You’d think that being so close to a final changing point, I’d have this down, wouldn’t you?

Well — to be quite honest — not exactly. The last few days, I’ve been dealing with a certain amount of fear, and I haven’t necessarily dealt with it in the best way.

Today, I’ll only worry about — today. Let tomorrow come when it may.

I fear the normal things; looming deadlines that I am trying my best to meet, but are also stressing me out. I fear the unknown; I’ll be heading out of town with a dear friend, and while I’m no stranger to traveling with friends, it’s still the unknown. I fear making all my finances work out. I’m a caregiver, and I fear leaving my mother alone while I’m gone, and not being able to see to her needs if something should happen. I also fear that I’m disappointing her, because she doesn’t really understand my need to occasionally get away and restore myself.

I fear not handling stress the right way, certainly not in healthy ways. I may not have dived into a half-gallon of ice cream, but I certainly did dive into a box of diet sweets, and I’m not even a person who craves sweets. I knew, while I was in the midst of stuffing my face, that it was the wrong way to handle stress and it accomplished nothing, other than make me feel bad about myself.

I’m human. Occasionally, I do stupid things.

Stress has never been my friend (or anyone else’s, really), and while I sometimes do my best work while balancing on the ragged edge of disaster, it’s not my preferred way. Fear can stop me from doing the things I really know I should be doing, and rather easily, too; if I really want something to distract me, it’ll happen. And when I am deep in fear, it’s my body that takes the toll. I punish myself as if I don’t deserve the things I have earned.

Which is, of course, ridiculous.

Today, I am going to squelch my fears and do the things I need to do to move forward. Just for today, I will stop worrying about what will happen a day, a week, a month from now, and attack the things that are directly in front of me. I will be in this moment. Today, I will stop warring with myself and wasting energy. Today, I will make the time to also do things that bring me joy, and stop with the self-punishment. Today, I’ll be the strong person I have worked so hard to be.

Today is mine.


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