my size. I’ve caught myself feeling as if I need to make excuses because I’m a large woman. Getting past that is a monumental step forward; and I’m not quite there, yet.

A lot of us are self-critical; women, men, overweight, underweight… for a variety of reasons. We’ve been conditioned to think that somehow, some part of our being might be perceived as offensive or bad. We’re shy. We’re apologetic. We remove ourselves from uncomfortable situations — before we even know, for sure, that they’ll be awkward. We measure ourselves against a societal norm that may be personally unachievable.

In light of the accepted social stereotypes and expectations, I believe movements toward acceptance are good.

If you believe that a clothing line is discriminatory by not offering larger sizes — and at the same time, casting aspersions on those who would require those sizes — you vote with your money. Don’t give them your business. (But at the same time, recognize the reality that all successful businesses have target markets; not targeting a particular market isn’t necessarily discriminatory.)

There should be dialog about what’s normal, what’s acceptable, what’s healthy, what’s constructive. So often, media attention for such issues is far from constructive. Brooke Birmingham made the news when a Shape magazine freelancer rejected a photo of her in a bikini after a 172 pound loss. The good follow-up to this is that Shape and Brooke went on to do a photo shoot, and address the issues of women after large amounts of weight loss. We need more constructive discussions and results.

While I think Brooke Birmingham’s result is a good one, other disputes over size leave me feeling as if people just aren’t getting it.

You can easily find hundreds of articles by searching on fat shaming or fat acceptance. There are hashtags of #fatkini and #bbw and #bodypositive. While all of these things are, at their center, well-meaning — I see one problem with them: defining ourselves by our body type is still a mental confinement, no matter how you cut it. The article about the body-positive activist is a good illustration of this. Be careful of mental contradictions that tear down your own defenses instead of building up what’s good.

At one time, I was defined by my weight loss success, and that was probably one of the biggest factors that led me to give up on my journey — and gain back every single pound, plus a few more. On one hand, it’s an ego-boost to have complete strangers stop you and tell you they are proud of the efforts you’ve made. After all, losing weight, getting healthy and fit — it’s pretty freaking hard work, particularly if you fight against factors that complicate the battle.

But on the other, being overly consumed with one facet of you, instead of focusing on balance, can easily contribute to failure. There must be balance in every part of your life. How you define yourself is up to you; and in the long run, your own definition is the one that will sway how others view you.

I firmly believe that life becomes much easier with self-acceptance, even if your goal is to change that sense of self. I sincerely hope that while you might read my words regarding my weight loss journey, you will come away with a greater sense of who I am than simply my change in physical size. In my mind, the way you show the world that it’s okay to be a person of size is to present the world with the entire package; be a terrific person who just happens to also be of size. Make that a minimal factor.

When great people leave us, what is it about them that we miss? When Maya Angelou died, was her legacy the marvelous gift she gave us in her words and actions — or was she remembered because she was six feet tall?

When the most forward definition that you choose to present is your size, you’ve missed the point entirely. If you do so while attempting to make others feel inadequate with their own definitions, you’ve undone any good work you may have created by being body-positive. Remember — ‘body-positive’ belongs to everyone, not just to those of larger size.

PS: On a humorous side-note, I saw this article today: ‘Fat shaming doesn’t work, a new study says’  To which I respond — no, really? You needed a study for that?

Dude throwing a 56 pound weight. I’m sure I’ve had the exact same expression, just toting around the 55.8 pounds that are now gone.

Amazing. It’s been an entire year that I’ve been on plan! And as of today, I’ve lost 55.8 pounds.

I’ve been on diets for longer than a year, before. I don’t necessarily consider that an inhuman feat, but it hasn’t exactly happened often. This is probably the third — perhaps fourth — time in my life that I’ve stayed on a diet plan for more than a year. And usually, several times during the course of the journey, I’ve been tempted to just trash the entire thing.

Sometimes, it’s because my mind wanders into dangerous territory, reminding me of the things I miss about not being on a restricted diet. Sure, there are foods I love that are not part of my diet; my program is carb-restricted, and I dearly love things like soft pretzels and just about anything dealing with potatoes.

The more dangerous times are when I am frustrated, and lose sight of why I made the effort to lose weight in the first place. I get wound up in my head, feeling as if my efforts don’t matter, and I might as well just give up. And, especially in combination with yearnings for foods I miss, those are the times I fall off.

Of the longterm diets I’ve been on, this one has produced the slowest weight loss, which you would think would send me into that treacherous land of frustration. Surprisingly, that hasn’t been so. In fact, perhaps slow loss has contributed to a healthier state of mind this time around; instead of being the normally obsessed and it-has-to-happen-now dieter I’ve been in the past, I’ve had time to adapt and contemplate.

Sure, there are times when a plate of fried potatoes covered in bacon and onions sounds pretty awesome. Now, in fact — that always sounds good to me. But I don’t feel frustrated by slow weight loss. I feel secure and strong. I don’t approach what I do from the angle of deprivation; at times, I have the foods I love. I just don’t go overboard on them and let them rule my thinking, because in the long run, my life is not about food.

The gift I gave myself a year ago has been remembered. I walk easier, I breathe easier, my clothes fit better, and my mind is centered. I’m not where I want to be, yet, but I know that each day brings me closer to my destination, and in another year, my plan is to be reviewing this coming year with as much hope and progress.

As great as my physical gains have been — and they are noticeable, each and every day — I believe my biggest gains have been mental and emotional. My life isn’t what it was, a year ago. Not that it was bad; it wasn’t, at all, but I’ve found the ability and courage to do things that I felt were beyond me, then. I’ve made important changes, looking for things that feed my mind more so than my body, both in my career path and personally.

I’m not just Lisa-on-a-diet. I’m Lisa, relearning what it’s like to take risks and find joy in both old and new things. That’s really the biggest gift I gave myself a year ago, taking that first day’s step, and wondering if I’d still be at it in a year and a day.

The first post of this journey, a year ago.