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Week 5: Love Yourself

Oct4

Yes, I’m aware of how trite the title is; it’s an overused phrase, and those who say that sort of narcissism is partly to blame for a lot of the ills of this world are likely right.

But stick with me, here. I’m not talking about the sort of “Love Yourself” that compels people to pucker up for duck lip photos in the bathroom mirror and post them on Facebook. I’m talking about the message of “Love Yourself” that people, like me, need to consider and hear more often.

This is a multi-faceted issue for me.

I still have a lot of mental sludge from my childhood. I know this; I recognize it, and I don’t see it as an excuse for anything — merely an explanation of behaviors that get triggered as an adult. I admit this is probably something I should seek therapy for, as my methods to date haven’t worked.

My particular brand of sludge came from my father. I know he was an inconsiderate jerk of a man; a sociopath, very self-centered, and unfortunately, charismatic. A lot of people over the years believed his particular brand of BS because they were drawn in by that magnetism, only to get burned by it. He was not a nice person at all.

As an adult, I know this. I’ve made my peace with it. I know that the things he said and did to me in my childhood were garbage. I know, above all, that he was 100% wrong, too. This wasn’t  just about my weight as a child; this was also about my value as a daughter to him and to my family. He was an arrogant bastard who was raised to believe women were nothing, and that’s how he treated me.

I hungered for praise and attention from him. I had two older brothers who were offered rewards for good grades in school; I only know that the offer was made. I don’t know that he followed through with it, because by nature, he often (intentionally?) forgot his promises. Still, I was never made that offer — and I was an exemplary student. Everything I attempted, I tried to excel at, and often did — only to receive absolutely no recognition from him. This also included any sort of parental support, from assistance with homework to attendance at school functions. He never did anything for me unless there was something in it for him.

I wanted his approval. I saw him give approval to my brothers, even if it was on a limited and selfish basis to them, as well. I yearned for it, and when my brothers were finally gone from home, I thought he would finally pay me some attention; and he did, but it was negative. His treatment of me was full of criticism and mistrust.

I know, now, that the way he treated me was not my fault. But there’s still a 16 year old that remembers having to walk outside to meet a date because I didn’t want him to meet my father, who laid on the couch in the evenings, often with his belt undone. There’s a 17 year old who was told she couldn’t date until she was legally old enough to be responsible for anything that might happen. (Mind you, anyone who knows me from those years would likely bust a gut at the thought that I might be anything other than very quiet and reserved.) Or the 16 year old that was offered $100 if I would lose enough weight to look like a mannequin that happened to be wearing an outfit I’d commented on in his presence.

 

I won’t continue with the examples; I’m not looking for condemnation of him, or sympathy.  I know he was wrong, and I don’t need anyone to agree with me. He passed away years ago, and I made my peace with him before his death, but that damage is still there. That overwhelming sense of not being good enough is still deeply entrenched, regardless of how hard I try, and it’s that inner voice that happily chimes in and reminds me that I’m not good enough when I’m not getting the results I want. Not just in weight loss, either; in anything.

It just seems to be the strongest when it comes to weight loss.

 

This seems to manifest itself in two ways; I tell myself that the opinions others have of me does not matter. That I am strong enough, and determined enough, to value my own judgments and succeed. If I tell myself that enough times, I believe it (at least temporarily), and it actually works.

But only to a point. I do care. I am sensitive to the approval of others. I want validation, and when I don’t get it, I feel like the teenager who tried her best and got ignored — again. This makes me vain, I realize. It also makes me want to make sure everyone on God’s Green Earth knows that I wasn’t always fat. That I have made supreme and successful efforts in the past when it comes to weight loss — as if I have something to prove to anyone else, when I really don’t.

I fear perceptions. I worry that when people read, here, what my real weight is, that they devalue what I have to say, who I am, who I was, what I want to accomplish. I am horribly embarrassed to be seen as a failure; not only by people I know, but people I don’t know. I can feel my anxiety level going up just writing about this.

Not good enough.

So I do things to convince myself I was/am worthy. I look for that validation. I can be very obsessive-compulsive about things, to the point where I cause my own failures. These feelings of unworthiness are amplified the heavier I am, so right now, they’re through the roof.

I know I have to work through them. My own logic tells me that I’m probably pretty average when I view other people. If someone’s overweight, I might note it, but I don’t hold it against them. If I see someone I knew from years ago and they’ve put on weight, I might notice it (along with graying hair or other physical characteristics), but I don’t see it as any sort of personality flaw or value judgment. I only see what made them my friend in the first place, and that rarely has anything to do with looks; much more with how that person made me feel when they were around.

So, it’s definitely dysfunctional that I automatically assume that other people view me in any different light. I know that. I have to work on it, especially times like now, where I grow impatient with progress (for absolutely no reason; I’m actually doing quite well) and that sense of unworthiness arrives right on time.

 

I know I need to work on the concept of “Love Yourself”; not in a vain way, but in forgiving self-acceptance. Last week, I talked about the “Blerch”; now, I realize that “Blerch” for me is “Walt” (My father’s name). I always knew that, but I confess that I thought I had that issue beat.

Whoever or whatever your “Blerch” is, it’s time to have a serious talk with it.

 

17 pound baby girl.

As for weight loss this week (did you think I forgot?), I had my monthly review. I’ve completed one successful month on plan and lost 16.2 pounds. I’m happy with that.I’m also happy to report that some of the physical problems that moved me to give weight loss another try are improving. I’ve had some IBS-related issues that seem to be clearing up. I’ve done better about drinking all my water and taking all my prescriptions and supplements; I’m horrible about taking them.

I’m now at 17 pounds down. I’ve had my ups and downs these last couple weeks, including a temporary gain of water weight; I’m glad to see that I’m down this week. As I’ve said before, I’m fighting for every single pound, and I have seen the weight drop since last week in fractions of pounds.

That’s a 17 pound baby. Ouch! I’ll be glad when I’ve lost enough weight to use examples of weight loss that aren’t fish or babies. 😉

Week 4: Water, Water Everywhere

Sep27

This past week, I hit a speed bump. I’ve been pretty happy for the past 3+ weeks to have lost a nice amount of weight (15 pounds before this week; see the update on that, below), and to only have seen losses on the scale.

I know, though, that at some point, that would change, and that’s the detriment of weighing daily; no matter what I feel like otherwise, that number on the scale does destructive things to my brain. My evil negative-talking alter ego jumps out and starts feeding on my insecurities.

From a purely physiological standpoint, I know that I’m on track with my diet. If a calorie is a calorie is a calorie (a subject I have some opinions about, but I’ll leave for another day), it takes 3500 calories over and above what your body needs to maintain itself in order to gain one pound of fat. While I am on a low carb plan, I also pay attention to calories. I track my food and water intake religiously.

So, last weekend, when the scale drifted up two pounds, I knew I hadn’t overeaten 7000 calories that added on a little over two pounds in just as many days. What I was carrying was water weight. I could feel the bloat and the discomfort in my joints. Historically, my body has gained up to fifteen pounds of excess water weight, and let me tell you — that’s extremely painful. In the grand scheme of things, those two additional pounds were just something to watch and take note of. I adapted by making sure I fully hydrated each day, because the body may retain fluids when it’s dehydrated.

Everything else was below the threshold I set for myself in order to lose weight. I didn’t deviate. So, the extra weight was water, and in time, the water would filter out of my body.

Logically, anyway.

 

But that’s when my bad brain starts kicking me around.

“Oh, sure, it’s water weight! You did something wrong. You failed. You’re lying to yourself.”

“Every morning when you step on the scale, you’re making it worse. What you’re doing isn’t working. Why are you making this effort if it isn’t going to work?”

“Is that whole ‘water retention’ theory even legit? How long are you going to let yourself continue to gain weight from ‘water retention’ before you do something about it, like go get a diuretic to get rid of it? How do you know, for sure, it’s water?”

“Making excuses already? Do you even believe this crap you tell yourself?”

The negative self-talk is a huge problem for me. I’m writing this blog on Thursday night; tomorrow morning, Friday, is my official weigh-in day, and I haven’t been below my lowest weight since last Friday. There’s a diseased part of me that wants desperately to wake up in the morning and not only see a two pound loss of the water I gained, but a couple more pounds loss in addition, so I can report at least a two pound loss this week. I’m that competitive — with myself, telling myself that if I can’t achieve that simple number, I’m failing.

And worse: if I’m failing, I should give up.

 

Because I’ve done that every single time before — and giving up worked so well for me. (*insert eye roll*) It’s dumb to give up and give in to that voice, and I know it. Sometimes that voice is just a little whisper, and sometimes it screams at me. Sometimes, I imagine it even comes out of other people’s mouths, actions, or attitudes when they do or say something that I perceive as criticism of my weight.

Matthew Inman, author of The Oatmeal comics, even addressed this in one of his comics; he calls it The Blerch (http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running). This is a must-read if you’re working on getting healthier; his description of The Blerch is pretty close to that nasty voice that plagues me at times when I’m vulnerable.

I accept that the voice exists, and while I acknowledge it, that doesn’t mean I’m going to give in. No, logic has to prevail when I reach the inevitable speed bump, like I did this week. I have to shut out the voice.

 

It’s Friday morning, now. The weigh-in: I’m still at 15 pounds down, so it’s unchanged for the week. The good news is that the difference in weight is only .2 pounds up from last week; higher, but the water weight is decreasing. I’ll take that. I’d love to report a higher number for pounds lost, but that will come in time.

Next week will complete one month on plan; I’ll be measuring, taking photos again, and reviewing how things have gone. At this point, if 15 pounds turns out to be the final for the month, I’m okay with it: that’s 15 pounds that used to be attached to my body and isn’t, anymore.

Week 3: Daily Life

Sep20

Good news, my friends: I’m 15 pounds down, now — 15.2 as of this morning, to be exact. And why not? To me, every .2 pounds counts. (My scale reads in .2 increments.)

Of course, I’d love to be about 215.2 pounds down, but I know this weight will be slow coming off; a lot slower than it went on, no doubt. Still, I’m thrilled with a three pound loss, this week, since the two week mark is typically when the initial water weight is lost and the body catches up from initial losses. Last week, I figured I’d have no loss at all this week. So, three pounds? Oh, yeah.

That’s a 15 pound sweet potato, folks. My body is now missing 15 pounds it had, before.

I want and need to remember to be happy about every single pound gone, and not get in a hurry about things. I know I have a tough, long fight ahead of me, and so far, it’s been quite easy; but then, the beginning of diets usually are. It’s when the stalls, plateaus, cravings, and mental hurdles arrive that it becomes tough.

Right now, I’m focusing on living my life realistically while I wait for the larger loss. There are considerations in my life that even moderately heavy people don’t tend to worry about; I will be happy when these things are no longer a factor. One of my big fears is going somewhere public and hoping they have chairs that can accommodate my weight. We’re going to such a place tomorrow; it’ll be a gorgeous fall day and we’ll be at a restaurant, with friends, where we typically like to sit out on the deck and enjoy the weather. But — they have plastic chairs outside, and I fear sitting in one and breaking it.

That’s a real fear, by the way; there’s a diner in my little town, and they have 60’s and 70’s style tables and chairs — the kind most of us middle-aged folks saw in our homes, growing up. These aren’t standard-issue restaurant chairs, in other words. I was a lot smaller than I am, now, and managed to bust one to pieces a couple years ago.

Embarrassed? Oh.hayell.YES.

Along with embarrassment comes the real possibility of getting hurt. The impact of a falling 350+ body on an arm put out to brace the fall, for example, can cause some damage. I fear that. I fear falling of any kind. I’m looking forward to the day when I’m low enough in weight that a simple fall, which happens to all of us, no longer scares me.

I also fear events for similar reasons, and I have several such events coming up. Because of my extreme weight, walking is painful; I have severe arthritis, which means every step is bone grinding on bone. This isn’t as bad when I weigh less, but right now, it’s agony; and yet, I’m torn, because I don’t want to be the one that holds back my husband or friends from activities. I dread and fear them, not only because of the pain of walking, but because I get out of breath easily, sweat, and need frequent sitting breaks; things my husband, family, friends do not need — and I don’t think they understand, either.

An aside: I don’t take myself out of events because I’m fat and lazy. I take myself out of them because they are extremely painful for me. While there’s a difference, I don’t consider either one a valid excuse, but that doesn’t stop me from becoming anxious and embarrassed about doing things other people find easy, like walking or just standing and talking.

The good news for me, and what I keep reminding myself of in these early weeks, is that I’m doing something to change that. My first major event is in less than a month, and while I’m both fearful and excited to go, I also know that because I’m making an effort now, it will be easier for me during that event and the ones to follow. While 15 pounds isn’t even 5% of my body weight, it’s still weight gone, and it still makes a difference.

Every single pound makes a difference. Every single fraction of a pound is that much less weight that’s pushing down on my knees, that much less fat that’s crowding my internal organs, that much less of a burden for me to carry when I’m living my daily life. Every .2 pounds less I weigh changes the chances of me breaking a chair. 😉

I often get frustrated when I think about how much weight I have to lose; how many jeans/dresses/tops I have, waiting for me to drop any number of pounds; how it’s changed my life to something I totally abhor; how great a feeling it was to have weighed so much less, and what I could do, back then. Instead, I need to remember that the changes I’m making, today, have an impact today, as well as in the future.

Putting in the effort today makes today better — and tomorrow even greater.

Week 2: Back in the Game

Sep13

I’m past the ten day mark in my diet, now — and while that certainly doesn’t seem like a long time at all, there have been plenty of times when I’ve meant to make a commitment to healthier eating and haven’t made it this far. Those times, I really wasn’t ready, and I think you have to be in the right mindset to successfully start any sort of a weight loss program.

12 pounds of bowling ball!

I’m feeling pretty good, and when I did my weigh-in this morning, I was pleasantly surprised to find 12 pounds gone. In fact, this surpassed my hopes; I was hoping for a 10 pound loss, since I was at 9.6 pounds down just yesterday. 12? I’ll take it! Passing 10-pound increments, whether it’s in loss or in weight, gives me a happy little dieter’s thrill.

I’ve had a few challenges over the past week; weekends are tough, and so are networking events like the one I had last night. Our company attended a Chamber of Commerce event that included a catered meal, and rather than risk whether there would be appropriate food available, I brought a couple of Atkins bars with me. (I’m on a low carb plan.) I made it through the evening without beating myself up for bad food choices — because I didn’t make them to begin with. Maybe the scale’s kindness to me, this morning, was karma. 😉

Generally speaking, I’m feeling pretty good; just eating cleanly will often take care of some issues in pretty short order. For instance, I have IBS issues, and eating low carb helps. I’m not carrying as much water weight, so my joints aren’t hurting as much as they were. I’m starting to feel a difference in how my clothes fit.

At this point, I’m excited, and I like being in that state of mind, because often, I begin weight loss efforts with a “fake it ‘til you make it” attitude. I feel more ready for this challenge than I have in a very long time, and although I haven’t really noticed great changes yet, I feel very good just for having started the effort. I feel like I’m doing something for myself that I can be proud of, rather than constantly mentally flogging myself for not choosing healthier options.

That feeling of accomplishment is truly what I need.

Y2, Week 13: Be a Scientist

Jun29

Last week, I talked about making several adjustments to my regimen. I’m thrilled to say that it appears I’m having a good bit of success. This is why it’s important to evaluate and change what you’re doing,  especially if you have a lot of weight to lose. What worked at 334 pounds wasn’t working so well at 271, and I expect that the changes I’m making today may not be as effective — or effective, at all — at 210. I had to get out of what has become safe and comfortable for me in order to see results.

My intention was to give the Atkins Fat Fast a shot, because it would be an indicator to me that I’m on the right track regarding insulin resistance. In my mind, I was fidgeting about when to start, because really, it’s not a picnic. But as luck would have it, I woke up with an upset stomach on Tuesday, and figured what the heck, I might as well try it since I’m limiting foods, anyway. WIN.

I weighed in on Monday morning at 282, 11 pounds above my low weight of 271. I knew part of that was water weight from the weekend. Tuesday morning started the fat fast. As of this morning, I am down 9.5 pounds since Monday; 7 of that during the fat fast of a whole three days. Realistically, I know probably more than half of that weight is water weight; but if even a pound or two of it is real weight lost, it’s a success.

The skeptical among you might be thinking that anyone should lose weight on a 1000 calorie a day regimen; and that it’s calories in, calories out that matters. I would agree with you — partially. The reason why I don’t wholly buy into the calories are all that count methodology is because my normal daily caloric intake is between 1200 and 1300. A deficit of 200-300 calories a day, over a three day period, should not have resulted in even one pound of loss. I’ll even add that I did not exercise on those days when I normally do, so if you calculate an offset for exercise (which I don’t) on my normal eating days, I was probably eating roughly 1000 calories before the fat fast.

The difference is the high proportion of fat with a great reduction in both carbs and protein. (This is why the fat fast is only recommended for a 3-5 day course; it lacks good nutrition.) The absence of carbs and protein forces an insulin-resistant body to go to stored fat for energy more so than it does in the presence of carbs and protein. I forget the exact proportions, but I believe that water weight is linked to body fat, as it is to glycogen, which is the body’s glucose stores. As you burn glycogen/release fat, you also release water, so the two go together.

I also have changed up my supplement regimen.  Years ago, I took supplements recommended by Atkins for those who are metabolically resistant; chromium, CO-Q10, l-carnitine, to name a few. I stopped taking them for financial reasons, and that may have been part of why I ended up putting weight back on. I am now taking them again, and while I believe it’ll take a few weeks to a month to have a full effect, I think they are part of the reason why the fat fast was so effective.

I think the combo of the change in supplements, in addition to the Fat Fast, have helped me get down to 1.5 pounds away from my low. Having done this experiment, I’m now looking to adjustments in my overall program, including increasing the amount of fat I include in my regular eating. I’d gotten away from high fats because of calories, and that was perhaps a mistake for me. I’m going to make a point to include more (healthy) fats in my diet, and I’m also going to do at least a modified fat fast 1-2 times a month.

I’ll also add that I have further reduced the prescriptions I take. I phased out an HRT and an anti-depressant several months ago (late March), and have now reduced arthritis meds in half. So far, my body has only had minor objections. As I continue to lose weight, I hope to alleviate daily use of arthritis medications.

I did not put on goal pants, since I’m not back down to the goal which moved me to those pants. I’m hoping to have dipped down to a new low in the weeks to come.

 

Y2, Week 11.5: Doctor’s Visit, Head Games

Jun19

I may have mentioned in a previous blog that my longtime doctor died a couple months ago.  This was while he was working at trying to balance out my thyroid meds. This left me with a decision to make: it’s tough going to a new doctor when you have extreme weight issues, because there’s still that ever-present mindset that you’re just not trying hard enough.

I went to a new doctor today.  Thyroid tests have been taken, and we’ll see if there are adjustments needed when the results are in, probably in a couple of days. On the good side of things, he seemed receptive and did the right things.  Plus, my blood pressure, which I have been monitoring since the last visit, has gone down, even though I tend to have white coat hypertension. (See a doc or nurse, and BP goes sailing upward!)

The bad side is that I weighed in this morning at 280.5, which is 9.5 pounds up from my low.  This frustrated me, for more than the obvious reasons; oddly, I have felt like I was losing, not gaining, although I do feel somewhat bloated. I had recently gone down a bra cup size, and here the scale is, reporting that I’m up, not down. WTF, indeed?

And I admit — when I see that number go up despite having stuck to my guns, it makes me want to say “screw it” and enjoy the foods I really like, etc.

You’ll be happy to know that I didn’t do that. Because, really, there has been good news; it’s just that my mind is so focused on weight that I immediately wanted to dismiss all other pluses as secondary, as if the weight gain were a verdict saying “try harder, loser”.   The good things include good progress at lowering my blood pressure without aid of prescription drugs, being otherwise pronounced healthy and “boring”. (I’ll take that kind of boring any old time, thanks.)

Plus, I got a new knee brace this week. It’s another custom brace like my last one; it’s breaking in nicely, and I’ll soon be strolling around the neighborhood with it. I did a lot of walking on Saturday, and had minimal knee pain. Friends, this is what I was hoping for — the alleviation of pain so I can continue to lose by exercising, and by just plain moving.

Alas, I’m going to make a temporary change: and that is, I will be weighing daily for a while, in hopes of seeing enough of a loss on the scale that I’ll be back at my 271 pound low.  At this point, I want to document any trends, and it will perhaps give my doctor more information for finding the keys to solving my hormonal imbalances.

As several friends have pointed out, the solution when you’re not seeing success is never to intentionally fail by giving up.

Y2, Week 10: Goal Pants, PUI

Jun8

1. The goal pants are still snug. Not surprising, really. I also tried on the goal shirt, and I can tell where I’ve lost my weight, recently: in the chest, and maybe a little bit in the arms. It’s fitting well through the torso but upper arms are still tight. Not as tight as before, though.

Stuff just shifts while you’re losing weight; it’s never consistent over the whole body. I’ve lost a band size and a cup size when it comes to bras: I started at a 42DD and am now at a 40D. The drop in cup size happened within the last 6 weeks or so, when I realized that the girls were rolling around in my bra cups like marbles in a couple of cans. Well, okay, not quite *that* drastic, but drastic enough. So, I know I’m losing weight: it’s just not from the waist down at the moment.

2. PUI: Posting Under the Influence. This is a pretty sure sign that I’m effectively low carbing… there’s something about low carb that makes you a cheap drunk. I’ve had 1.5 drinks of Baja Bob’s and a shot of tequila. I’m currently wastin’ away in Margaritaville, but I’m not PUI enough to have lost the salt shaker. 🙂  If you do low carb/low calorie and don’t know what Baja Bob’s is, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Because of this, I probably won’t make this a very long entry.

Other stuff: I’ve gotten back into walking around the block this week. My knees have done quite well since taking orthovisc injections, and to further the good news, I have a new brace on order, and it’ll likely be in next week. My goal between these two things is to be more mobile so I can walk my neighborhood more, be more active overall, and hopefully lose enough weight (I figure 30-4o more pounds) so I don’t need the brace at all. I barely need it now, except that sometimes my right knee shifts and becomes quite painful. So, I’m going to give this a try.

I started back to strength training this week, too. Just some light work on machines for now. I think it’s a step in a really good direction.

Until next week — Cheers!

Y2, Week 9: Goal Pants, Chin Up

Jun1

I admit it: I’ve been struggling. It’s mental crap, again; stuff I just really need to figure out, deal with, and get out of my system.  I’m a deal with it and go on type of person, so it just really frustrates the heck out of me when the same issues keep raising their heads time and time again. Obviously, I haven’t found the key, yet, to handling them.

This time, it’s back to feeling sorry for myself because I don’t see progress; or rather, I think my mind is telling me there’s no progress because it’s not being noticed. Believe me, I know exactly how childish and self-centered this is, and that I shouldn’t be losing weight for attention. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel these things on some level, and they undermine me, so I have to deal with them.

The sabotage has been subtle. It’s been letting the amount I eat and drink drift up on weekends. Not being diligent with exercise and making excuses. Not making sure there’s enough variety in my daily regimen, so I end up getting bored — and tempted. These are all normal ebb-and-flow parts of any health regimen, but my response cannot be to give up, because that makes no sense: if I’m not putting in a full effort, I can’t expect results, and no amount of excuses will change that. Pouting because someone else is getting attention for weight loss that’s a fraction of mine is just silly.

The result of this kind of thinking is a petulance that demands I just forget the whole thing, that I feel sorry for myself because over a year of effort hasn’t meant squat. That I just stop making the effort.

Which is, of course, the dumbest thing in the world that I could possibly do. If you’re digging a hole and it doesn’t seem like you’re making progress, the solution is never to stop digging. Regardless of what my perception is right this moment, regardless of whether or not I think I’m making progress, stopping the effort and giving up isn’t going to produce the desired results; in fact, I’d likely gain the weight I’ve lost back.

It is entirely about perception. We all have great days, and we all have fat days. I need to recognize the fat days and just move on; the great days will come, and they will be more often the more effort I make, because I have made progress. A lot of it. Just because it’s been gradual enough for people to not notice doesn’t negate it.  In fact, despite my dumb brain telling me otherwise, it’s what I want, and what’s best for me mentally. Losing a whole bunch of weight in a relatively short amount of time did bad things to my brain years ago; I both thrived on the attention and despised it.

I have to remember to be diligent. Instead of just thinking “screw it, I’m done with this!”, I have to reevaluate where I’m at and what I need to do to help myself.  For right now, that means a few things:

Being more attentive on the weekends. I let myself go from moderate carbs/calories on weekends to allowing treats that I shouldn’t be eating, or eating/drinking until I’m beyond full, which will only stretch my stomach back out. I need to quit blowing Monday and Tuesday because I’ve over-indulged on Saturday and Sunday.

Adding variety back to my diet. It’s very easy for me to drift to a norm of low carb eating: meat, eggs, not much else. I’m convinced that what’s made a difference for me this time around is making sure I have a lot of variety in my eating, including lots of fruits and veggies. When I get lazy in my eating, I get away from those things.

Changing up my exercise routine. I dearly need some change, if for no other reason than my mental health. I’m burned out on water workouts at the moment.  I’m going to change focus for a bit and try to add walking into my regimen — slowly. I’m also going to start adding strength training into it as well, and perhaps alternate with water workouts so I don’t feel like I’m just spinning my wheels.

I’m also going to quit avoiding trying on my goal pants, which I’ve done the last couple of weeks. I need to remember what they feel and look like, because that mental marker is important. I tried my pants on first thing this morning, and truly, I don’t think I’ve gone forwards or backwards since the last time, but I need to kick the idea of “no progress” to the curb, because I know darned well that it’s very easy for me to go backwards and gain weight. Not losing isn’t ideal, but it’s a hell of a lot better than not gaining, and that’s a victory, too.

Y2, Week 7: Goal Pants and Creaky Knees

May20

Goal pants: I didn’t try them on this week. My head wasn’t in the best of places on Friday after getting on the scale and seeing a four pound gain when I haven’t been on the scale since March, a good 6 weeks ago. I had to wrap my head around that whole “you GAINED?!” thing and put it in perspective.

Now, those of you that have followed the blog know that I don’t weigh unless a reach a certain goal — or I’m heading to the doc. In this case, it was the doc.  While my orthopedist doesn’t weigh me, I wanted to talk to the doc about getting a new knee brace, since the one I have doesn’t fit anymore. I figured that having a number reference would be a good thing, but in the long run, it was a mistake to weigh.

For one thing, the person I saw at the doc’s office didn’t care about the beginning and end numbers; she just referred me to the brace fitter and said if they can’t make my current one work, the office would write a new prescription for one. And more importantly, seeing a gain on the scale didn’t do me any good, no matter how much I told myself that the scale doesn’t matter.

My clothes are fitting better overall, so I’m going to just tuck the gain in the back of my brain and use it as a reminder that I need to check myself on occasion. I have been letting weekends get away from me when it comes to raising my carbs and calories, and I needed to clean it up. This weekend, I’ve been doing much better. So perhaps that’s the kick in the seat that I needed.  I’m a couple months out from my next fitness challenge, so I have time to correct this.

Now, about my creaky knees: the difficulties I had in Vegas served to push me to a decision I’d been putting off.  For the past several years, I’ve been takinginjections in my knees.  I can get them every 6 months, but weight loss has helped my knees a lot, so this time, it’s been a year. I started the series on Friday, and it’ll finish off in a couple of weeks.

The other thing I did was decide to see if I can have my brace redone.  The  brace I have was custom fitted for my leg, and once again, since losing 63 pounds, the brace no longer fits. It slides down my leg when I wear it, and because I’ve dropped from size 26 pants to size 22, the pants won’t fit over the top of the brace. (This brace has a titanium metal bar that forms the outside of it, and it’s formed to my leg — as it was.)  I figure that if the brace can be reordered in a smaller configuration, that will last me another 30-40 pounds.  At that point, I don’t think I’ll need it. I’ve only put it on a couple of times since last November, and even then, it didn’t fit very well.

The purpose of doing these two items is to increase my mobility. The more weight I lose, the better my mobility gets. The better my mobility is, the more I can do. And I need that. I was originally seeing both items as somehow “giving in”, but that’s just backward thinking. If they help me progress so I can continue toward health and fitness, then I need to do it.

Y2, Week 6: Goal Pants, Miscellany

May11

After several weeks of not trying them on, the goal pants got a try-on this morning. It’s been long enough that I don’t really recall how they felt before, but honestly? They felt good this morning. Not a fit, yet, because they’re causing a muffin top, and I want at least some of that gone. Realistically, I have a lot of mushy fat and loose skin; I look like I have a muffin top when I’m naked. 😀  So, I just want some of it to go away, and I’ll be a happy camper with these pants.

As for the eternal shirt — I’m beginning to think of the shirt a lot like I thought of the black pants that took FOREVER to get them to fit. The problem in the shirt is the upper sleeves. I have big upper arms; I always have.  My upper arms haven’t lost weight in a while. It’s frustrating for me to put on that shirt and not feel like there’s a difference because of how the sleeves fit, so there’s part of me that wants to just hang that one up and move on.  To what, I don’t know.

I am in a better mental place than I was, last week. I’m back to believing weight loss is possible, again. My knees feel better; inflammation is down and water weight is pretty much gone. I’m pretty sure I gained a couple of real pounds in Las Vegas, and they feel like they’re gone, which is really good, considering how slow I lose and how fast I gain.

I’ve bought more clothes, lately, than I have intended to buy; a couple of maxi dresses and a top that I loved the minute I saw it. I did tell myself that I wouldn’t buy clothes unless I found something I just really loved, and I do really love these. I need to wear them. If there’s a justification, it’s that I want to feel good about myself as I lose weight instead of feeling punished by only wearing old clothes or stuff that doesn’t fit. There’s something about a maxi dress that makes me feel glamorous.

And finally… over the weeks to come, it’s time to get my thyroid numbers retested. This is a problem. I didn’t write about it here, but my doc, who I’ve had for a couple of decades, died a few weeks back of an aortic aneurysm. We were working on getting my thyroid levels balanced; now I’m not sure who to go to, because honestly, finding a doc that’s willing to play with the numbers and see how I feel — well, that’s a challenge. I’m sad because my doctor died, but I’m selfish, too; I’m more put out that I might have to go back to square one and start over with another doc. I guess I’m ahead of the game because I have existing treatment with both synthroid and cytomel.  Perhaps a new doc will see that the old doc thought it was worth a try.

I’m also returning to my orthopedic surgeon next week, for the first time in a year. I had been taking orthovisc injections in both knees, every six months, but weight loss helped enough that I didn’t feel like I needed it for a good six months past the renewal time. Well, now, I feel like I could use them, and if they make things easier for me as I continue to lose weight, great.

Finally, I’m including an inspirational video. This really hit me hard. While I’m not exactly in the same place as the man in this video, in that I’m not a combat vet and my knees were never bad enough to require the assistance he needed, we have enough in common that the video really stirs me.  Like him, things are improving for me as I work out and lose weight, and I really hope to be as fit as he is in a couple of years.  Thanks to my friend Veronica for posting it.