I don’t have a lot to report, this week — no loss, but I’m close.

Mostly, I’ve just been living day to day, which seems to work as far as watching my intake and activity level. Don’t get me wrong: I have longterm goals, but what matters most are the choices that are immediately in front of me. As long as I can keep control of just today, the aggregate of all those just todays becomes something I am happy with and proud of. The following things might appear disconnected, but in the long run, they’re about accumulating those good days.

This past week, someone noticed my weight loss for the first time this journey. I was surprised and pleased; let’s face it, I’ve been working on losing weight since last September, and while I like having people notice, it had truly slipped my mind. I’ve been so vocal about this particular journey that I figured everyone knew, so when friends have said something in passing, I’ve discounted it as them just being nice. This time was different, and it felt good to hear that.

It probably helped that I was also wearing clothes that fit. I know I’m likely not alone in this; often, when I’m losing weight, I don’t wear clothes that fit because I’m between sizes and just feel comfortable in the ones that are slowly becoming too big. Although it goes against reason, wearing any clothes that are a smidgen tight make me feel like I did before I started losing weight, so I tend to pick up loose clothing that reminds me my size is changing. While that’s all well and good, wearing baggy clothes is a lot like wearing a mask. (Unless baggy clothes are your personal preference.)

I wrote, last week, about playing the horn. This week, I also took on a sewing project I’d been meaning to do for a few weeks. I haven’t done anything other than just mending clothes on a machine for years; I don’t honestly remember the last time I sat down and sewed something from beginning to end. Despite this, I volunteered to make new covers for patio chair cushions owned by friends.

I’ve been working on them the past few days and expect to finish today. While they’re nothing earth shattering, I’m happy with the outcome.

I’m happier, though, being creative. These last couple weeks are a reminder to me how much I’ve been suppressing a creative nature, and I am truly happier when I create.

And frankly, being happy helps a lot with weight loss. I’ve written before that certain elements need to be in place before I can successfully lose; for the most part, those are measurable items, like food intake, movement, sleep, water intake. But being satisfied is also part of that, and that’s not so measurable.

Being satisfied builds confidence. One of the things I’ve been reflecting on, this week, is the nearness of our vacation; it’s roughly seven weeks away. I know I’m going to face difficulties in travel, and I have a plan in place. But what’s bothered me most is that the last time we took a big vacation, I’d worked hard to lose 70 pounds before going; and I was so disappointed in how truly unprepared I was, that I let myself slip off my plan.

I gained every pound back, and 30 more to keep them company. I built up expectations and when those expectations differed from reality, I let it destroy the good work I’d done.

I am making a promise to myself that I will not allow that to happen this time. I’m looking forward to having a great week, and then settling back down to the business of making myself healthier.

It’s all about living day to day, with the choices immediately in front of me.

[I have a new low this week, but it’s a fraction of a pound, so it’ll be fully counted when it tips the ticker over to the next pound.]

I’ve had one of the best weeks within recent memory, with a few lessons scattered in there.

I was delighted last Friday to report a big loss, and I’m still thrilled with it. But I’ve had a lot of other good stuff happen, too, that just make me happy. One of the downright coolest things brought a lesson with it, as they often do. While the actual event has very little to do with weight loss, the lesson does.

I had the good fortune to reconnect with a friend of mine from high school a few months ago. We’ve been bantering back and forth on Facebook, getting to know each other again — it’s been 35 years since I graduated, after all. A few things change in that amount of time! Then — to vastly shorten the story, which took place over a couple of weeks — she sent me her french horn; we both played in high school.

I admit that at first, I held my breath. It’s not that I didn’t trust her; she hasn’t done anything to not make me trust her, and I tend to extend that trust to people until they break it. What I couldn’t truly grasp is that anyone would just send me something that obviously means something to them… but also deeply means something to me. I’m not sure I can accurately describe in words how deeply moved I am to be the recipient of such a gift.

The trust issue was in accepting the kindness, and understanding that it’s perfectly okay for good things to happen. I’ve had a lot of rotten things happen; but then, we all have, haven’t we? In my case, I still deal with a lot of mental sludge over so many broken promises from my father that I find it difficult to accept when people promise to do nice things for me. Part of me tells me it won’t happen. Another part tells me that I’m not worthy — which was the usual excuse my father had when he broke his promises and I questioned why. Broken promises were my fault, not his, or so he said.

My heart is filled with joy over this generous promise that was kept. It erodes just a bit more of that cynicism of mine, which is a good thing.

But even more than that, the gift itself is something that I didn’t really realize I needed back in my life: a hobby. When I was young, playing horn was my respite from a sometimes miserable world. It was that thing I did well; not because I tried, but because all of my emotions, both good and bad, found their best expression through music. Whether or not anyone else thought I was actually good at it wasn’t the point; I needed that outlet, that creative playground. I have not had that in recent years, and I have sorely missed it.

This is a weight loss/health blog, so let me bring it back around to this point.

I established this blog in the first place, because I think weight loss is just as much a mental exercise as it is a physiological one. If I want to lose the weight in the first place, and then keep it off, I need to find the keys to many locked doors that have kept me away from my goals in the past. It’s not only about discovering what makes my body work, as I spoke about in last week’s blog; it’s also in understanding and often changing my mental processes. I have to not only recognize what holds me back, but figure out solutions.

Trust is a huge issue for me. I often don’t trust myself to keep my own promises. I’m often a lot tougher on myself than is reasonable, although I do believe a certain amount of rational toughness is necessary in order to succeed in anything. Instead of just automatically throwing up defenses when something good is possible, I really need to examine why my mind shifts into that “good idea, but it’s not going to happen” mode.

I’ve been in a reserved mindset with weight loss; while I’ve been talking a good game, I still fight with that cynicism — I’ll believe it when I see it. I still haven’t convinced myself of my own promise — that I will lose this weight and regain my health, and keep it off, even though I’m doing that very thing right now. I war with myself; people say “it’s awesome that you’ve lost 46 pounds!”, but inside, I’m negating the compliment by reminding myself that 46 pounds is a small fraction of what I need to lose. I shortchange myself when I do that.

I need to stop doing that. Someone recently told me to stop putting conditions on my weight loss, and she’s on target. I have to trust the promises I’m making myself — and conversely, make sure I’m keeping those promises.

Let me tell you something — I am pretty darned excited! My weight loss this past week has been phenomenal. I’ve been on this weight loss journey for a little over eight months, and except for the early weeks, when I lost a large amount of water weight, I have never lost this much in one week.

46 Pounds of FISH!

I was at 40 pounds down last week; and this week? I am 46 pounds down. That’s right! I lost six pounds in the last week. I am stunned!

I had a light bulb moment this week; one of those startling OMG shocks that made me reconsider and study. While I’m hesitant to say that I might have found the reason that my weight loss hasn’t been as fast as I thought it should be, the bigger news might be that I might have discovered the reason that I eventually stalled out after losing 140 pounds years ago.

If it turns out to be true, this will help me exponentially. Over the weeks to come, I’ll be doing some experimenting to see if my theories are true, but a lot of things are falling into place and making a lot more sense. If that experimentation results in weight loss, I’ll know I’m on the right track.

[Please note — I’m not necessarily in a hurry to lose a bunch of weight as fast as possible. This isn’t a race. That said, I am in a position where weight loss will help control blood pressure as well as allowing me greater physical ability, so in that regard, speeding things up just a little bit is a good thing. I need knee replacement surgery, and it’s not going to happen until I know my body can stand it.]

I’m not going to say, here, what the light bulb moment is. The purpose of this blog isn’t to steer anyone toward a specific eating plan; you truly have to find out what works for you and your own personal circumstances. My own circumstances are not the norm, so other than saying that I eat low carb, I won’t go into detail what my eating plan is. And that’s not the point, anyway.

The point is this.

When it comes to weight loss and health management, you have to become a scientist on your own behalf. When you are, you’re more likely to succeed.

You have to be open to new concepts, willing to experiment to see if what you’re doing can be improved upon, and to view the results of what you do with an objective eye. You also have to be willing to do the research when things aren’t working. You have to be determined to keep trying until you succeed. Otherwise, I promise you that you will not be successful in long term weight loss. You’ll be someone like me — who lost 140 pounds, only to gain it all back, plus roughly 35 pounds on top of that. Here I am, working on losing it, again — but I am determined that this will be the last time I recycle these same pounds.

Objectivity means you have to admit that once in a while, the data is pointing to something you didn’t expect. That you might have been wrong in your previous assumptions. Or that you might have to adapt what you’re doing if you want a different outcome.

And sometimes, like me, you just might have to relearn what you thought you already knew — and reap big benefits.

A weight loss journey is not a trip that any of us really enjoy, and yet, I know I’m not alone; it’s a trip I’ve taken far too many times for disliking it so much. It’s true that the odds are stacked against us; very few people keep weight off successfully — but we all have that opportunity to be among the few that do.

Good news this week! I have not only lost weight, but I’m now officially 40 pounds down! I am delighted!

There are simply times when weight loss doesn’t happen. Yes, there might be other changes going on within the body, or physiological reasons why the scale isn’t moving, but those times can be very frustrating. Call them stalls, plateaus, slowdowns — regardless, the result’s the same. When you expect change to happen and it doesn’t, you have choices to make.

A 40 pound jug of water

You can wait it out and hope that whatever happens to be going on in your body sorts itself out. Sometimes, this is exactly what happens, so getting in a rush to change things might end up disastrous. So much goes on in our bodies that we are unaware of; inflammation or small infections may cause our bodies to hang onto weight.

You can examine what you’re doing to make sure you haven’t slid off course. That’s always wise; if portion control is a problem and your portions are getting bigger, that might be all that needs to be adjusted in order to continue losing.

You can, of course, also react to frustration with subjectivity and decide that you don’t care if you put on ten pounds, you’re going to eat that chocolate, because your stupid body isn’t cooperating, anyhow. That’s never a wise choice… but it’s certainly a common one.

You can also reassess, and review what you’ve been doing that might be working against you, especially if you’ve been objectively keeping track of your loss patterns and you know what you’re experiencing is outside of the norm.

This last choice is the one I made this week. As I wrote last week, I have to make sure I’m doing everything right in order to lose. This week, I have been returning to what I know works for my body, instead of letting myself slide on the things I don’t much care for. It’s an easy thing to do; the parts of any plan that we don’t like are usually the first ones to get cut, and it’s there that we have to look for keys to why the plan may not be working. Eliminating something that’s part of an efficient plan, just because you don’t like it, is subjective and likely a cause for self-sabotage.

This week, I dedicated myself to getting myself back on track, and it worked. This journey is made of constant adjustments and reassessments, and as long as I keep my mind on the long term goals instead of the things that bug me (like drinking enough water), I’ll continue with my success.

“If the plan doesn’t work, change the plan — never the goal.” — Unknown

I’ve been struggling with weight loss, it seems, for the last couple months; I haven’t seen a real loss on the scales since mid-February, I think. For now, I’m taking the attitude that I need to pay close attention to maintaining if my body isn’t releasing weight.

But it’s more than that; I need to own that I’m not doing everything possible to produce the results I want, and I need to get my focus back on success.

For most people with no contributing issues, watching food intake is usually enough to lose weight. For me, that’s not so; I need to have several factors in line before weight loss occurs. They are:

• Eating right — of course. I have to make sure that not only am I eating right, but that I’m eating at the right times. Smaller meals that are more frequent throughout the day, and not too late in the day, work for me.
• Drinking enough water. I admit I really struggle with this. In order to lose, I must drink half my weight in ounces. Any less, and it’s rare that I lose. If I’m not properly hydrated, I’m not going to lose. I use a program that tracks and reminds me when it’s time to drink more, and at my weight, I’m drinking well over a gallon of water a day. I admit it’s an incentive to lose weight, just so I don’t have to drink so much.
• Exercise. Which, for me right now, is the concerted effort to move more. As I lose weight, movement is easier, and while I’m not currently using a structured exercise program, I’m working my way up to that.
• Proper use of medication and supplements. This means that I need to be consistent with prescription medications, take them at the right time, and take them properly. I also take some supplements, and they also need to be taken properly.
• Sleep. I need at least eight hours of sleep. If I’m not sleeping well, I will not lose weight.

Of the above, I can always do better on every single one; they are within my control, except sleep. I can work on improving sleep, though, through a variety of means, including stress reduction.

I am currently six pounds above my low; this is an improvement from last week, overall. I plan on making sure I pull all of the above elements back into place, because I have a ton of great reasons to continue on this journey.

I did not see a loss this week; however, I was on a mini vacation for much of the week, and so my goal was not to gain. Unfortunately, I do have several pounds I need to lose, but I’m back on track and moving forward. While the scale may not be tipping in my favor at the moment, I’ve been getting many more benefits that have nothing to do with a number on the scale.

Which is exactly what I want to talk about, today: movement.

I’m committing to moving more; in fact, I think it’s necessary. I lead a sedentary lifestyle, and I am working to change that.

While I was out of town for several days, I moved a lot more than normal; not just walking, but getting out and about, as well. Any movement, for someone of my size, is good — not only physically, but mentally, as well. It doesn’t make a difference if it’s a trip to the bank in the car, sitting out in the backyard enjoying the day, driving, walking, shopping, finding a bathroom in an unknown place; it all adds up, step by step, muscle by muscle.

Especially with spring now upon us, it feels good to be out and moving. While I was out of town last week, I drove up to one of my favorite places from young adulthood; a waterfall that’s tucked just off the road on a scenic highway, not far from the city we were visiting. I went there alone, and it was wonderful to experience fond memories, and an appreciation for the natural beauty of the water and the rugged terrain. Standing there, I felt a sense of independence that I haven’t felt in some time; I am often dependent on others, and being out there, alone, was invigorating. I would have loved to have simply stayed there for a while, but time ran short.

Certainly, I can imagine such experiences, and while memories are great, there’s nothing like being there. I would much rather be at Natural Dam than to admire a photo, no matter how beautiful the art. I’d rather dip my feet in the Caribbean waters than to just gaze at scenic photos of a Cozumel beach. I’d rather be sitting across from an old friend, face to face, than texting her. Doing these things are no small feat for me; they take a lot of effort, and yet, they are their own rewards. I gain so much more by doing than sitting and wishing.

For now, I’m working on moving more, even if it’s just around home. As I become capable of doing more, I know the benefits to my body, as well as to my mind, will be exponential. Not to mention, it’ll pay off with better health. It’s worth the effort.

I’m posting from the road this week and don’t have access to a scale, so I can’t tell you whether I’ve lost any weight or not; since I’m on a trip, my goal is simply to maintain, anyway. I’ll know how well I did when I get back home.

This is as good a time as any, though, to talk about what a lot of weight loss forums and sites refer to as NSV, or Non-Scale Victory. If you read my blog during my last weight loss effort a couple of years ago, you likely remember that I measured my progress by how my clothes fit, and I worked with goal pants and shirts. I haven’t really done that this time around, although I do still intend to use that as a tool.

Late last summer, I bought two pairs of Lane Bryant jeans, and they have plenty of stretch to them. Stretch is both good and bad for us plus-size women: it’s great for losing weight, because you can wear the jeans for much longer, but it’s equally great the other direction, too. I bought the jeans because I could no longer wear my regular Walmart jeans; I’d crossed into that embarrassing bubble butt phenomenon where I was constantly having to deal with tight jeans and pulling my shirt down over the tops of them. That’s never a comfortable feeling, at least for me. (I’ve seen my share of large women who don’t appear to have a problem with this, but I do. Talk about uncomfortable!)

So, I’ve been living in those LB jeans. I knew they were fitting better, but once again, they’ve got a lot of stretch, and it takes a pretty substantial weight loss to see a drop in size when you’re morbidly obese. Even though I’ve dropped nearly 40 pounds (yes, still sitting at -37.8), I have been hesitant to try on the bubble butt jeans. I’ve been ultra-careful about putting myself in situations where I might lose confidence in my efforts.

But… I did it. I tried on a number of jeans and pants in preparation for warmer weather, and I now have several more pair that I can wear, including the ones I ditched last summer because of bubble butt syndrome. They fit well, in fact! This makes me happy.

Clothing fit is just one of a variety of non-scale victories I need to remember when losing weight. Placing 98% of my hopes on a number is foolishness, especially when there are other objective methods for measuring success. I’ve been bad about taking measurements, and will when I reach the 40 pound mark; I want to make sure there’s a big enough difference for it to be measurable, and wearing a smaller, previously ill-fitting pair of jeans reinforces that.

There are, of course, the improvement in a variety of health issues, and those matter most of all. Inevitably, weight and measurements don’t matter if I am not healthier, as well.

NSVs that I’m looking forward to, since I’ve experienced them in the past: changes in size in things many don’t think about, like ring size, the way my glasses fit, shoe size. My feet tend to have a high arch, and when I am heavy, the arch relaxes with weight and my shoe size is larger. The size of my head narrows, and my glasses become looser. Necklaces fit better because my neck is smaller.

I have to remain diligent about my mental state while moving forward and making progress. I have to be careful to not let myself become too sensitive about trigger issues, like seeing myself in photos.

I’d like to thank those of you who wrote to me, both privately and publicly, and lending your support, suggestions, and input. You have given a lot to think about, and I greatly appreciate it; your suggestions helped me look at my mindset from different perspectives. Sometimes, that’s exactly what we need to stay on track.

I am not in a good place at the moment. I’m admitting it, because the entire idea behind this blog is transparency.

I haven’t lost weight in a month, but the truth is, I haven’t been doing everything I can in order to produce a result. It’s that simple: until I’m willing to do the things I know that work, I can’t expect good results. Good intentions won’t get me there.

When I feel like this, I have to look at the triggers that made me feel this way. This time, it was seeing several photos of myself after a major event. This has happened to me, before. I get to feeling pretty good about myself, and then when I see visual evidence of how I really look, it deflates me and I want to give up.

Believe me — that’s not happening, but it’s obvious I need to work some on the disparity between what my brain sees me as, and reality.

I actually have a couple images of myself in my brain; the true me, who is not overweight at all, and has the spirit of the person I was at 19. The adventuresome me who enjoys a challenge, loves to be outside, and is fit. That’s the core of me — that person who could swim all day, drive down any random road she sees just to find out what’s there, and spend half the night dancing.

Then there’s the current me; the one I’m dealing with at the moment, that my mind refuses to see as the permanent me. I see that person as me in transition to something better. I know I’m very overweight; I know I have limitations — but I also see past this interim me to becoming someone closer to who I once was.

When I see photos, though, I feel such a self-loathing rise within me, screaming that’s not me, that can’t be me, and yet I know it is, and I’m so thoroughly disgusted. I want to tell people to please remove those pictures of me. I want to hide and not be seen, because I am not okay at all with that me.

I know a lot of us feel that way about ourselves when we see photos; it’s not just me. We’re hypercritical. We want to become hermits and scold ourselves for allowing this to happen.

But this is where I need to be careful. The last time I saw photos of myself and got discouraged was after losing 70 pounds, which was no small feat; and yet, I suppose I thought I’d look as good as I felt. Maybe to others, I did, but not to me.

I gave up. I felt like the effort I’d made wasn’t worth it. I ended up even heavier than I was before losing 70 pounds.

That’s the bad part of feeling like this. Giving up solves nothing; it only makes the situation worse. No matter how hard of a time I have accepting that this is *me* at this moment in time, I have to keep doing everything possible to move forward.

I have to make the effort. I have to do the things I know that work.