I admit that I have no idea what to write, this morning — so I’ll just tell you where I am, mentally, just a little over three weeks out from knee surgery.

That’s what weighs on my mind the most, these days. I’ve done pretty much everything I can possibly do to prepare myself, but the mental part of it gets to me at times. I feel as if time is slipping away and I haven’t done everything I planned to do, which overwhelms me. I did misjudge some things; I figured I would. It’s human nature, after all.

The rest? I know my nature well enough to have anticipated that I would feel this way, a bit. What I didn’t anticipate was needing more self-care than I allotted for. I guess, in my mind, I just figured life would continue, I’d be working away and doing the things I’d normally do, and then stop for surgery, to resume at some point after adequate time for recovery. (I’m self-employed, so that point where I feel comfortable resuming work is up to me.)

I was wrong about that. I didn’t anticipate that I’d feel so mentally claustrophobic, yearning for a breakout so I can step away from the worrying. I’ll get a brief respite this weekend, but I really should have planned for more of a mental break in preparation. After all, this is a huge thing for me; a long time in coming.

I knew over a decade ago that this day would eventually come. The same surgeon who will be performing my knee replacement told me so; I’ve had a previous surgery to remove bone spurs and mend a meniscal tear. I’ve also spent most of my adult life over 300 pounds, and I’ve done a great deal of damage to both knees. Thank goodness there’s a way to repair that, and thank goodness a second time for having taken all the necessary steps to fight for it.

I thought I’d be more excited. And — well — I am, but I’m also fearful. Aren’t we all, when we are on the brink of a major change in our lives, whether it’s marriage, starting a family, changing careers, changing focus? I suppose it’s natural that I’d be dealing with a bit of stage fright.

But this is where I am, right now, the closer I get. I have no intentions of backing away from the decision to move forward with surgery. I can’t stop, now — and I’m not considering it. My pre-surgical appointments are this coming week, as well as a follow-up with my own doctor; it’s Medical Week, I suppose. And knowing that makes this all the more real.