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Y2, Week 9: Goal Pants, Chin Up

Jun1

I admit it: I’ve been struggling. It’s mental crap, again; stuff I just really need to figure out, deal with, and get out of my system.  I’m a deal with it and go on type of person, so it just really frustrates the heck out of me when the same issues keep raising their heads time and time again. Obviously, I haven’t found the key, yet, to handling them.

This time, it’s back to feeling sorry for myself because I don’t see progress; or rather, I think my mind is telling me there’s no progress because it’s not being noticed. Believe me, I know exactly how childish and self-centered this is, and that I shouldn’t be losing weight for attention. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel these things on some level, and they undermine me, so I have to deal with them.

The sabotage has been subtle. It’s been letting the amount I eat and drink drift up on weekends. Not being diligent with exercise and making excuses. Not making sure there’s enough variety in my daily regimen, so I end up getting bored — and tempted. These are all normal ebb-and-flow parts of any health regimen, but my response cannot be to give up, because that makes no sense: if I’m not putting in a full effort, I can’t expect results, and no amount of excuses will change that. Pouting because someone else is getting attention for weight loss that’s a fraction of mine is just silly.

The result of this kind of thinking is a petulance that demands I just forget the whole thing, that I feel sorry for myself because over a year of effort hasn’t meant squat. That I just stop making the effort.

Which is, of course, the dumbest thing in the world that I could possibly do. If you’re digging a hole and it doesn’t seem like you’re making progress, the solution is never to stop digging. Regardless of what my perception is right this moment, regardless of whether or not I think I’m making progress, stopping the effort and giving up isn’t going to produce the desired results; in fact, I’d likely gain the weight I’ve lost back.

It is entirely about perception. We all have great days, and we all have fat days. I need to recognize the fat days and just move on; the great days will come, and they will be more often the more effort I make, because I have made progress. A lot of it. Just because it’s been gradual enough for people to not notice doesn’t negate it.  In fact, despite my dumb brain telling me otherwise, it’s what I want, and what’s best for me mentally. Losing a whole bunch of weight in a relatively short amount of time did bad things to my brain years ago; I both thrived on the attention and despised it.

I have to remember to be diligent. Instead of just thinking “screw it, I’m done with this!”, I have to reevaluate where I’m at and what I need to do to help myself.  For right now, that means a few things:

Being more attentive on the weekends. I let myself go from moderate carbs/calories on weekends to allowing treats that I shouldn’t be eating, or eating/drinking until I’m beyond full, which will only stretch my stomach back out. I need to quit blowing Monday and Tuesday because I’ve over-indulged on Saturday and Sunday.

Adding variety back to my diet. It’s very easy for me to drift to a norm of low carb eating: meat, eggs, not much else. I’m convinced that what’s made a difference for me this time around is making sure I have a lot of variety in my eating, including lots of fruits and veggies. When I get lazy in my eating, I get away from those things.

Changing up my exercise routine. I dearly need some change, if for no other reason than my mental health. I’m burned out on water workouts at the moment.  I’m going to change focus for a bit and try to add walking into my regimen — slowly. I’m also going to start adding strength training into it as well, and perhaps alternate with water workouts so I don’t feel like I’m just spinning my wheels.

I’m also going to quit avoiding trying on my goal pants, which I’ve done the last couple of weeks. I need to remember what they feel and look like, because that mental marker is important. I tried my pants on first thing this morning, and truly, I don’t think I’ve gone forwards or backwards since the last time, but I need to kick the idea of “no progress” to the curb, because I know darned well that it’s very easy for me to go backwards and gain weight. Not losing isn’t ideal, but it’s a hell of a lot better than not gaining, and that’s a victory, too.

Y2, Week 7: Goal Pants and Creaky Knees

May20

Goal pants: I didn’t try them on this week. My head wasn’t in the best of places on Friday after getting on the scale and seeing a four pound gain when I haven’t been on the scale since March, a good 6 weeks ago. I had to wrap my head around that whole “you GAINED?!” thing and put it in perspective.

Now, those of you that have followed the blog know that I don’t weigh unless a reach a certain goal — or I’m heading to the doc. In this case, it was the doc.  While my orthopedist doesn’t weigh me, I wanted to talk to the doc about getting a new knee brace, since the one I have doesn’t fit anymore. I figured that having a number reference would be a good thing, but in the long run, it was a mistake to weigh.

For one thing, the person I saw at the doc’s office didn’t care about the beginning and end numbers; she just referred me to the brace fitter and said if they can’t make my current one work, the office would write a new prescription for one. And more importantly, seeing a gain on the scale didn’t do me any good, no matter how much I told myself that the scale doesn’t matter.

My clothes are fitting better overall, so I’m going to just tuck the gain in the back of my brain and use it as a reminder that I need to check myself on occasion. I have been letting weekends get away from me when it comes to raising my carbs and calories, and I needed to clean it up. This weekend, I’ve been doing much better. So perhaps that’s the kick in the seat that I needed.  I’m a couple months out from my next fitness challenge, so I have time to correct this.

Now, about my creaky knees: the difficulties I had in Vegas served to push me to a decision I’d been putting off.  For the past several years, I’ve been takinginjections in my knees.  I can get them every 6 months, but weight loss has helped my knees a lot, so this time, it’s been a year. I started the series on Friday, and it’ll finish off in a couple of weeks.

The other thing I did was decide to see if I can have my brace redone.  The  brace I have was custom fitted for my leg, and once again, since losing 63 pounds, the brace no longer fits. It slides down my leg when I wear it, and because I’ve dropped from size 26 pants to size 22, the pants won’t fit over the top of the brace. (This brace has a titanium metal bar that forms the outside of it, and it’s formed to my leg — as it was.)  I figure that if the brace can be reordered in a smaller configuration, that will last me another 30-40 pounds.  At that point, I don’t think I’ll need it. I’ve only put it on a couple of times since last November, and even then, it didn’t fit very well.

The purpose of doing these two items is to increase my mobility. The more weight I lose, the better my mobility gets. The better my mobility is, the more I can do. And I need that. I was originally seeing both items as somehow “giving in”, but that’s just backward thinking. If they help me progress so I can continue toward health and fitness, then I need to do it.

Y2, Week 5: Struggling with Mental Issues

May4

Stop looking for Week 4; I was in Vegas and didn’t post. 😉

So… I’m struggling with a lot of things at the moment, but first, a recap on the Vegas trip.  I was thrilled on the way there, because not only did I fit the seat, but I didn’t need a seat belt extender. That was a real boost for me.  I also did a lot of walking while in Vegas, and the knees/legs lasted longer than I thought they would. But by the end of the week, they were still shot, and it’s been a few days to recover. I guess if there’s good news, there, it’s that any soreness I had wasn’t because of muscles, and recovery has been quicker than it has been in the past.

I had a fantastic time in Vegas with some truly wonderful people. That’s not an issue at all.  But I did get some kicks in the chops when pictures started getting posted and other peoples’ weight losses were mentioned, but mine wasn’t. Yes, I know this is an ego thing; and I am caught between wanting the recognition of having lost 63 pounds, and not wanting it noticed because it screwed with my head when I had to constantly recount my story and my current weight when I lost 140 pounds years ago. I don’t want to be identified by weight loss anymore than I want to be identified by my weight. But. I guess I am somewhat saddened that 63 pounds of me is gone and it’s not immediately noticeable.

I’ve been mentally flogging myself over feeling bad about it. And complicating everything else, I have a new awareness of my body that I haven’t had in quite some time; I’m not sure if this is a consequence of the mental mule kick or just bad timing. How to explain this?  Well, I feel fat. Yeah, I know, I am fat; I’m stating a fact, not insulting myself.  But for the first time, I feel my body, and I can feel where the fat is exactly, how much there is, how thick it is in places, how far I have to go before it’s gone. That awareness might be a very good thing, but right now, it’s serving as a reminder to me that I need to suck it up and keep up the hard work.

With all this crap floating around in my mind, plus the complications that hit because of overeating and walking too much for cranky knees, I came very close to not getting back on the wagon. My mind was literally screaming why bother? to me.  And it’s been tough to not give in to that voice. I’m disappointed in myself, because I really did want to be further along in the journey by now, and while I know logically why I am where I am, I’m having a really hard time with self-acceptance at the moment. I see pics of myself and cringe. I don’t see any progress that I’ve made. I’m still the largest one in the room.

Now, I’m admitting to this and writing it out because even though my brain keeps demanding that I just give it up because it’s not doing any good, I know on a lot of levels that I have made progress, and it becomes exponential at this point. The progress I make in both weight loss and strength training will have an increased effect from this point onward; the larger percentage of my overall body weight that I lose, the more noticeable it will become. A 63 pound loss, if you start out at 234 pounds, is much more noticeable than a 63 pound loss when you start at 334 pounds; I know that. And now that I’m smaller, any loss I have will be a larger proportion of my overall weight.

Plus, as I continue to lose, any strength I gain will have a bigger effect. The more weight I lose, the happier my knees are, and the better job my muscles can do keeping things aligned and working properly. In short, I would be an idiot to give up now, because I’m on the brink of this mattering so much more than it has.

As an addendum… I didn’t put on my goal pants this morning. I’m going to give myself a solid week of being on plan before doing that again; I recognize that I’m not in the strongest place, mentally, so I’m not going to compound it by trying on goal pants. I know I’m still carrying some water weight, as well as real gained weight, from a week of vacation.

Y2, Week 2: Next Goal Clothes, Exercise

Apr13

Somehow or other, I lost a week when I was labeling posts, so that’s why you aren’t seeing a Week 1 or a Week 52 from last year; they were pretty much the same week. 🙂

I selected new goal pants on Wednesday. Since it was just Wednesday when I tried them on to take pics, I didn’t bother with trying them on this morning. This time, I’m going with a pair of jeans that are size 22 petite.  A friend of mine says that petite sizes run a full size smaller than regular sizes; I’m going to assume she’s right, since that’s how these seem to fit. They are slightly smaller than the size 22 black jeans that I just called as a fit recently.  They are also at the smallest range for 22, so once I’m in them, the next size for goal pants is size 20.

I have kept the same shirt for a goal shirt; it fits everywhere but the upper sleeves. I have big upper arms (which I detest, but what are you going to do?), so when they aren’t so noticeably tight, I’ll call the shirt a fit. Off hand, I don’t recall what size the shirt is marked.

I’m still just amazed that I’m this close to a size 20.  I know that some clothes come in 16W, but for the most part, 18W is the smallest plus size.  I will be absolutely thrilled when I am out of the plus size department.

I’ve been going through more “archived” clothes from the last time I lost a great deal of weight.  Yesterday, I went through a bunch of dress clothes, and hung up the ones I wanted to keep. That’s the next major group of clothes that I’ll be fitting back into, and the majority of them are around size 18. After that, I’ll actually have to buy new clothes. I’m predicting/guessing/hoping that I’ll be in them in about another year. And honestly, a year doesn’t really sound like that far away.

Exercise:

I’m back in the swing on exercise. I’ve also been supplementing exercise a bit with taking brief walks around the neighborhood. Unfortunately, on Monday, I pushed it too hard and my knees told me in various ways to stop that crap, so I have had to back off on it.  I intend to restart, though, and do it more smartly. Since I’m walking for endurance and not exercise, I need to pay closer attention to the signs my knees are giving me. Also, my hip wants to fuss on occasion. The more I lose weight, though, the happier my joints will be.

 

One Year On The Road

Apr3

That’s right. As of today, I’m one year down the road to a better and healthier way to live.

A year ago, I was faking it until I found some motivation.  I’m truly glad I did.  If you happen to be reading this, trying to find some courage to take that first step, let me echo what you surely know already: one day’s effort is the start of great things. Just get through today. Then, when tomorrow comes, get through tomorrow. Stop worrying about how long it’s going to take or how difficult it’s going to be; all of us can get through one day.

One day turns into a week of success, and then a month, and then suddenly you’re at where I am, today, and looking back at a year’s worth of work.  That year’s worth of getting through each day on its own has improved my life.

Where I was, then:  hip pain, plantar fasciitis, knee pain, water retention, heart palpitations. Size 3X tops. Size 26 jeans that were too tight. I had to wear flat granny shoes, no matter what. I needed a handicap hang tag because my knees had gotten so bad that I avoided places like Walmart or large grocery stores because the amount of walking was extremely painful.  I wore a custom-fitted knee brace to align my right knee and help me walk.  Generally, I felt horrible and cranky.

Today, a year later, 63 pounds down from my starting weight: Hip pain is gone. Plantar fasciitis is gone. Knee pain has gone from a regular 8/10 to 2/10, which is an awesome accomplishment, considering the likelihood that I will have total knee replacement in at least one knee, thanks to level 4 arthritis on all three surfaces of both knees.  The knee brace no longer fits, but I don’t feel like I need it, either.

I regularly wear 2X tops, and most of my pants are size 22. No more water retention or heart palpitations. No more handicap hang tag; I’ve gone from experiencing knee pain even when I’m sitting, to being able to walk parking lots and large stores with no problems.  I’m now taking small walks around my neighborhood twice a day. The granny shoes are history; I get to wear cute shoes, again!  Just nothing that Lady Gaga ever wore.

Am I still the large person in the room?  Often, yes, but I’m close now to being a more common size.  I don’t feel the same level of anxiety over being in crowded rooms or worrying about if I’ll be able to make the walk from a parking space to a meeting location.  I no longer worry about being a burden on my friends.  When I get on a plane at the end of this month, I’m not worried about if they’re going to try to charge me double for a plane ticket.

A lot has changed in a year.  I know I still have a long way to go, but not nearly as far as I did a year ago, and I’m happy to be on the road back to health.

Starting down the road took an act of faith and courage, and there have been times that I’ve been in doubt along the way. I know that will probably happen again, from time to time; I hit stages and road blocks when I have to do mental gut checks and also reassess where I am and whether something needs to change. That’s the nature of the beast: what worked for me in the past may no longer work, but I can change what I’m doing — and I can change how I think.  That’s how I’ve gotten through the last 365 days, and how I will get through the rest of today.

And tomorrow.

And the day after that… and so forth, until I’m at another spot in the road that’s worth assessing where I’ve been.  And when I reach that point, I intend to be proud and happy with the results.  Because, when you get down to it, no matter how you choose to spend one day, it’s the accumulation of them that matters. Where will I be in a year? It’s my choice — and yours — how to best spend just one day and see where it lands you, and go on from there.  In one year, I could have been no different than where I was the previous year.  But I’m glad to have chosen to take an act of faith and shed 63 pounds, as well as regaining strength from exercise.

One day makes a difference.

Week 51: Goal Pants Fit!

Mar30

Finally… the black jeans are an official fit. My weight has been updated to a total loss of 63 pounds.

I’d have to go back through my posts, but I want to say I’ve been working on these goal pants since November. Crap — four months, at least! As I’ve said before, I will never pick that big of a size difference again when choosing goal pants.  Four months was entirely too long. Ideally, I’d like to go two months or so between the clothing I choose.

The shirt? It fits everywhere except the upper arms. They’re tight. Not tight enough to be uncomfortable, since the shirt has a little stretch in it, but tight enough that I don’t think it would look good to someone else.

Now, back to those pants. I admit I’ve gone through quite the head game with these jeans, including today. I think in part it’s because it took so long to call them a fit that I was hesitant to do it. Even this morning, I was putting off saying that they were at a point where they were okay to wear. I think part of it was that they were still a little too tight in the crotch/upper thigh area when I last weighed, which was only three pounds ago, so why would they really fit any better now?

I decided that I’d put them on this afternoon, after I finished exercising, and wear them for a while to see if they’d loosen up, and they did. They’re jeans, after all, and they have a small bit of stretch in them. I went grocery shopping in them, and my mother even gave them her seal of approval; trust me, my mother is opinionated about clothes!

So, I’m sitting at 63 pounds down, now, and these jeans are size 22 — on the small side of 22. I have other jeans and shorts in size 22 that I’ve been comfortably wearing for a while, now.  I’m pretty sure I know what jeans will be next, and they are a size 20 petite.

While we’re on the subject of clothing, I did something cathartic: I took all clothes that are currently too large for me and bagged them up. They’re being donated tomorrow.  It’s an entire leaf size garbage bag full.  It felt really good to say goodbye to size 26 and 3X. Someone who needs them will have them, now, and I do consider that a big deal, because plus-size clothes are expensive.  They’re going to Big Brothers/Big Sisters.

In addition, I bagged up four other bags of clothing that is too small, but I don’t like the clothes. They are leftovers from my last big weight loss, and my strategy is different, now. Then, I was focused on a goal, and refused to buy clothes unless they were second-hand or off the clearance rack, because I considered my interim weights to be temporary and not worth spending much money on.  In retrospect, I was punishing myself.  So, I went through the clothes I’d kept that were too small, and opted to donate the ones that I don’t like.  That was four more garbage bags worth.  Why keep things that I didn’t like, or are woefully out of style?

This time around, while I am keeping spending on clothes at a minimum, I’m viewing things differently. The clothes that I have which are too small are ones which I really liked and are still in style. I’m only buying more clothes if I have necessities (think bras, underwear!), if there’s a problem with having enough of a certain kind of clothes for a season (like shorts in the right size), or I just find a piece of clothing I really like.  Everything I have, now, is something I like. This is part of accepting who I am right now, at this given moment.

I’m not taking my eyes off the goal; but I’m also not punishing myself for not being there, yet.  I want to feel good about myself at every stage, and this plan is working well.

Week 48: Weight Updated – 56 Pounds Down

Mar9

Record Breaker

See that? 56 pounds down!  Let’s see… that looks a lot like this 56 pound record-breaking catfish.  That’s a bunch of Lisa, gone missing, and the rest of Lisa is in no hurry to track it down, either. In fact, more can get lost — and will.

Now, mind you, I broke a rule of mine by weighing today. My goal jeans and shirt are not yet a fit; in fact, the fit of the jeans hasn’t changed much over the last month or so. Slightly, but certainly not enough to consider them wearable.

Still, it’s been over three months since I last weighed, and thanks to a few friends who pointed out that it might give me a mental boost to see how much more I’ve lost, I decided to do it. (I will weigh again when the jeans are a fit.)  They were right; although I played some mental games with myself, it does feel good to know what I’ve accomplished. 56 pounds. That’s what I’ve accomplished.

Compared to my last effort, I’m doing great. I’ve busted through the low I had, then, of 284; now I’m at 278, and I started this time at a higher weight. I lost a total of 28 pounds before I gave it up last time (after 15 weeks); I’ve doubled that loss this time around.

Although it’s slow loss, I’m proving to myself that I can do this.  I’m so much better off right now than I was a year ago.  I can move better, and I feel a lot better, both physically and mentally. Although I’m still far above what my body is in dreams, and I still look in the mirror and don’t like what I see, I have made bunches of progress.

Those around me have been slow to notice, but with slow weight loss, people just don’t. They get used to seeing you at one weight, and unless you drop an alarming amount quickly, I think most people are hesitant to ask if you’ve been losing weight at the risk of offending. While a few months ago it would have helped my ego for people to notice, I think that I’m strong enough now to not need that.  (Which means that now that I don’t need to hear it, I will!)

In a little less than a month, I will have a year of successful weight loss behind me. A year.  I know I’m in a good period at the moment, and I’m looking forward to it lasting. At least for me, when I start a weight loss effort, that first day/week/month is tough.  During those days, I think a lot about how long the road is in front of me and how tough it’s going to be.  The negatives loom large, because in the beginning, that’s all I can see; even though the thought of gaining health and losing weight is exciting and positive, it’s very difficult to look at how far away I’ve deviated and not constantly beat myself up for allowing my life to go backwards.

But with nearly a year behind me and progress to show for my efforts, I’m a lot more hopeful.  I have a clothing drawer full of clothes that are intentionally too small, so I can look at them and get excited about being in that new size soon. I’ve lost enough weight for me to really feel the changes, and with so much time invested, I am in no mind to give up. I’m further down the road, and pleased with where I am. I know that it’ll be a couple more years before I’m at the point where I’d like to live the rest of my life, but I’m a lot closer to that now than I was nearly a year ago.

Week 45: Goal Pants, and Rate of Weight Loss

Feb20

Yeesh! I’m doing a poor job of keeping this blog up to date, and I need to do better with it.

Last Friday, I tried on goal pants and shirt. It had been two weeks since I tried either of them on; the previous week, I felt like I was bloated after being sick all week, so I opted not to try them on.  Also, because of a nice round of sinusitis, I was out of the pool for the majority of two weeks.

So, I didn’t expect great things when I tried on the pants and shirt. Surprise! The pants buttoned and zipped pretty easily.  They’re still a bit tight in the upper thighs; they lack about an inch or so from fitting well in the crotch.  Regardless, there was a noticeable difference in fit.  The same with the shirt; it’s a long sleeve button-down shirt, and there was no button gap at the bra area.  The problem is mostly in upper arms, where it’s still noticeably snug. If it weren’t for that, this shirt would be *just about* wearable.

I’d love to be able to wear at least the jeans on my trip to Vegas, which is in a little more than two months.  They are size 22.  I’ve been wearing another pair of size 22 jeans the last few days; they fit nicely, but must be at the upper size range of fit for size 22.  Regardless, I started dieting when I was in the upper size range of 26, and they were a tight fit.  In fact, it would be pretty awesome if I could get on the plane to Vegas and not have to ask for a seat belt extender. That’s always embarrassing.

On to a related subject: are people noticing my weight loss?  Well, no, not really.  My last weigh-in, which was in November, was 44 pounds down.  I’m probably at least 60 pounds down, now.  Other than a mention at the gym by someone who knows I’m trying to lose, as well as the occasional mention by someone else who also knows I’m trying to lose, no one has said a word.  Not even my husband.

Months ago, I did have some head games going on about when people would notice, because I felt like I could get away with sabotaging myself up to that point.  I’m pretty focused on my efforts at the moment, so at least for now, sabotage (for that reason!) isn’t really a factor.  I’m not going to kid: it would be nice for someone to occasionally notice the effort I’m making.

However, I think one of the major head games I played with myself when I lost 140 pounds years ago was that I lost it fast enough for people to notice, and then for people to barely recognize me.  Because of that, my weight loss was often the topic of conversation.  I became defined by my weight loss as much as I’d previously been defined by my weight.  Friends, when you are seriously the largest person in the room, no one may say anything, but you know it, they know it, and it defines you.  When you lose a big chunk of that, it defines you even more.

I really don’t want to be defined by my weight, although I know that currently, I am.  I really don’t want to be defined by loss, either, so losing it as slowly as I am, without notice, is okay by me.

Week 41: Goal Pants, Keeping Promises

Jan20

I tried on the goal pants, this morning, for the first time in two weeks. I also picked out a new goal shirt.

The pants?  A slight bit of progress, there: I was able to button and zip them without laying down on a bed and sucking in my gut to my backbone. 😀  Yeah, actually, that’s probably better than “slight”.  I also wore them long enough to take some progress pics in them, since the pics aren’t obscene, now.  When I first picked these pants, there was no way I could take pics in them; not unless I was willing to show everyone the fit of my underwear — front and back.  A simply terrifying thought, all the way around.  I probably have a good 10-15 pounds to go — all below the waist — to have a nice, comfy fit in them.

The new try-on shirt is a button-down long sleeve shirt I’ve had for a long time. Size 18-20.  Right now, it’ll button, but it’s pretty snug, and the upper arms are quite tight. I just about can’t get the sleeve all the way on.  This makes it tighter across the chest area than it would be if the sleeves fit, so I should see some decent progress on the shirt as my upper arms decrease in size.

As a bonus, I tried on a couple other pair of size 22 pants that I’d thrown in the doesn’t-fit-yet drawer.  One is a pair of stretchy corduroys.  I have a hard time, when I put on pants that are stretchy, knowing whether they really fit or not, because the stretch in them makes them look tight to me, but they feel comfy.  I decided to wear these pants for a while to see if they magically grow; they are perfectly comfortable right now, but I think the stretch in them shows off my bumpy legs.  The other pants I tried on are a pair of capris that I wore probably four years ago.  Easy fit.  This is nice reinforcement, and as I posted on Monday, I need that.

I mentioned earlier that I took some progress pics; this was part of several promises I made to myself at the beginning of the week.  I felt it would give me a brain-boost if I could take the progress pics in the goal jeans and shirt; both because I need progress indicators as these clothes begin to fit right, and because it’s been two months since my last pics, and I need to compare.  I’m betting I see a difference.  So I’m glad I kept that promise.

Another promise was to quit slacking about trying on my goal clothes. Not seeing progress put me in an apathetic mindset that was up to me to break.  I expected to see no progress at all in fit, and am pleased that there appears to be a little bit of change.

Another was to stay on track all week, which meant keeping up with exercise goals of 5 times a week, eating properly, and being productive.  I have done all three so far this week; all my exercise sessions are complete for the week, for the first time since before the Christmas holiday.  I usually don’t have problems with food during the week, and routinely come in under my carb/calorie goals; it’s the weekends that have been a problem. I have let my guard down and I need to be a bit more diligent.  Since today’s Friday, that promise starts today.

I mentioned being more productive, above; while that doesn’t directly tie into a success mindset for gaining health, I believe it helps mentally.  If I’m not getting done what I should, I feel bad, and that contributes to apathy.  If I can go to bed each night feeling as if I accomplished my goals for that day, I feel much better.

All in all, it’s been a good week.

Week 41: Regrounding Myself

Jan16

I think, from time to time, it pays to review what you’re doing and whether you’re staying true to the program and the intent.  Those things are related to goals, which I think are supremely important; why get in a car and drive if you don’t know where you’re going? The same holds true for keeping yourself on course, for diet and exercise.

I haven’t been as good as I could be on the weekends. I’ve let the amount of carbs I’ve been eating to creep up.  I can tell, because a tried-and-true result of too many carbs in my system is that I have strong hunger the first day I’m back to my low carb/low calorie course.  I tried to ignore that during the holidays, and then told myself I’d improve now that the holidays are over.  Well, they’re over, and I didn’t improve this past weekend, or the weekend before it.  And the plain facts are — I have a goal, and I can’t get to that goal if I’m going to piddle around with the map.

I also can’t do it if I’m not going to put in 100% effort on exercise.  This last week started with me telling myself that I would work out five times during the week.  The final total? Three times. I let other things get in my way far too easily.  I have to commit myself to working out whenever possible, because exercise has made a tremendous improvement in my day to day life, and I would be a fool to slack off on it now.

I’m also willing to admit that I made a mistake in judgment.  I knew that the holidays would add a challenge to my plan.  The mistake was in not finding a good system of measurement to help me through the holidays.  I have my black goal pants that I’m working toward, but because there’s such a big size difference between them and the last pair of goal pants, I haven’t had the positive reinforcement of knowing, for sure, that what I’m doing is working.  Honestly, I could have really used that, especially since it’s been two months since I’ve hit a goal, and the pants are tight enough that I know it will likely be at least another month before there’s a chance that they’ll fit well enough to declare a goal.

That’s three months of no positive reinforcement.  Because I have lost so slowly, and for the most part can still wear many of the clothes that I wore when I started this diet, very few people have commented on my weight loss.  My brain is taking this information and whispering your goal jeans aren’t anywhere close to fitting, no one’s noticing your loss, and you can’t be sure about your loss yourself.  No measurable success = failure.  Why are you doing this, again?

This is just how my brain works, and since it’s been my brain for the last 50 years (oy!), I should know by now when the voice of doubt will be its strongest, and that’s where I’m at.  I have strong days and weak days.  I need more strong days.  And I need to keep pushing so I do see some measurable results, and soon.

I have already promised myself that I will finally take progress pics with the black pants on this Friday, since that’s my normal try-on day.  I should be able to tell by photos what I already know, and that’s that there has been a loss since my last goal pants.  Heck, I’m wearing them right now, and they are comfortable.  The black pants wouldn’t come anywhere near closing or zipping when I ended up selecting them.

I’m going to keep the black pants as goal pants; they’re at the fitting point where I’m most of the way there.  I just need to persevere, and I need to be careful about how I select my next method of measurement.