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Week 22: Sticking With It

Sep7

It’s weeks like this one that make me slap myself and remember to buckle down and not lose ground.

It was Labor Day weekend, and I took a third day at higher carbs and calories.  But honestly, I think I overdid it. When I went back to lower carb yesterday, I was hungry all day long, which is my body’s usual response to having eaten too many carbs recently.

Even though I know it’s not the case, I’ll get through with a stretch of days like that and then beat myself up, and feel like I’ve lost ground.  Like I’m 20 pounds heavier overnight.  That’s not true, but I think that’s where self-sabotage creeps in, and says “you’ve already blown it, now it’s going to be difficult for you to lose”, with that underlying thought that maybe it’s not worth making that kind of effort if I can’t stick to it.  All that mental baggage — because of going over on a weekend.

That’s crazy thinking.  The occasional deviation isn’t going to derail my efforts; it’s when they become regular that they cause a problem.  I went back to very low carb yesterday and stuck it out; and this morning, things are easier.  I have to remember that I make things more difficult for myself if I stray too much on a higher day.  And heck, you’d think I downed a couple dozen Snickers bars plus a gallon of ice cream… no, I had potato salad on Monday.  I had some potato chips over the weekend.  I can have those things on occasion; I just need to watch how much of them I have.

So this is Week 22, and midway through the week, I’ve already convinced myself that I won’t see a loss this week.  Once again, beating myself up.  I might see a loss; I might not, but I have to stop flogging myself. I’m just one month away from sticking with this plan for half a year, and I think that’s a lot to be proud of, and worth working for.  I’ve seen a lot of improvements and changes in the last five months, and I plan on seeing that continue.

Week 21: Goal Pants

Sep2

My goal pants continue to be *this close* to fitting.  I need a little more loss in my upper thighs, and I’ll consider them a fit.  It’s not like there’s a race or anything to get into them, although I’d love to be able to move on to the next pair by around the beginning of October, but if I do, great.  If not, I keep going.

In a follow-up to my last post, I’d like to report that I bagged up five large garbage bags of clothes.  Lots of those clothes are ones that are too small, but I never did like them, so away they go.  When I am that size, again, chances are I wouldn’t wear the clothes because they aren’t my style.  And life’s too short to be blowing time on things I don’t like. So, in the bag they went. My heart is not broken in the least, and I still have enough clothes of every size between my current size and size 16 to pretty much tide me through — with clothes that I like.

This past week, I ordered some clothes online; two tops from a brand I really like and have worn before, and a pair of capris from a brand I’ve never worn, before, but they were cheap and adding them got me free shipping. (Go ahead and laugh.  When these places put a free shipping over X amount of dollars policy in place, they had suckers like me in mind.) So, the clothes arrived yesterday, and nothing fit as expected.  The tops were both in a size that I currently wear in that brand but they don’t fit like the others; one feels like it’s a full size smaller, and the other fits a little tighter than normal.  The capris are tight.

I’m pretty much like most of the female population in that I really don’t enjoy trying on clothes.  And I’m pretty much like most of the overweight female population in being critical of myself and wanting to beat myself up when a size I thought would fit, doesn’t.  But I didn’t feel that way, yesterday.  I was okay with it.  I’m going to try them all on again, today, and make a final assessment on whether I’ll keep them until they do fit, or return them.  The funny thing?  I placed the order to get the tops, threw in the capris, and it’s the capris that I have the fewest doubts about, even though they’re too tight to wear.  That, my friends, is a mind hurdle. 😉

Week 21: Looking To The Future

Aug29

Most people do spring cleaning.  Not me.  I tend to wait until after the school year starts, and then I get that urge to put things in order.  Right now, I’m working on putting clothes in order.

Usually, I don’t like going through my clothing when I’m not in a weight loss mode; I get depressed because I’ll come across something I like, and it doesn’t fit.  Or I’ll realize that there are a lot of things that are currently in my wardrobe that I really don’t like, but I don’t want to replace because I don’t want to buy clothes in my current size.  Those of you that have gained weight probably know what I’m talking about; buying something in a larger size feels like giving up.

Going through clothing when I’m in weight loss mode is a lot more fun.  This chore has a few goals; for one, I like being able to reach into any drawer or pull any item from the closet, and know that it fits.  I’m keeping one drawer/area for goal clothes, which are within one size smaller than what I’m currently wearing, but I’m keeping those items separate. (Plus, going through clothes is like shopping, except that I already own the stuff I like!)

Now, back when I lost 140 pounds and went through a ton of sizes, I did a lot of shopping at Goodwill and second-hand stores, because I didn’t plan to stay in a size for too long, and often bought things because they fit and were cheap, but weren’t necessarily my taste.  This time, I have a different view of things; I want to look good and feel good while I’m losing weight, and I think I’m worth taking the time to make those things happen.  Unlike the last time, I have plenty of clothes from smaller sizes; but I am also going to sift through them and get rid of the things I bought to just get me through.

Except for clothes that I wear to clean, I have the goal of wanting everything I wear to be something I really like.  I currently have enough clothes to get me through until spring, at the very least, six months or so. Probably longer than that.  Even if I don’t have many clothes to rotate through, they will be clothes that I like and that I feel good wearing. If I don’t love it, it’s going in the donation pile, even if it still has price tags on it.  No matter where I am in this journey, it’s worth making the effort to feel good about myself.

So that’s where my mind is at right now; I’m doing well, and I’m doing things that will help me out as I continue this journey.

Week 20: Goal Pants, and a Brief Look Back

Aug26

My goal pants are consistently getting just a tad closer to fitting each time I put them on.  I really like the feeling that gives me.

Last year, about this time, I bought a lightweight jacket; it was just the tiniest bit snug when it arrived, and I lost a few more pounds after I got it, so by the time I fell off the wagon last year, it fit okay.  Not perfect, but okay.  Then I fell off the wagon and put weight back on, and couldn’t wear it when I needed it.  Yesterday, I tried it on again, and it’s very close to wearable; it’s a little tight in the upper arms, which is where I had the problem last year.  I think, though, that as long as I stay on course, it’s going to fit just fine when the weather cools off.  Here, that’s still a couple of months off.

Also, last year, I was buying things with the intention of fitting into them later, and then I let doubt creep in.  Now, I’m totally okay with things being a little snug, because I know with confidence that it’s just a matter of time before that article of clothing fits.  It may not be tomorrow or next week, but it will fit.

So far, I’ve gone a full month further than last year; but mentally, I think I’m far beyond that point.  I re-read some of my posts in the last few weeks of last year’s effort, and I noticed several things; key among them was allowing myself to be sabotaged, and that I was scale-obsessed.  I was giving reports of gains/losses and why I thought they happened, and that’s where my focus was.  I allowed myself to become frustrated, and I can see, looking back, the signs of impending failure. I blogged through Week 16, but I think I mentally jumped off around Week 12.

I also seemed to be hung up on whether or not other people would notice my loss, and whether I could just stop before they noticed.  Boy, was I ever playing head games with myself!  Granted, it’s nice when people notice, but I’m in the mindset right now that I just don’t care if or when they notice.  I’m not doing this for them, and I don’t need their validation.

It also serves as a reminder to me to be mentally diligent; every time I’ve lost weight, I’ve believed that I’ve done better than the previous time, and yet, if I’d found the answers, I wouldn’t be where I am right now — losing the same pounds I’ve put on numerous times before.  I think I’ve learned something each time, but the one thing I have to really get through my brain is that my brain controls everything: whether I’ll eat something off-plan, whether I’ll get out of bed to exercise, whether I’ll talk myself into a state of mind that makes backsliding easy.

I’m glad I made the decision to keep those old posts in this blog.  They’ve served their purpose.

Week 19: Routine, Routine, Routine!

Aug16

Monday’s my normal day for reporting to the masses — or rather, more accurately, be accountable to myself.  Yesterday was Monday.  I have to get back in the mindset that Mondays and Fridays are my posting days.  It needs to be part of my routine, and I’ve gotten away from that.

I’d like to talk about routine for a bit, because at least to me, being set in a routine takes a lot of the work and challenge out of an eating and exercise plan.  Summer is extremely tough for me to keep a standard routine; my husband is a teacher, and I work from home, so during the summer, he’s home and more often than not, he disrupts my routine.  That’s not just a diet routine; that’s everything! I really like routine, and by summer’s end, I routinely struggle with staying on plan.  I think in part that’s what I’ve been experiencing for the past few weeks.

Yesterday was the first day of school.  I have my days to myself, again, and I can decide what I’m going to do, and when I’ll do it.  I don’t have to wonder if I should eat breakfast early because I won’t be exercising until later in the day; I know, without question, that when hubby leaves for work, I’m at the gym.  Period.  And then I come home from the gym and make myself breakfast.  (Cardio often bothers my stomach, so I usually don’t eat before exercising.)

I know what and when I’m having breakfast and lunch.  The guesswork is taken out of the mix.  I already have those things planned, and I know the plan won’t change.

When I have a routine, I’m more successful.  It’s an old cliche, but it’s true, at least for me: Failing to plan is planning to fail.  Routine also gives me mental strength, because I know I’m accomplishing the things I set out to do.  When my plans are interrupted and my goals aren’t achieved, it wears me down mentally.  I find myself floundering and at risk of just not functioning well at all.  Routine is discipline, and routine builds me up mentally.  I’m glad to have routine back, even though it’s just Day 2.

In fact, I think at one point I mentioned that four factors need to be in place for me to successfully lose: exercise, correct eating, water, and adequate rest.  I think I’m going to add routine to that, because routine really does matter.

Week 18: Try-On Pants

Aug12

As you can tell, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve tried on my goal pants.  Honestly, I’ve been hesitant about it because I’ve been fighting a lot of demons since coming home from vacation a couple of weeks ago, and was afraid I’d gained weight instead of losing.  I’ve been concerned that if the pants fit worse, I’d lose what little mojo I have right now.

I sucked it up and tried them on this morning.  They actually fit better!  They’re far from being loose, and I wouldn’t wear them for the day just yet, but they were definitely easier to get on.  Yay!  I really didn’t expect good news, but I know I needed it mentally.  Knowing that I’m still making progress is going to help me push through and get fully back in my good habits.

Unlike my first try-on pants (the capris with the “slimming panel”), these are tighter through the thighs rather than the gut.  So, it’s a changed area of emphasis for reducing.  Not that I’m trying to spot-lose; there really isn’t any such thing.  The body doesn’t lose fat uniformly, but it also doesn’t shed it in just certain places of focus.  It loses it in the reverse of how it was gained, and considering most of my recent weight has been in my butt and thighs, it’s likely that’s where I’ll be losing the most over weeks/months to come.

In other news, I got in two workouts this week, and will get a third one today.  It’s not ideal, but it is an improvement.

On another note, those who live in my geographical region can relate: over the past couple months, the heat has been excessive.  Heat has been nearly record-breaking in duration, and in my area, there was a new high temperature set last week; it was the highest recorded temperature ever, since 1878, and not just for that particular date.

Although most of us have air conditioning, I could still see and sense a difference in people.  Intense heat brings just about everyone down.  You feel lethargic, like just thinking about moving will break you out in a sweat.  It just zaps both physical and mental strength, and no one wants to do anything until the heat breaks.

Now that the temperatures are lower, and more like average August temperatures, I know I feel lots better.  This weather actually feels cool after multiple weeks of 100+ temperatures.  I feel better about moving, and I feel better about myself, too.

Finally, it’s important to me to get back to hard work.  I think around the four month point, I hit a mental failure point where my mind just keeps telling me that I should just say “screw it” and eat what I want, that there are rewards to eating things I like, and that I shouldn’t be concerned with the consequences.  That I should just relax.  That’s a very strong pull.  I have to want my goal more than the instant rewards of eating junk food and sitting on my ass.  I have to keep the thought that what I attain in the long run is much more rewarding than eating a bag of Fritos right now.  The temptation has been strong for the past couple weeks, and I need to work on leaving that behind me.

Week 18: Time to Dig Deep

Aug8

I can tell I’m not in my zone.  I have some work to do on this brain of mine, and it’s time I buckled down and did it.

I’ve been doing fine with food, to a point.  I could be doing better.  I could be doing better with every part of my program.  So, I guess this week is really about fessing up to knowing I could be doing better, and not making excuses about it, because I have already fought down a ton of excuses.  Regardless, the facts are that I haven’t put in the work that I so desperately need to during these past couple of weeks, and I have no one and nothing to blame for it except myself.  I’m letting laziness and doubt set in.  I cannot move forward unless I buckle down, be vigilant, and mean it.  Thoughts and words aren’t going to get the weight off; if that were the case, I would have been Twiggy long ago.

I realized on Saturday that I hadn’t tried on my try-on pants from Friday, and then I didn’t really care that I hadn’t done it.  I knew that they wouldn’t be any further toward fitting, since I’d just come off over a week’s vacation, but once again, I have to be vigilant.  I have to do those things because they remind me to keep on the course.  I don’t want to be obese forever.  I don’t want to continue to handicap myself by carrying so much extra weight. I don’t like being a burden.

I think, in some ways, having the vacation to work toward helped me out.  I have another event in early October; I need to buckle down and get back to work, so I’ll enjoy that event.  I was happy that I was able to do a fair amount of walking without too much pain while in Florida.  I can do that, again, but it takes getting myself dedicated to the cause. And the cause is a healthier Lisa.

Originally, I had set up a try-on goal of six weeks. I’m changing that right now.  The try-on jeans are tight and certainly not worthy of wearing anywhere.  It’s August; I should be able to reduce my body enough to make them more comfortable by the beginning of October, so that’s my new goal.

Sometimes, talking it out helps.

Week 16 — Woot!

Jul26

I’m on vacation down in Panama City Beach, so I’ve only got a few minutes before I run down to the condo sun deck and take in some Vitamin D the natural way.

I’m glad to have made it to Week 16.  That matches my previous endeavor, and I’m convinced I’ll get back home on Sunday and get back to exercise and eating.  I was disappointed last week because I finally broke the 14 week exercise regimen when I had planned to only take this week off, but I’m missing it.  Yeah.  Actually missing it.

And what’s more — I’m missing eating better. I’m eating foods that I’m enjoying, but really, I feel better when I eat lower carbs than I am this week.  I’m more in a moderate carb mode and not full blow-out.  I can’t eat a full size meal.  My stomach just won’t hold it, and frankly, I’m glad for that; it’s keeping me in check.  Plus, there have been a couple of times where carb intake has made me feel sick to my stomach. (I’m assuming that’s what caused it; usually if I go up in carbs, it’s not with sugar, and the occasions I’ve had sugar have also been when my stomach has said “NO!”)

Still.  I wanted to check in and say this is doable in the long term.  I’m glad this is working out the way it is.  Granted, there are things that I’m not able to on vacation (yet), mostly because of mobility issues, but I’m far better off than I was a few months ago.  On to next week — and beyond!

Week 15 – Plugging Along

Jul19

This entry will be short, since I have been in bed with some sort of stomach virus all day long.

I’m still slugging it out and getting along.  I may be facing my first missed exercise session tomorrow; I actually made it through this morning, which is amazing since it’s a pool workout and I later had bathroom issues.  Today, I’ve consumed less than 300 calories.  That’s not enough to support laps tomorrow, but if I’m able to go, I may just go in for a light workout.

 

Week 14, and Pants Try-On!

Jul16

Flippin’ heck, my mind is getting away from me.  I didn’t post on Monday or Friday, so this post covers both.

Week 14.  Wow.  I’m thrilled to still be in this journey, and I think I’m making good headway.  But… I sincerely need to buckle my brain down.  Not only did I forget to check in on Monday, but I’ve also been dealing with some mental demons this week. And the sad part of it is — I’m doing well!  This blog is here to remind me that I have to remain vigilant, that I have made myself promises that I intend to keep, that I need to remember that the journey toward ideal health and weight loss is as much mental as it is physical.

So, Week 14 found me still fighting the good fight, overall.  I still have done well with exercise; I have yet to miss a planned session, but I’ve also been tempted to just stay in bed a few times instead of getting up and working out.  That’s a bad mistake; not only is the pool more likely to be available in the morning for swimming laps, but I just do better both mentally and physically if I get my workout done first thing.  Waiting until later in the day presents me with too many opportunities to just put it off.  While I believe my body could use a break, I’m going to have a week’s break from formal exercise next week, when we are on vacation.

As for the mental demons, I’ve found myself wishing for foods that aren’t really acceptable.  I haven’t caved in, but I have craved, which is unusual for me, and it’s a sign that I might be trying to derail myself.  I’m letting doubt creep in, as well as allowing myself to want foods and miss foods that aren’t good for me.  For the most part, I keep myself in a mental place where food just isn’t an issue, so allowing that in is a sign that, as I said earlier, I need to watch myself and not allow the slip.  That’s especially true, since we’ll be on vacation by this time next week, and I still haven’t come up with a solid approach for how I’ll handle things food-wise.  I’m going to do some thinking about it this weekend.

Finally, the pants try-on: I nearly forgot, but I did try on the jeans yesterday, Friday, which is my usual day for doing that.  Good news: they are starting to feel less constricting.  Just slightly, but there is a difference.  Terrific!  I needed that little boost.  I need to remember, especially next week when I’m wearing clothes that wouldn’t fit just a few months ago, that I’m making progress and I have much to be proud of.