Y1WK8: Back to Basics

Oct24

I waited to write this blog until after my doctor’s appointment this morning. Although the appointment was chiefly for checking medications, I intended to pick my doctor’s brains about how flat my recent weight loss has been.

To make a long story, short — for now, I am not accepting the solution he suggested, which is a very low calorie medically controlled diet of shakes and protein bars, equaling roughly 800 calories a day. While I understand this likely works to lose weight, I also am against such methods of weight loss, because I see them as solutions for the symptoms of an issue, and not the issue itself.

We discussed insulin resistance; I am very likely dealing with this, but as he pointed out, the solution to insulin resistance is to lose weight… and yet, insulin resistance makes losing weight more difficult. Such a catch-22.

So — it’s time for me to get back to basics. My 53rd birthday was just a few days ago, and every birthday is a time for reassessment, at least for me. I know what works for me; I just have been pussyfooting around doing what I know is necessary.

I must start with going back to the basics, and making sure I am absolutely and fully on task. I’ve gotten away from using some of the tools that helped me early on, and I can’t truly know my full situation unless I have all of the data. It’s time to start recording my food intake, again, to make sure I’m on track. It’s time to watch everything that I eat, and make sure it’s what I intend.

I have drifted off course. This is a correction, and I intend to break this plateau by year’s end.

Y1Wk7: Luck of the Draw

Oct17

I had the pleasure of enjoying a week with my adult daughter, who flew in for a work-related task, but bunked at our house. She left this morning; and no matter how old she gets, there’s a little tug on my heart any time she walks out the door.

My daughter is a lot like me in many regards, and unfortunately for her, that includes inheritance of a genetic component that complicates maintaining a healthy weight. My husband’s family is not naturally thin, either, so she has a double dose. While she’s fighting the good fight and her issues don’t appear to be as serious as mine are, this isn’t a trait I would have willingly passed on to anyone.

I know, from direct experience, that when you have a genetic predisposition toward easy weight gain, and that ability to maintain slips out of your grasp, the fight to get back to a healthy and manageable weight can lead to complications. In my case, yoyo dieting and poor choices when I was young likely contributed to the metabolic issues I have; and they now go far beyond simple genetics. The extra 10 pounds I carried in my late teens quickly bloomed to an extra 100 by the time I was in my early twenties, an extra 150 by the time my daughter was born in my late twenties, and even more after that. What was once a bump in the road is now a mountain.

The number of diets I slid off of because of frustration with (perceived) stalls probably numbers in the dozens. I reach a point where I think my body just won’t lose anymore, despite still being far above a healthy weight. Am I fighting genetics? The complications of thyroid disease? Metabolic resistance? And now, menopause? My answer these days is — all of them. Every single one.

I am determined to outlast these mounting complications. I can get mad all I want over the unfairness of having drawn a crappy hand when it comes to Genetics Poker, but getting ticked off by it does nothing to change the reality… unless, of course, I do something stupid like let the weight pile back on. Getting angry about it does nothing to change the cards I’ve been dealt, unless I focus that anger on beating the odds; giving up is not an option. In my world of pathetic gambling metaphors, I guarantee you that weight gain is a sucker’s bet.

I find myself, lately, sliding toward the mindset that will keep me from eventual success; I made poor food choices just last night, because I was tired of hunting on restaurant menus for things I can eat without risking my plan. It’s a sign of giving up, and I need to stop it. While the occasional off-plan meal won’t kill me, the mental flagging of spirit will. That is inevitably why I chose to write this blog; it’s a weekly reality check that forces me to assess my situation, rather than let my focus drift.

My weight loss has stalled for the last six weeks or so. I see the doctor next week for a normal check-up; this is actually good timing, because I intend to ask him about metabolic resistance. He’s a good guy, and I’m sure talking to him will also help me buckle down on my efforts. This is the time of year when I really need to be mentally strong and confident; and I need to pull out my bag of tricks and do what works to get back in the right mindset for success.

Y1WK6: Pit Stops on the Road

Oct13

Just like any other journey, I find myself taking brief breaks and assessing my surroundings. Although my body doesn’t seem to be in weight loss mode at the moment, I’m holding steady, which is a lesson in itself.

I had a little mini vacation over the weekend; a three day weekend to a wine festival we attend every year. Our daughter flew in and joined us, as did a couple of dear friends. Although the weather wasn’t the best, we had a good time.

This weekend was a lesson in being conscious of what’s happening in the moment, and I find that when I take the time to be fully aware, everything I experience is much richer. I have a brain that’s prone to rushing on to the next thing before finishing what’s in front of me, so relaxing and allowing full awareness isn’t something that comes easily.

I planned to relax my dietary restrictions for the weekend, but instead of just shoveling everything in my mouth that I could, I fully tasted everything. If I’m going to have a planned “cheat” meal (or in this case, weekend), I’m sorely disappointed if my palate isn’t pleased. It’s not junk food I yearn for, although that’s an occasional want. Instead, I want the experience of food to be as pleasing as the environment and the company.

This is also true when I’m observing my plan, but I admit I don’t take as much care, because so many of my meals are habit.

I savored each bite and fully tasted it, instead of just filling a hungry stomach. I chose things I really wanted; not just empty carbs and calories. I find this sort of eating much more satisfying, and when I take my time and enjoy my food, I’m much less likely to just throw caution to the wind and eat whatever happens to be convenient.

Perhaps it’s because I was more tuned into achieving that satisfaction, but I found that I didn’t overeat, and while I expected a small gain, I didn’t gain as much as anticipated.

I was also more careful to remain in the moment throughout most of the trip. I took my time getting around and found that I was able to do most of the things that I enjoy about the wine festival. Poor weather limited some activities; my inability to be fully mobile limited others, but for the most part, I don’t feel cheated in any way. I love the tours, but I’m not at a point, yet, where I can participate; perhaps next year.

Being able to relax and not worry about my surroundings, limitations, or perceptions was quite refreshing. I waste far too much time feeling embarrassed or wanting to make excuses to having gained back weight. I’m sure people do wonder, and perhaps wait until I’m out of earshot to make comments; we ran into a family we’d last seen perhaps seven or eight years ago, and I’ve gained a substantial amount of weight in that time. At first, I thought about not saying anything at all to them, but then I got over myself — and had a nice time chatting with them.

This is part of the process; I need to be more comfortable with myself, my size, my limitations — no matter what size I am, no matter what my limitations are, because every single one of us has boundaries we must live within, and those boundaries are different for everyone. There are many things I am totally capable of doing, which others cannot; it’s often easy to forget that there are things that are fully within my boundaries that are outside of the range for others. We tend to look at what we lack, rather than what we possess.

Perhaps these pit stops are there for a reason, and there are lessons to learn.

 

NSV (non-scale victory): I am finally to the point where I seriously need to consider giving up the jeans I bought when I first started losing weight over a year ago. When I bought them, they fit, but they could fit better; I always felt like I needed to pull them up because invariably, the back of my shirt would creep up and people would see far too much of my lower back (and upper butt bubble!).

Thanks to the miracle of lycra, plus-size clothing can fit for a wider range of weights, and I was pretty much at the top of the range when I bought two identical pair of jeans. Now, I’m finally at the low point of the range; this past weekend, I had to keep pulling them up because they sagged, and when I did pull them up completely, they sat above my waist! They’ve been my comfy jeans for a while, now, and it’s time to move on to something that fits me better.

Y1W5: Power Driven

Oct4

I’m sitting here, in the dark, writing a blog. The power’s out; we had a severe thunderstorm hit — combined with a tornado warning — and we’ll probably be without power for a time, yet. It’s one of those unexpected things that you either plan for, out here in a small rural town full of trees and power lines, or you find yourself stumbling over the dog’s toys in the pitch black of the living room.

We’re used to the power going out, though. Candles were lit, backup lights were charged up. My handy flashlight app was ready and waiting. And, because I’m a bit of a stickler when it comes to my internet, the house wifi router was on the UPS battery backup.

It’s not quite the same thing as having the power on, but it’s enough to keep us going until the power trucks remove the last branch or fallen tree from the power lines and get us back up and running. I have a power pack to charge our devices, and we’ll both get up on time in the morning if the power’s not on. I can hear the trucks working on the power lines in the distance, but regardless, we’re prepared.

We have various tools, methods, and knowledge at our disposal to get us through a threatening situation.

I’m glad to say that I also have various tools, methods, and knowledge at my disposal, and that it’s been enough to get me through my recent round of threats to my personal goals for health. Being prepared made all the difference; and while I’m not down to my low weight, yet — using the knowledge that I have, as well as reminding myself to think with objectivity instead of emotion, allowed me to find ways to get my body and my brain solidly back on plan.

Even though most of my weight gain has been water weight, in part because of hormonal shifts, letting even a crack of doubt in resulted in nearly making me give up. That is, of course, ridiculous… but now that the water weight is back under control and I am nearly back at my low weight, I feel better. Not just physically, but emotionally, too.

The thing is — when I’m weighed down by emotion, rational thought tends to get shoved into a small dark corner. Letting that part of me run my thoughts can be disastrous; if reason doesn’t win out, then I slip off plan, eat garbage, feel even worse both physically and emotionally, and that irrational part of my brain jabs me, saying “there! I told you it wasn’t worth the effort!”

The author of The Oatmeal calls this phenomenon the Blerch. The Blerch is that emotional inner voice that yearns for instant gratification regardless of cost, and it can’t be let loose to run free.

Fighting those voices that push me to fail — whether it’s a Blerch-like “hey, pizza!”, my “Inner Walt” (that condescending voice of my father), or random outside forces — requires preparedness. Because you just never know, for sure, when a storm’s going to hit and you’re going to lose power; you have to know that it’s a possibility, and know where to find the tools that will get you through until the lights come back on.

Find your tools. Find what works for you, and you increase your chances of getting just a bit further down the road on your own journey.

 

PS: I wrote this roughly an hour after the power went out — last night. I had no way of knowing that the very words I wrote would be quite so prophetic; 19.5 hours after the power went out, it finally came back on. While that’s no record around here, it’s definitely much longer than an hour or two, the standard for losing power around here. (All our power lines are on power poles, and my little town is in the heart of pine forests.

Our home is pretty average for this town; we have several huge pine trees in the back yard, as well as other trees. Our yard was littered with branches this morning, and by the light of day, I could see a major break on a maple tree over our outside seating. A few houses over, someone has a pine tree bisecting their house, so I count myself quite lucky.

Sometimes, you pick a topic that’s more germane than you ever imagined.

The important thing is that we are safe, and the rough part’s behind us.

Y1WK4: Dieting in Dog Years

Sep26

I’m on a brief halt with weight loss; for me, they come quite often, and are probably hormonal in nature. I lose a little, and my weight stalls or even rises a bit. Then, I lose several pounds at once — only to have a few more weeks of time when that scale just isn’t going to budge.

This is my ‘normal’. The graph of my weight loss looks more like a staircase than a slanted line. That’s the way my body is; getting frustrated by it isn’t constructive.

When I’m losing, I generally feel pretty good about my losses. The times when I get shaky and start doubting myself are during the phases when, like now, I’ve probably got a few “real” pounds, and a lot of water weight, sloshing around like my own personal ocean. (Don’t get me wrong… they’re both “weight”, and I’ll take a loss of either kind, but water weight doesn’t require the same kind of work that actual fat requires to lose it.)

It’s these times that feel like I’m moving in slow motion, as if my losing spurt was a decade ago rather than a few weeks. These are the dangerous times for head games, and like last week, I have to be careful to make sure my mental doors are fully closed against the voices that encourage me to just give up. It’s usually the slips — not saying ‘no’ to things I should refuse, and not being focused on goals — that inevitably do me in, rather than just jumping off plan entirely, with gusto, with a box of donuts in one hand and a loaf of baclava in the other. No, I’m much more likely to just quietly drift off and hope no one notices.

I notice, though. When I do that, I immediately feel like a heel. I know when it’s happening, and my brain shifts into a mode where I just ignore those growing feelings of disappointment, and allow myself to derail. The fight in me that keeps me strong ebbs away, and I don’t push the way I should.

The facts are that there are always challenges to structured plans. I felt myself sliding to that point before the last blog, which is why I pulled myself up and reminded myself that small slips lead to avalanches if left unchecked, and it’s a hell of a lot harder to dig yourself out from an avalanche than it is to recover from a small slip.

I’ve had a good week, eating on plan, doing everything right… and yet, my own personal ocean is still sloshing away. I’m still at the exact same weight I was one week ago. If I hadn’t gotten my brain back into the right place, this week would have surely brought on the avalanche. Nothing is more frustrating to me to feel as if I’m sliding backwards, despite doing what I’m supposed to be doing. It makes me doubt myself.

These are the times when I’m glad that I’ve chosen to be so open about my weight loss efforts. Some of you noticed that my blog was delayed last week; it was more because of some issues that needed a resolution and required my time, but I also admit there was the niggling thought of just not writing a blog at all. That would have just been a bit more of a slide. These things accumulate — until I feel so embarrassed by omissions that I’m likely not to post at all, and hope no one says anything.

Although it’s painful to be transparent at times, I’m really quite thankful, today, for having chosen to be so. Knowing that people would notice, knowing that I owe it to myself to be able to hold my head up and not put myself in the position where I’m embarrassed over yet-another-failed-diet, is a lifesaver.

Despite not losing an ounce this week for the effort I’ve put in, I’ve grounded myself. I know my body’s goofy when it comes to the ups and downs of weight loss. Even though it seems like it’s taking forever, I’ll be proudly posting a new low in a matter of a few weeks. Repeat that cycle enough, and I’ll reach my goal.

Weight loss in slow motion is still weight loss.

 

(Okay. Anyone who really knows me also knows that I wouldn’t jump off plan for donuts and baclava. I’d more likely have a plate of pirogi in one hand, and soft pretzels in the other.)

Y1WK3: One Small Step

Sep21

I admit I have struggled these last couple weeks; I have been dealing with a lot of emotional stuff, and while I wouldn’t call myself a stress eater at all, I could have done better than I have. Consequently, my weight is up, and with it, water retention.

I swear, water retention is my body’s way of punishing me. If I have too many carbs, those glycogen stores refill, and along with that comes excess water. For someone like me, with a lot of arthritis, water retention means pain. And pain, added in with emotional stress, puts my head in a bad place. I need to work through this, I know.

I admit that as I’ve seen the scale climb this past week, my head has started the old litany of why bother to diet? And I know, logically, that makes zero sense. Quitting when you’ve lost nearly 56 pounds, because you’re struggling for a few days, is the equivalent of turning a lit match into a forest fire. All I do by subverting my own efforts is create more pain for myself.

And that, I don’t need. I’ve made changes in my life, recently, to lessen my stress level; they’ve been good changes. Yes, there’s still stress; this past week, I’ve cared for a loved one after (minor) surgery, and one of my brothers is facing a challenge that will ultimately end his life far earlier than should ever be. I’ve struggled with grief, even though he’s still with us.

Yet, at the same time, my brother’s struggles are an inspiration to me. Just over a week ago, he had a tumor removed from his spine, and underwent a process to fortify his spine; screws, pins… the medical jargon is beyond me. The result is that he has to retrain his neural pathways to learn to walk, again. Metastasis from prostate cancer has also affected other regions of his spine, and he has hard decisions ahead of him about how he’ll handle the future; he has quality of life decisions to make for his remaining time with us. Will he be happy? Or simply a medical pincushion?

Regardless, he gets up every morning in rehab, leaves a wheelchair behind, and works on retraining his legs. Hopefully, perhaps this week, he’ll be home again. One small step at a time, he works on a goal in front of him — and he freely admits that despite everything on his plate, he is a happy man. He chooses to be a happy man.

Though he knows his time is short, he pushes forward and sets to accomplish what he can, anyway.

Who am I, without any such challenges, to even entertain the thought of not working hard to attain my own goals?

I have only a small setback. I have water retention and a few extra pounds to lose; this fluctuation has happened to me many a time in the past. It’s the nature of how my body works. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing to obsess about, or even fear. I am not in a race against the clock. And this, I can do, without any sort of help or intervention. A small thing, really.

Sometimes, this battle is about keeping things in perspective — and not letting emotion drive you into a more stressful situation by making bad choices.

So with that, I’m resetting my goals to get my head back into the right place, to fully enjoy my moments of goodness, and to keep things in perspective. As long as I keep up the good fight, I will reach my goals; and while those goals carry their own complexities, they are, in essence, quite simple when compared with all the other challenges that we, as humans, might face.

While my brother continues to take one small step at a time toward his goals, so will I.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a related note, September is Prostate Cancer Awareness Month. Please ask the men in your life to get checked. My brother, who was diagnosed in 2005 and has been stage 4 since 2007, started feeling symptoms just a few months ago — long after the cancer metastasized to his liver and bones.

Caught early, prostate cancer can be beat, but so many of us convince ourselves that ugly diseases show symptoms, which isn’t always true. It is also not necessarily a disease of the aged. My brother turned 60 last month, and was 51 when he was diagnosed.

Prostate Cancer Foundation

Y1W2: Body Positive

Sep12

I admit it: I recently saw an internet article about a body-positive activist.

And I cringed. I’m still cringing, in fact.

Over recent months, there’s been more attention given to being comfortable with your own size. I think this is a good thing; I’ve been among those who have hated how I look, how I feel. I’ve been embarrassed by my size. I’ve caught myself feeling as if I need to make excuses because I’m a large woman. Getting past that is a monumental step forward; and I’m not quite there, yet.

A lot of us are self-critical; women, men, overweight, underweight… for a variety of reasons. We’ve been conditioned to think that somehow, some part of our being might be perceived as offensive or bad. We’re shy. We’re apologetic. We remove ourselves from uncomfortable situations — before we even know, for sure, that they’ll be awkward. We measure ourselves against a societal norm that may be personally unachievable.

In light of the accepted social stereotypes and expectations, I believe movements toward acceptance are good.

If you believe that a clothing line is discriminatory by not offering larger sizes — and at the same time, casting aspersions on those who would require those sizes — you vote with your money. Don’t give them your business. (But at the same time, recognize the reality that all successful businesses have target markets; not targeting a particular market isn’t necessarily discriminatory.)

There should be dialog about what’s normal, what’s acceptable, what’s healthy, what’s constructive. So often, media attention for such issues is far from constructive. Brooke Birmingham made the news when a Shape magazine freelancer rejected a photo of her in a bikini after a 172 pound loss. The good follow-up to this is that Shape and Brooke went on to do a photo shoot, and address the issues of women after large amounts of weight loss. We need more constructive discussions and results.

While I think Brooke Birmingham’s result is a good one, other disputes over size leave me feeling as if people just aren’t getting it.

You can easily find hundreds of articles by searching on fat shaming or fat acceptance. There are hashtags of #fatkini and #bbw and #bodypositive. While all of these things are, at their center, well-meaning — I see one problem with them: defining ourselves by our body type is still a mental confinement, no matter how you cut it. The article about the body-positive activist is a good illustration of this. Be careful of mental contradictions that tear down your own defenses instead of building up what’s good.

At one time, I was defined by my weight loss success, and that was probably one of the biggest factors that led me to give up on my journey — and gain back every single pound, plus a few more. On one hand, it’s an ego-boost to have complete strangers stop you and tell you they are proud of the efforts you’ve made. After all, losing weight, getting healthy and fit — it’s pretty freaking hard work, particularly if you fight against factors that complicate the battle.

But on the other, being overly consumed with one facet of you, instead of focusing on balance, can easily contribute to failure. There must be balance in every part of your life. How you define yourself is up to you; and in the long run, your own definition is the one that will sway how others view you.

I firmly believe that life becomes much easier with self-acceptance, even if your goal is to change that sense of self. I sincerely hope that while you might read my words regarding my weight loss journey, you will come away with a greater sense of who I am than simply my change in physical size. In my mind, the way you show the world that it’s okay to be a person of size is to present the world with the entire package; be a terrific person who just happens to also be of size. Make that a minimal factor.

When great people leave us, what is it about them that we miss? When Maya Angelou died, was her legacy the marvelous gift she gave us in her words and actions — or was she remembered because she was six feet tall?

When the most forward definition that you choose to present is your size, you’ve missed the point entirely. If you do so while attempting to make others feel inadequate with their own definitions, you’ve undone any good work you may have created by being body-positive. Remember — ‘body-positive’ belongs to everyone, not just to those of larger size.

 

PS: On a humorous side-note, I saw this article today: ‘Fat shaming doesn’t work, a new study says’  To which I respond — no, really? You needed a study for that?

Y1WK1: The Year Behind Me

Sep5

Dude throwing a 56 pound weight. I’m sure I’ve had the exact same expression, just toting around the 55.8 pounds that are now gone.

Amazing. It’s been an entire year that I’ve been on plan! And as of today, I’ve lost 55.8 pounds.

I’ve been on diets for longer than a year, before. I don’t necessarily consider that an inhuman feat, but it hasn’t exactly happened often. This is probably the third — perhaps fourth — time in my life that I’ve stayed on a diet plan for more than a year. And usually, several times during the course of the journey, I’ve been tempted to just trash the entire thing.

Sometimes, it’s because my mind wanders into dangerous territory, reminding me of the things I miss about not being on a restricted diet. Sure, there are foods I love that are not part of my diet; my program is carb-restricted, and I dearly love things like soft pretzels and just about anything dealing with potatoes.

The more dangerous times are when I am frustrated, and lose sight of why I made the effort to lose weight in the first place. I get wound up in my head, feeling as if my efforts don’t matter, and I might as well just give up. And, especially in combination with yearnings for foods I miss, those are the times I fall off.

Of the longterm diets I’ve been on, this one has produced the slowest weight loss, which you would think would send me into that treacherous land of frustration. Surprisingly, that hasn’t been so. In fact, perhaps slow loss has contributed to a healthier state of mind this time around; instead of being the normally obsessed and it-has-to-happen-now dieter I’ve been in the past, I’ve had time to adapt and contemplate.

Sure, there are times when a plate of fried potatoes covered in bacon and onions sounds pretty awesome. Now, in fact — that always sounds good to me. But I don’t feel frustrated by slow weight loss. I feel secure and strong. I don’t approach what I do from the angle of deprivation; at times, I have the foods I love. I just don’t go overboard on them and let them rule my thinking, because in the long run, my life is not about food.

The gift I gave myself a year ago has been remembered. I walk easier, I breathe easier, my clothes fit better, and my mind is centered. I’m not where I want to be, yet, but I know that each day brings me closer to my destination, and in another year, my plan is to be reviewing this coming year with as much hope and progress.

As great as my physical gains have been — and they are noticeable, each and every day — I believe my biggest gains have been mental and emotional. My life isn’t what it was, a year ago. Not that it was bad; it wasn’t, at all, but I’ve found the ability and courage to do things that I felt were beyond me, then. I’ve made important changes, looking for things that feed my mind more so than my body, both in my career path and personally.

I’m not just Lisa-on-a-diet. I’m Lisa, relearning what it’s like to take risks and find joy in both old and new things. That’s really the biggest gift I gave myself a year ago, taking that first day’s step, and wondering if I’d still be at it in a year and a day.

The first post of this journey, a year ago.

Week 52: Be Strong

Aug29

53 Pounds of Beautiful Dog

Hooray! I’ve broken through to new territory, and am now 53.6 pounds down.

 

Thanks to several friends who are thoughtful enough to post articles, I’ve done more than average reading this week — not just on weight loss and the complications of obesity, but also about the psychology of allowing external forces to steer our decisions.

I think these two topics dovetail quite well. The first article attributed the idea that saturated fats are dangerous and that low fat eating is the way to health, to one very adamant scientist. While I’m not sure that’s true, I know the pervasive thinking for decades has been that the only safe and effective way to lose weight is to do so with a low fat diet.

Historically, I’ve never done well on low fat. Carbs trigger hunger for me, so it’s no wonder that the most I’ve ever been able to lose on low fat was 40 pounds. Believe me, I starved those pounds off, and I was absolutely miserable the entire time — every time. Before I tried a low carb diet (Atkins) eleven years ago, I had pretty much accepted the idea that I was just going to stay fat, because every diet I tried made me horribly miserable.

Then I tried Atkins, and lost not 40 pounds… but 140. I wasn’t miserable. In fact, I was pretty satisfied with how I ate.

Now, this isn’t an Atkins endorsement, although I think it’s an excellent plan. My point is more about how pervasive the diet industry is in putting peer pressure on people, whispering in their ears or yelling in their faces about there only being one effective way to lose weight — calories in, calories out — and that’s not true. At least for me.

In order to succeed, I had to be willing to try something that went against common beliefs, and stick to my guns, despite anyone else’s opinion on how I do things.

I think this is a huge failing for many people who attempt to lose weight. It’s a struggle, no matter what, and the moment someone says “I’m going on a diet!”, they usually have at least a dozen well-meaning friends trying to tell them how to do it. I’ve been there. I’m still there, despite having proven success with the methods I use.

You have to be willing to do two things: shut out those voices and do what your gut tells you is right, and be strong enough to accept that there’s no one simple answer that works for everyone. If that were true, we wouldn’t have the massive obesity rates we currently do.

I’m not knocking low fat diets, by the way. If they work for you, great! Do what works for you personally.

 

In a sea of confusing information regarding weight loss, and pressure from any number of sources to do things their way (because, according to them, that’s the only way you can possibly be healthy), it becomes immediately necessary to find a core strength that tides you through these assaults. It’s no wonder so many people throw their hands up in frustration; it’s easier to remain in place and not make the effort than to commit to making the effort and endure the immediate attack of well-meaning individuals.

This is one of the reasons why, for many of my past diet efforts, I just quietly went on a diet and said nothing to anyone about it. I didn’t need to have varying opinions on what I was doing; it was (and is) a personal journey. While I was quite vocal about my intentions from the start, this time, I still had friends who tried, in their own ways, to steer me toward their methods. I still had to endure an onslaught of opinions. And while I love those people for caring about me, I still have to make sure that what I’m doing is good for me.

I encourage people to read the article “Taming the Mammoth: Why You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think”. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen this sort of thinking diagrammed so well, and if you are looking for ways to solidify your own thinking so you’ll be more successful in your efforts, you may find some suggestions here.

It’s been my experience that the only way to truly succeed is to be firm in your own convictions and goals. If your faith in yourself is easily shattered by the opinions of others, whether it’s about your dietary methods or about your progress, you must learn to shut out those voices. I’m nearly a year into this effort; I’ve been on diets for much longer than a year, and sticking with them requires that determination above all else.

Be strong for yourself.

 

 

Week 51: ByeBye, Fat Brain

Aug22

I find myself in a comfortable position, these days; I’m managing to overcome things that have been issues in the past, like vacations, plateaus, frustration. It’s been nearly a year since I took the first hesitant steps toward changing my own fortune, and I’m thrilled to say that I’m still here, still working toward my goal, still accomplishing what I set forth to accomplish.

I’m glad I took the first step to work on myself. When I’m not treating myself well and trying to hide my head in the sand, I play any number of stupid head games, trying to convince myself that I feel better than I do. And I’m talking about feeling good mentally.

All of us have experienced disgust with ourselves at one point or another; perhaps over a poor decision, bad luck, or just plain giving up on ourselves. We all know it on one level or another; you can hardly be human and not experience self-doubt, self-loathing, or frustration at some point in your life.

And believe me — I’m human, on all those counts. When I am not taking an active part in my own health, I live in disgust and self-loathing. I feel like a slug, and mentally, I don’t feel like I’m in control of my own life. I don’t feel as if I deserve the respect or love of others if I can’t respect or even like myself. I don’t need for anyone to suggest that being fat is somehow a character flaw, when I live and breathe it every second of the day, feeling absolute regret at my fat reflection in the mirror, or yet another piece of clothing that doesn’t fit.

When I feel that way, even the smallest gestures can make me feel disparaged, even if that’s certainly not the intention.

For example, my mother will sometimes come up to me and pull down my shirt if there’s any skin showing in back; one of the curses of large women is the accidental clothing slips that happen when I sit down or shift around. When she poked my bare skin in fun, I feel absolutely mortified. And it’s such a small thing with absolutely no mean intent.

When I’m in that dark place, when I’m not moving forward toward a discernible goal, I’m hypersensitive to even the smallest perception that I’m not worthy — and I quickly believe it.

So, when I stepped the scales nearly a year ago, it was both an act of courage and an act to free my own brain from these kinds of thoughts.  But most of all, it was a gift to myself.

 

Am I still a big, fat woman? Yes, absolutely. But the difference is that I’m a big, fat woman that’s making progress toward health, that’s making the (albeit slow) effort to lose weight, and I’m strong enough mentally, now, that the judgments others may silently arrive at don’t bother me. Some random stranger’s assumption that I’m fat and therefore must not be doing anything other than shoveling food in my face means nothing to me, because of one simple fact: I know better.

I know better, and that speaks volumes. I no longer feel that gripping self-loathing because I took the first step, nearly a year ago, toward a goal, and I haven’t deviated from that goal. It seems surprising, now, to realize nearly a year has passed; and while I may be a slow loser, 52 pounds of me that existed a year ago is no longer there.

I’m in it for the long haul, my friends. Thanks for taking the journey with me. It’s my greatest wish to be writing words of even greater successes a year from now.